I need advice on how to cope until I find a solution for my issue as I stated before in my previous post. I also will go a bit detail in how my mom treated me because I was having flashbacks every day that involves her or my dad and what they did.
I accepted that I need help and I realized I feel unhappy in this situation. After years of being gaslit by adults telling me my parents love me, they do their best, be greatful I have a dad.
That brushing off caused me to stay in a very toxic situation with my parents and it has affected my psychological and physical health.
These people tried to convince me it was my fault or to talk it out, communicate with them it never worked if I did communicate because their behaviour got worse every single yewr that passed.
The constant verbal fights at home between us, being treated like I am invisible, the intense fear of being around my parents to the point I nearly had an panic attack or feel sick.
One time when I was a teen my mom had an argument and I got so mad that I walked away into the clothing store in the city but my reaction afterwards I genuinely thought I was going to get hurt by her.
I felt like I couldnt breathe, everything was closing in, I nearly cried, I could not breathe properly I thought the world would end because I got away from my mom for a few minutes because whenever we verbally fought she would say nasty things or conpare me to my friends or blame me for being in toxic situations or being mistreated or abused.
I also remember they called me alot when I was out constantly to the point I would feel afraid to be outside or await their calls if I was outside by myself.
When I used to work during the summer of 2017 I had a breakdown in front of my bosses at work and threw my phone on the ground. Some days I used to burst out crying or scared in public that I couldnt move because I was deeply afraid of being outside or far away from my parents, I literally start having thoughts they would send the police for me or they will scream at me. I know that fear is not normal and I hope that one day I can leave for good.
When I was in the hospital after my attempt (2021) despite the horrible service I received I started to recover mentally because I felt like I could breathe. I saw that I can take care of myself, I can help myself and I was not as useless as they made me out to be. When I went back home I felt that feeling of dread again. It has been two years I havent recovered properly mentally from their abuse and I have so many flashbacks recently and I write it down because it helps me to process it.
I told mom and dad when I was hospitalized (2021) that I want to move out and my mom said I never could because I had depression. Dad was ok with it but I know it was a lie because they treated me even WORSE when I got back home and for two years I was on autopilot trying to survive from them because (currently) I have no where else to go.
My mom ruined my job that I had by refusing to take me there, not supporting me, screaming at me that I should quit. It was the worse moments of my life because my job made me happy but mom did not care and I had to drop it.
She manipulated me that I ruined my education by declining the call for the school I wanted to go to, choosing my subjets for me when I went into 6th form (high school equivalent in the USA)
I was miserable in my last two years of school. I did not want to go to school because I was so traumatized due to being bullied for most of my life in school that unless it was d*** or destroying myself I had no clue on what I wanted to do with my life.
I only choose to go to 6th form because it would have been college and she screamed at me daily to go and I couldnt take a gap year I begged her I didnt want to go to school anymore because I would have self destructed but NOPE. This descision caused me more trauma and I wish I took that gap year.
What I choose to pursue, it only made me feel empty and since I have lupus, I should forget avout a carrer in one of the subjects I choose.
I cannot become due to I know I have to avoid high stress jobs and carrer choices because I might have a flare up so in the end… it was all for nothing.
For a long time she always screamed or pressured me to do what she wanted.
Any hobby I had throught my life she would stop it, cause problems with the owner or not invest into it.
She was obsessed with me being near her all of the time and I felt like I never had time to breathe. Any compliment she gave me was backhanded or fake and if I was goid at something she would discourage me until I stopped my hobby saying I am not good at it, I dont apptove of it or give an excuse as to why I cant do it.
I tried fixing my parents relationship , cooking for them, comforting them when they were sad, being nice to them and ignoring red flags. After what my dad did I mentally told myself to stop this because they do not and never will care.
After years of verbal and psychological abuse, isolation and control, I threw away my hapiness, my feelings , my dreams to please them and I regret it heavily, I held onto false hope of the gifts they gave me, things they bought, the kindness and feeling like a family until they go back to ignoring my existence and refusing to support me psychologically or medically and never asking me how I am.
They dont even know the real me and just assume how I feel even if it is incorrect. I dont feel comfortable telling them because they gosdip about me to their friends, family, strangers in a bad light so they can look good. I tried so hard since I was 17 to fix the relationahip between us but I can say it is beyond repair. Most days I have thoughts like 'I would rather disappear than live here or wondering what it would feel like to not be here.
These feelings worse after the incident with my dad and my mom pretending it never happened.
When had a flare up these months (Aug-Oct 2023) they ignored the signs and I am greatful I took initive to my health. I accepted the fact that being with them is literally destroying me.
At first I debated even going to the rhumetologist because I wanted to have a permanent escape but I hold onto hope and saved myself. I knew deep down inside I could not do that to myself.
I was always scared they would physically hurt me and I understand why I feel this because they did it before and I feel uneasy around my dad and I had a fear that he would do something bad to me I genuinely don’t feel confortable around my parents and I want to continue avoiding them from now on. I usually pretend everything is fine at home but everything is falling apart. I am trying to take it day by day and plan as well as process my emotions.
Some days I get into a very dark space and I feel trapped and it is very overwhelming that I think what if I was not here anymore , those feelings come and go but some days it is stronger than others. I try to hold onto hope because I don’t want to do it and I believe one day my life will change.
I used to hide these things from authorities to ptotect them for many years as a teenager because I was scared. One time I nearly ran away but I didnt because I was scared of their reaction. I wanted to be heard so badly by someone, anyone , I wanted to be saved but everyone brushed it off and thought it was normal family issues but it was deeper than that.
Thanks to this group as well as watching videos on the Post I had to stop being in denial. I allowed everyone to get in my head and blame me for them acting this way. I blamed myself for how they treated me and later felt like it was my fault they treated me this way so at one point I gave up and took more of their treatment hoping they will change. I wanted them to love me but the day never came.
It is only when my health was in jepordy I fully woke up and reached out on here for help because I can’t live like this anymore.
I appreciate all advice provided and thanks for listening to me.