Hello everyone. I am glad that there is a group out there that I can turn to for some encouragement. I have a problem with spending/shopping and it is only getting worse. My dad spends to absolutely no end so I guess that this just proves I am his daughter. As of this morning, my husband added up some of my spending to be WELL over $3k. I have no clue how I got to that point. He was furious and took off his wedding ring. Said he might file for divorce. This broke me and made me realize that I need some serious help. Credit cards are my weakness and I need help on my first steps in this journey. Can anyone give me any tips and tricks that worked for them?
2 Hearts
Oh honey I hear you. I am currently in a chapter 13 bankruptcy because of my shopping problem ($108k), and while I am not married I live with my dad—who might have a coronary if he finds out how much debt I am actually in. Its been a big source of my stress over the last few months as I continue to get mail some of which says the words bankruptcy right on it.
Anyways, I have kind of had to stop shopping in the last month because I am basically broke and my bankruptcy is taking every spare penny I have; but before that I was really working on not spending out of impulse.
Like I would put things in my cart but I would wait a week before actually purchasing them. Some things would like haunt me and I would buy them at the end of the week and some things I would decide that I didn’t really need. I try now to ask myself questions like “Do I already have something similar?” or “Do I really need this?” or the ever popular “Am I actually going to use this regularly?”
Its important to be honest with yourself. I know that getting something new feels really good, but then when the bill comes it feels really bad. You need to work on not falling into the marketing traps that are basically everywhere, and not spending to fulfill some emotion.
I don’t think there is an easy fix, but if you value your marriage you will try to be better. At this point the damage has been done and the only thing you can really offer your husband as an apology is some active effort to be better and to help pay that money down–even if its slowly but surely.
A lot of people don’t understand how shopping can become an addiction but I really do. The bigger the void in my life got the more I tried to fill it with things because I was superficial, and for the record it never worked. I felt small moments of happiness when I got an item but it was gone after about 30-seconds and then I was devasted when I just kept watching the bills getting higher justifying how I would pay them off and coming up with plans that usually left me paying the minimums. The part you don’t realize is how interest compounds, and If I had paid my debt off outside of bankruptcy the amount would have been well over $300k after interest was said and done.
Be glad its $3000 and not $30,000 and Let my tale scare you into finding the root of why you spend so that you can help yourself better than I did.
3 Hearts
Thank you so much for your reply.
I have actively sought out counseling and have cut up all cards. I closed down some accounts as well so its just paying things off. The temptations are gone. I have moved all my bills to be shared with my husband. Im really trying to be better and save my marriage.
Wow! I am so sorry it got so in depth for you… your story is inspiring. I understand how it can in a way take a hold of you and before you know it you’re caught off guard in a sea of debt. I have about $3k also. The other week I bought some things I liked and the spree never ended or so it seemed. Before I knew it I was at $300 in a week then I said okay I’m done… then I was at $600. It’s like I couldn’t quit. I’m still in the slow end of trying to end this spree. Time goes on and I think I’m done forever like it’s been miraculously removed from me to compulsive shop & then a wave comes and it happens again. Sometimes a year later. But when it happens it gets bigger it seems. I have to stop it while it’s in the midst. I’ve thought about removing myself from social media and buying a flip phone honestly. Take the temptation away.
My husband also is unhappy with me and I’ve got about the same debt as you. I can’t even get on SHEIN or Amazon because if I see something I like I have to have it right then no matter what situation I’m in. I’m gonna try maybe just not looking on them. I have to for my marriage. I have to change something. Try taking the temptation away. Fast the internet if you can. God honors fasting in any form. I believe He will meet us half way if we can give it up for a day or so or more!
I am just happy that I have found a group that is active and being able to talk this out with like-minded people. Addressing the problem is always the first concern. The night I wrote this was the worst night. My husband said he was actively looking at divorce lawyers and said he would fight for full custody for our daughter because “he is the stable one”. That hit so unbelievably hard that I am doing everything in my power to fix what I have become. I removed Amazon and Shein, closed accounts (because I would rather take the hit on my credit than be in debt forever), and signed up for counseling. We ended up talking it out the next day and he decided to put his ring back on. It was a blessing to get another chance, but I know I cannot make this mistake again. I have to succeed this time and keep moving forward.
When I first found this group, I was worried that no one would reply as it looked like there was not much showing since last year. I am so happy that I got replies and can see that people are willing to talk to strangers to help us all on this journey.
1 Heart
Its a struggle to stop shopping, but you can do it. Just really think about what you are buying and if its worth the money.
Hello. I see that it has been a few months since your post. How are you doing? I understand what you are going through. My mother has spent money to no end also. I always swore I would never do that. But here I am and in much more debt than you, if that helps. My husband just found out and I don’t know what is going to come of it. I think we will at least stay together until our children are grown but I don’t know if there will ever be any emotional intimacy ever again. And he is a really great man. I have really messed up and feel so ashamed. From now on I am not going to have access to credit cards. I am giving him access to all of my search history, emails, credit reports, passwords (that he is going to change) and bills. Full transparency. I have gone through this once before and thought that I could do better this time, but I actually did exponentially worse.
Have you found anything that works for you? Anything that gives you hope?
If you’re in trouble with credit cards, there are a couple of suggestions that I can make. Mind you, I’m struggling with the same problems you are, but these are things that have helped. I can recommend 2 really good books: “To Buy or Not to Buy” by April Benson is the first. She was a real pioneer in the field of overshopping, and her program lives on under the stewardship of Carrie Rattle. They offer online programs - self-guided and with coaching - addressing overshopping and how to stop, but the coaching one is pricey and there’s a waiting list to participate (you’re far from alone in this battle!) The other book is titled “How to Get Out of Debt, Stay Out of Debt and Live Prosperously” By Jerrold Mundis. He’s very easy to read - not boring at all, like you may anticipate. He’s got a great plan for doing what the title says. I’ve used it to develop a spending plan which includes paying off my debt. $3K is not that much in the grand scheme of things, so if that’s what your debt it, you should be able to pay that off fairly quickly. You just have to make it a priority. Another thing you might consider is checking out Debtor’s Anonymous. They have online Zoom meetings every day of the week and at nearly every hour, so you can pick a day/time that works for you. There you will meet long-timers who entered the program with way more debt than you have, only to turn their lives around, pay off their debt and live within their means. You’ll also hear from newbies like yourself, who are coming to the program for the first time. You don’t have to talk if you don’t want to - just listen. There’s no charge to attend the meetings, and their literature is very good. I think if you approach your husband with a plan in place to make things right - steps to help you overcome your compulsive shopping - he’ll be more amenable to forgiving you. My guess is it was your not telling him about your debt that hurt him, more so than the debt itself. And remember - you ARE NOT your father! You were raised in a household where spending sounds like it was out of control, but you can break from that. Think about what you learned from him about money, spending, savings, credit cards. Now ask yourself what you truly believe about these things. I suspect they will be different - especially after your recent experiences. I wish you the best of luck in sorting all of this out - especially with your husband. Keep us all posted on how you are doing.