Need Help Was She BPD

I dated this girl for about 4 months, and the relationship was VERY intense. We were so happy for about 2 months of the relationship. She even told me she loved me and wanted to be with me forever after only about a month of dating. This was fine with me, because I was crazy for this girl.

About two months into the relationship, she told me that she was starting to become detached from the world. She said that her feelings of affection for her family, friends, and me had completely gone away. I tried to stand by her, but she became very abusive towards me. She would often times put me down and say very hurtful things to me. I tried to just brush them off, but they became too much. Also, she would periodically start fights or yell at me over very trivial things. Some days she was very happy, and would tell me she loved me and just be in an overall fantastic mood. Other days, she was very mean and hurtful. Often being very distant, barely talking to me, or just yelling at me and telling me how annoying I was.

The thing that she said this all started with comes from the following story:

***We were out at an bar one night (about a month and a half into the relationship). We had been drinking and having a good time with her friends. Suddenly, she told me that she wanted to leave. We did not drive there, so I told her if she wanted to, I would call a cab. She said she would be OK and would stay. About 10 minutes later I made an offhand comment to her about a guy who was flirting with one of her friends. She FLIPPED out on me and left the bar. Finally, after searching all over for her, we found her and took her home. When we arrived back at her place, she ran into her room and began to cry. Needless to say, I was very angry with her because I felt I did not deserve to get screamed at like that. I sat outside her room for about 40 minutes and talked with her roommate. Finally, when I decided to go into her room, I found her in her bathroom. She had cut her arm in three places with a razor blade. Also, when I entered the room, she attempted to swallow a whole bottle of Lorazapam (which she had been prescribed to). I had to make her vomit tall of the pills back up. We talked through this, and I got her calmed down. Eventually, she told me that she didn't mean to yell at me, but she had an anxiety attack at the bar (something that was frequent for her, she had previously been prescribed to Xanax, and I had witnessed her have these attack before and had successfully calmed her down). Eventually, we talked through everything, and were OK.***

She claimed that, because of this night, she felt like I had abandoned her when she needed me. I tried to explain to her that if I had known what was wrong with her, if she would have told me instead of just flipping out on me, that I would not have gotten mad and left her alone. Needless to say, she told me that she could only see the "black and white" of it. That I had abandoned her and this caused her feelings for me to change. I tried to stay with her, but I just couldn't. I did so much for her (took care of her when she was sick, payed her bills, brought her everything she wanted), but she was so unappreciative, and no matter what I did, her abusive nature towards me would not change.

I eventually ended things with her, but I'm left wondering if this disorder was the reason for all this. Thanks for reading, any input would be greatly appreciated.

Hey CC,

I read your story. Yeah, sounds intense. First off, definitely better for you to be out of this relationship and look for something more stable. A person needs to be able to be in control of their own life before they can love or support anybody else. I am sorry your X was having problems, but clearly she was in a place that she could handle a relationship.

Was she Borderline? I don't know, did she have any of the other symptoms? Black/White; Love->Hate and back; Cutting - that's all symptomatic.

May have also included elements of either depression or bipolar too.

Tom

She probably had bipolar disorder... My mom does. I've dealt with her flipping out on me for 18 years of my life. Dealt with her screaming over practically nothing and 30mins later hugging me and kissing me and telling me she's sorry, that She didn't mean it. And I've turned into her it seems.

I actually have a similar relationship to that one. Only I Am that girl so maybe I can show you a bit of what makes her tick. I love my boyfriend more than anything and he does so much for me. I can talk to him about anything and he will always be there to support me.

However, all my life i've never really had anyone i could open up to like that, I never learned how to express my feelings. I don't know how to find the words to tell him what upsets me, what makes me angry. I can't find the words to tell him when he does something that bothers me.

I instead will bottle things up and get set off by something little, something stupid. Like the straw that breaks the camel's back. And all I can do is either be silent or spew those mean hateful things at him.

I hate doing it. I hate hurting him time after time. But the right words just don't come out. I try to speak and it's silence or hatred.

Later I would feel like I was less than human. I would loathe myself for acting that way. I would cry and cry until the tears dry up because I just hurt the one person I ever really cared about. I'd cry and tell him I'm sorry, that i'll do my best to treat him better and i mean every word, but it keeps happening.

It's like I don't have control of myself when I'm like that. I don't think straight, I don't think at all.

He tells me i can change, that I just have to want to... It's not that simple. How do I change something i've lost control over?

I read a book 5yrs ago called "I Hate you, Don't leave me", my husband of 19yrs. bought it, he IS bipolar/schzoid/BPD & alcohol dependant, its a life long battle to say the least & yes I to have considered other alternatives now, there is only so much one can do for another & be supportive/helpful & he stopped therapy after 6times going & meds after 2mo. so it is up to you to help yourself get relief if your gut is telling you something. Do let us know how your doing, from what I've seen there are no magic bullets, if your partner really wants to be w/you then he'll learn w/you & understand more of whats going on.

Take care

April

I feel for you I really do I have BPD and alot of other mental health probs - OCD, anxiety, panick attacks, severe depression, self harm etc.

Its so hard for those that are close just like my husband who has stuck by me for 7 and a half years - he got caught in the cross fire from my anger etc as my previous partner severely was domestically violent in everyway possible. I too in my life got attached to man very quickly and had strong feelings and thought I loved them all at the time beacause I craved love attention desperately as I had done my entire life but to avail for the right reasons I know that now. I hurt my husband alot but its not my intention in anyway I love him to death and hes the best thing that ever happened to me - I justg cant control my emotions, hot & cold, emotionless, think im always right, black & white etc - its so difficult for all those closely involved and its a daily battle.
I do try always everyday with the right intentions but it slips within minutes hours.

She must seek help and I really hope that she manages too. For you you cant blame yourself you did everything and more but you cant make yourself unhappy and she has to take some control in finding support or therapy.

I totally agree with every word that cyanide said about how she is personally. She needs to be assessed to be sure what illness she has over a period of time - bi-polar and BPD and the others I mentioned all have very similar traits - and there are a few hundred different ones that can make up any different persons diagnosis.

And April really understands where your coming from as has lived it for 19 years which I didnt realise - all I can say is that you must be a saint and a very strong person to cope with it all for so long and you must love him very much - my hat goes off to you girl - You are an amazing women (brave, patient, resilient, compasionate)!!!!

I hope you can find some peace of mind and asurity from this support group and can move on and find happiness thought are with you - keep posting xx

I have been married to a man that has narsissistice /borderline personality disorder. Last year while in marriage counseling and hearing him try to win over the counselor with how wonderful he was and never admitting to cheating with his ex wife or lieing to me or his not being intimate in our relationship or showing love,I decided I needed to get help for myself for putting up with this behavior. Thakn goodness you did not get married because I am not sure there is a cure. Especially when the person will not admit they need help.

Not sure really if she has BPD or not, she certainly has some features of it ( black/white thinking, rage, cutting...) but whatever her actual diagnosis, it is clear the young lady has major problems.

I also can not say how things would have turned out had you hung in there, as soemtimes patience coupled with lots of affection and caring can go a long way to somebody who is very damaged, on the other hand, perhaps no amount of love and attention would have helped.

You did what you needed to do at the time, so try not to look back too often.

I am sorry you had to go through this, I went through something similar. my ex honed in on one example of why i never cared and always gave him attitude, i still love him because I know the man he is but we no longer speak.i always told him I was there for him I demonstrated that, did everything I could.but he only could see the negative once he made up his mind. I wish I could tell you how to get over this but i have no idea. read my post(if you want , its really long) i talked about our relationship in great detail, how it began how it ended and the aftermath. you can find it in the ,depression,anxiety,relationship groups. it may help give you some perspective or at least know your not alone