Hi, I'm new today and wanted to post. It feels really strange writing about myself, on the outside I appear very open but really I don't like to talk about myself, a habit I learned a long time ago.
Long story short: I am debatably a drug addict, I know that I'm posting in the depression section but that would be because for as long as I can remember I have had problems with depression. Every so often I take breaks from drugs and when I do this a huge, over-powering, dark cloud of depression sets in. I stop making phone calls, stop answering the phone, go out to avoid being at home incase people come over.
The only thoughts in my head are of self-directed pity and loathing, usually in that order. I start to want to hurt myself, when I was 14 I made a suicide attempt which hospitalized me. I listen to the darkest, most depressing music I can find, or read something similar, I feel an affliation with it but I am aware it only perpetuates the problem.
If I last through this period I come out the other side full of energy and positivity, I love life and really make the most of it, until I feel depressed again, and each time it feels like the worst. Sometimes I just lie down and cry, but if somebody asked me 'why?' I couldn't tell them the reason.
I started drug abuse as I form of 'self-medication' and surprise surprise it worked. But it is my only copeing mechanism against depression and makes it worse. When Im on a downer from withdrawl or taking too much for too long it feels crappy but it doesn't go deep down inside me the way I feel when I haven't used and become depressed.
For a long time I didn't realize other people don't feel this saddness, sometimes I'm jealous of people who say things like "I don't need to drink or do drugs to have a good time", in truth I don't too, but it makes me feel a hell of a lot better.
If I try to talk to people about this I always chose girlfriends. But they very rarely understand and care. My most recent girlfriend doesn't understand at all. Sometimes I try to be mature about it and if I snap at her I will say something like "I'm really sorry for my reaction, do not think that I am angry at you or that you have done something wrong, I just feel down today", if she pushes me I can not explain why. I once told her my 'background / psychological baggage' issues and it only made her feel uncomfortable and she doesn't want to know about it, she just wants me to be happy, energized and carefree all the time, the way I sometimes can be.
So, I have written too much already, I'm just new to all of this and I have a lot bottled up.
I guess in summary I feel like a lost boy living in the wrong world, the only things that exist in this world of the eternal party are sex, drugs and alcohol... it is sleepless but it isn't soulless, all the people I meet here are damaged too.
I'm new to this too... I've suffered from a very rare and painful bone disease since I was a little girl. I also suffer from depression. Sometimes I have nobody to turn to... my mother and two sisters suffer from depression too. My father, bless his heart, tries to help us all, but he simply cannot do it by himself. His support comes from me. I hold up my family, and help them with everything. Even if it's just somebody to take your anger out on, yell at for a little while, cry out to. A shoulder to cry on. But it's very hard on them when they see me laying ill on the coach, too sick to shower or eat. It's horrific for them, sometimes I have to hide in my room just so my mother doesn't have to deal with the reality of my failing health. All summer i've been giving myself bone injections, on a powerful drug that has never been tested on my condition before. I have lesions all over my legs, and 10 of the symptoms from the drug. Today, it's difficult to breath and the pain worsens. I can't get out of bed. My mother is crying. And my sister doesn't know what to say to me. My father is at work, and I'm all alone. None of my friends know about my condition, none of them would understand. I'm completely alone... and i don't know what to do. I don't have a shoulder to cry on, or anyone to go to for help. I'm still a child... i still have my own dreams... instead I lay here sick, day after day, wishing for another life.
Hey Meet me halfway,
It sounds like you could be suffering from some form of bipolar disorder, from the ups and downs you describe. But from what i gather you definitely need someone to talk to. Are you seeing a therapist?
I am bipolar so I do understand the highs and lows you talk about. But these are controllable with medication.
You also need to work on yourself, you have been through a lot and it's time to dedicate a lot of time to yourself. I know how it is to just isolate yourself from the world, it feels easier that way, but it's amazing when you embrace your friends, even for "chitchar" conversation how much they can uplift your mood.
Please look for help. We are here for you...you deserve to live a good life.
Love to you
Moongal x
Hey Blue Eyes,
I am so sorry about your condition and the situation you are in. I am sure being physically ill is enough with feeling guilt on top of that.
Have you spoken to your mum about this? And that you want to spend time with her.
Is she getting help? Maybe, you should try encourage her to visit the doctor.
You are being so strong, your strength is admirable. But you need to think of you, so communicate how you are feeling physically and mentally. You seem close to your dad...do you talk to him about this?
I think you should reach out to a close friend and speak to them, you are carrying a lot of weight on your shoulders, unburden yourself please.
And keep coming back here for support.
Love to you
Moongal x
thank you for answering my call… this is the first time i have ever sought out hope… from anyone. yes my mother has seen therapists and doctors for her condition, but none of it really helps. some nights she just yells at me… others she won’t even look at me. i don’t know why… i have two other sisters and she doesn’t act that way around them.
i’d like to say i’m close with my father… but he doesn’t really talk about any of this. it makes him uneasy. he thinks i’m tough and none of this bothers me… it’s not his fault, i don’t show the pain. and i’ve never really asked him for help… and whenever my mom picks a fight with me, he sides with her. i know she’s his wife so he should… but sometimes i feel so abandoned by my whole family.
and i’ve tried to open up to a friend… earlier this year when i got very ill. but as soon as she heard the word depression she ran for it. she called me names and wouldn’t talk to me for months…my best friend.
then i got close to this one boy at school who was so nice and wanted to help with everything… but she got a hold of him and turned him against me. now they’re together. and he won’t even look at me. i don’t know what she told him. or what to do.
none of my other friends would know what to say… and i don’t want to lose anyone else.
thats why i came here. to try and find someone out there who could atleast give me some support. because there is nobody in my life right now who even knows about what i go through, let alone somebody i could go talk to.
You seem to be trapped in a LOOP...
kind of like you see in movies...
Repeating the same beahvior and patterns...
have you ever thought about breaking it. I mean truly breaking it.
Making a complete change. Maybe you need the BIG CHANGE.
- Friends is a MUST...
- NO Girlfriend for a year or more...
- Avoid situations that will put you in temptation, IE Drugs, Alcohol. No Night Clubs, No Parties, Nothing...
- Get into a Program and get a Sponcor to help you.
CHANGE JOBS, CHANGE APARTMENT, Anything you can change to become the NEW, WELL not NEW. But to Become YOURSELF AGAIN.
Drugs and Alcohol MASK YOU !!! YOU THINK they comfort you but they DO NOT... It is the BIGGEST LIE you can tell yourself.
MAKE A PLAN and GOALS, Start Small in a way.
Think about, WHO AM I and what do I really want in life ???
ASK YOURSELF Questions, Sit alone and seriously ask yourself about yourself...
Example...
Ok I like sports, I want to live in a high rise, I like my job but there are people there that may draw me back into drinking, etc...
Make a list about who you are, what is happening and what you like and do not like.
Then make a plan to change. Easiest things first.
BE HONEST, tell friends you can not hang with them because you want to stop drug and A...
make a plan to change your life...
Hope this helps some.
Remember it is not easy and always will be hard to stay away from drug and alcohol but...
Believe me IT CAN BE DONE. YOU have to REALLY WANT IT !!!
Hey, thanks for the replies, I appreciate it and the ideas that you have. No One, I know that you are right, I should make some changes, but to be honest with my work I travel a lot. I have moved house, not just house but country too, so many times and constantly make new friends. I almost laughed when I read your list of things I should do, e.g. no girlfriends for a year. Lol. To be honest right now Im feeling fine and wondering why I have even started using this site. But when I think about how wrong my plans are for this week and how I felt yesterday I know that I need to do something. To be honest it is hard to get professional help as I'm living in Russia right now.
One of the hardest parts of giving up drugs for me is that I derive a sense of identity from it, I feel like this is who I am, I don't take comfort in that thought, I think I use it as an excuse to not change. When I'm angry / upset it is just so easy to give in to something which washes everything away.
Blue eyes, it really sucks when you confide in people and they run away. That has happened to me too many times. Now I try not to bring this kind of stuff up. The last time I did it was when I was pushed to, my most recent gf and I had been partying together and she opened up to me about her past problems, I listened and offered support, then she pressured me and so 'in the spirit of the moment' I told her some stuff, I immediately felt her tense up, go quiet and uncommunicative, she offered no support, I stopped telling her things before it got any worse, now I don't tell her anything and she never asks, which kills me, originally I couldn't believe she would be like that. About 8 months later I tried to talk to her again about my history, I was afraid of losing her and I wanted to explain my past so that she could understand me better. However, it is now clear that she doesn't want to know and I shouldn't force it on her. So, basically my point is that I know how it sucks when people close to you don't want to listen to you.
Generally I think it isn't really their fault, maybe they have nothing in their life to compare your experience to and so 2 things happen, the first is that they can not understand what you are saying, I mean can not understand the depth of it and the implications it has and that secondly they want to believe it isn't true because if it were true it would shatter their rose-tinted perception of the world.
In my case I think it is also really unattractive to a girl that the guy she is with turns out to not be the confident, fun, easy-going, care-free person she thought and is actually a total mess.
I hope my last message didn't seem ungrateful to the replies I got, thanks moongal for your advice, I know you are right about just chatting with friends raises your mood, it's true but whenever I'm down I don't want to impose it on people and I don't want people to see this side of me, so I just disapear until it p***es, I know it's really unhealthy, I am now going to be on the look out for a person I can lean on when I go through these times.
No One, I have thought about doing what you've said before. Honestly I'm just afraid and I always think that I'm not ready to do that yet, I want to stay underwater just a little longer.
It is pretty much impossible for me to join programs, get sponsors, go and see a therapist because I live in Russia and it would be a serious pain in the *** to do these things, my russian isn't nearly good enough.
I have never known what to do about 'seeing someone' and I'm kind of afraid of being diagnosed either way. I also kind of lost hope in these kind of systems, I was taken to see someone after I tried to kill myself, but I had pressure from my parents to not be completely honest and so I wasn't and afterwards I felt more like a freak than ever. It was as if the psychiatrist thought I was attention seeking or stupid, I guess that is my fault I was lieing to him, but a really naive part of me hoped he would see through that.
Hey,
No you don’t seem ungrateful. And that’s exactly how i feel when i “disappear” for a while. It’s this overwhelming thing I get of don’t worry about me, I’m not worth it…kind of thing going on in my head.
It would actually be a good thing if you did get diagonosed to be honest. Diagnosis doesn’t mean that’s you. I suffer from depression, bipolar, epilipsey and an ED, but that doesn’t define me as a person…I am a million other things besides that. And once you get the diagnosis you can really tackle it.
There must be some English speaking therapists out there. You really need to talk to someone sweetie, i hate to think of you suffering needlessly, because once you start to get the help you will realise how needless that was.
I would recommend journalling, it is really good to get all those feelings out. And when you are feeling down and blue, i know it takes an unbelievable amount of effort but just pick up the phone and even text a friend to go to see a movie…it’s nothing much really, you don’t have to talk much but you still you are in company. And you do deserve friends and company…i know the depression voice is saying I need to be alone…but it’s mostly when we put ourselves in isolation that we need someone.
Just keep reaching out hun…we are here for you.
Love to you
MG x
I live in China... So I know how hard it is to get any kind of help or medical and so on.....
So with traveling you seem to find and get the drugs.
Doesn;t it scare you that is 99% of the countries it is Illegal and can have some seriously REAL Conciquesnces. ???
That would stop me, here is china there are a lot more and more drugs then before but also they put a bullet in the back of your head if conviceted and bill the cost of the bullet to your family...
We have these things we do... Bad things many times that just hurt ourselves, even more then we were hurt to start.
Changing ourselves for the better is not easy and such a long **** road, but it can be done. I am the proof of much I thought was ok and good and works for others, then I realized... Time does work and so does being positiive.
I have such a long way to go but I am so determined to change me, for the better and love and enjoy today and the next...
Keep sharing and keep trying...
Never worry you offend me, that is part of the healing and growing. Nothing is perfect but it can be good, so I wait for the GOOD in you and everywhere...
Sharing with others is HARD, most people judge and so on...
HERE you can share. it is a nice place, i just found it a few weeks ago.
I actually asked a new friend if it was ok, if I am down or a bad day can we chat and is it ok we both can share the negatvie in life with each otehr. *****, moan and complain. She said ok and it is still new, but once I knew I had someone, MAYBE, well I felt much better.
I know if I had a bad day or things I can talk to here and I foound here...
Keep strength and keep trying.
I understand the wanting to stay under water for longer... We all get that. But it will kill you.
We have to be happy above the water, happy with who we are and life as it is. try for more or better but know, this is OK ! and I am OK TOO !
Keep Sharing !!! Never worry you hurt or offend me. I think I have grown a lot, I am still learning here but I don not take it personally. Words are just words and feeling change and move and gorw and adapt every moment of every day. So NO MATTER !!!
HEY ALSO, what do you do in Russia ? Where do you work ? What city or place ?
I am in GuangZhou China near hongkong. We have a huge Russia polulation here... among others....
;-)
Your New Friend !!!
Oh and personally I think most pshyic Docs are a JOKE !!!
BUT the GOOD ONES are Awsome !!! and can help.
Remember, we are all Human Beings and Human Beings ALL HAVE MENTAL ISSUES, we now just have names for them. ;-)
Seriously think about it.
Who is not OCD some or manic or depressed or other...
Add in problems, issues and LIFE and Woops, over diagnosing...
I talked to some real winners at one piont, A JOKE !!!
I was being labeled and more then once told, YOU HAVE TO MANY PROBLEMS. I never met anyone with so many issues and things that happened to them.
I said, WELL DUHHHH that is why I am here, to find a way to cope with it all and correct things for the future...
AND obviously, you are not he counceler for me....
You never tell a patient they have to many problems...
HENCE my group, blog thing here. people with multiple issues....
;-)
Dear Meet Me Halfway,
Never give up hope. I have been abandoned and teased for my depression and my disease from immature kids at school and some of my friends. I know how it feels to lose somebody very special to you.. or even the pain in your heart when you realize the one person you love and trust is afraid of you and your history. Its a horrible feeling. But none the less, moongal is right. it does not define you. any of this. the drugs, the depression, the partying. it isn't who you are. i'd love to hear more about who you are inside. your hobbies, your favorite childhood memories, any close friends who make you feel complete. or any experiences where you've found love and hope that have helped you through the day.
focusing too much on the sad and the horrible can sometimes make a situation worse, trust me i'm an expert when it comes to that.
but sometimes when i'm home sick, and i've missed a couple weeks of school and haven't been out of bed in days, i find the little things that help. such as looking through old pictures, listening to your favorite songs (try to keep them happy songs) remembering times when you, atleast for a little while, felt truely happy. those are the things that are worth living for. those are the things that make you who you are. and i know im just a kid and i might not understand what its like living out in the "real world" but you gotta trust me when i say you need to remember the joy. the happiness. whenever i have to go to the hospital, i always play my favorite song over and over in my head. or i think about eating a big blue berry muffin. my favorite food in the whole world.
tell me about who you are. tell all of us.
the good the bad the ugly. i want to know. even if you can't find any help out in Russia, you can always find help here.
:)