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New to this site, married to an ultra-conservative man with two kids 10 & 13. I am deeply longing to connect with another woman, trying to figure out how to get out of my marriage.

I think marriage is very difficult at times. I am married and have never felt more alone. I think the male mind is wired completly different. Im here if you want to talk

I do need to talk, so desperately, but can’t seem to find the right ears to vent to because I can’t just talk to anyone about this. It’s extremely difficult to open up on such an intimate level.

There is no room for me, emotionially or pshychologically, in this marriage. All of our 15 yrs. of marriage is full of threats to divorce or leave me because I’m not meeting his expectations. Then, the last bout we had, we actually got all the papers together and he said that he read that he’d have to pay alot in child support even if we file for joint custody so he refused to file for anything but full custody and agree to let me see them whenever I want which of course I refused to agree to. Then he said that he would have to get a lawyer and fight me for full custody because he refused to pay me anything because this divorce was my fault. After that, I feel like I have nothing left for him. I care about him as a person but don’t love him romantically. Romantic love and the abuse that has taken place simply can’t abide in the same picture. Now, he’s being decent to me (not getting mad at me everyday because of something I’m not doing “right”) because he loves me and doesn’t want a divorce and because we’re going to counselling tonight actually, and he’s afraid I don’t love him anymore. He hasn’t grasped the concept that you have to take care in how you treat someone you want in your life. I am so burdened about crushing him, but it’s his own fault that I don’t love him anymore. I have a history of alcoholism/drug abuse (over the counter cough medecine, not street drugs) which he threatens to use against me for full custody. He’s a miserable person who wants me under his thumb, has double standards and is utterly blind to the reality of it. I’ve always felt like I’ve been married to someone who insists that the sky is green and the grass is blue and will punish me with coldness and mean-heartedness if I insist it’s the other way around. I feel trapped. I start classes next week to finish my degree in Education which will take 3-4 years but at least I’m getting started. I’ve got 6 years of college under my belt already but never could find my niche in what I wanted to major in. Being bisexual is something he could never abide and if I told him, he would use it against me somehow, he would also tell my whole family and his and everyone we know…I can’t trust him with any personal issues. He’s proven that in the past without question. I don’t want to be outed by anyone but ME. I’m desperately full of thoughts and feelings that I need to share and I’m hoping it can be you. Please share your situation with me. It feels really nice talking to someone who can relate to how I feel. Please share. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reaching out.

I know what you mean about feeling alone. I'm 33 and in my 2nd marraige. I left my 1st husband for cheating on me after I got pregnant and abandoning me after the baby was born. When I remarried I thought I had found my soulmate. We started our family shortly after getting married. And now have 2 babies of our own and we have joint custody of my son from my first marriage. (first husband fought for custody because the woman he was cheating on me with and is now married to loves my son). Shortly after getting married I realized my husband was an alcoholic. It took a few very scary abusive incidents to realize this but we got thru it and have been living the sober life for almost 3 years now. Things were going well after our first son was born and I got pregnant again shortly after. Then 2 months before our second son was born my husband had an accident and needed a spinal fusion. Since then life has been hell. He lives in pain everyday and is very angry and abusive all the time. When we stopped drinking I lost all my friends. Which at the time I was ok with, very sad over but ok with. Now I'm stuck in the terrible marriage and have never felt more alone. I too get the constant threats of divorce and that he us going to take the babies. (i had a short lived problems with drugs too but was able to pull myself out) He tells me he feels bad for my ex and that it was my fault he cheated on me. Anytime I try to talk about how hard things have been since his surgery I get told how selfish I am and that I'm just white trash. He is supposed to be my best friends and i cant talk to him about anything without fear of him using it against me Everythng I do is for my family I have been raising our boys on my own with no help from anyone. I get no help around the house or yard and am expected to clean up after him, the man can't even pick up his own underware or take his dishes to the sink. I get yelled out from grocery shopping to feed the babies when he spends money on video games and other crap. He destroyed my credit by refusing to pay any of my school loans. He has made it so I can't leave. And I'm expected to love this man. Can't tell you how many time I said I just need a hug I just need to be held for a little while and he refuses. Isitjustme your so right it's impossible to turn off these feelings just because he say I love you.
Truedancer stick with school I know it's going to take some time but you will be glad you did it when your done.

I also have come to realize that alcohol is a larger issue than my husband can acknoledge. I realized it was not for me and quit drinking a while ago. He still drinks and thinks it is normal to have 3 to 6 beers and 2 to 5 shots on a normal day. Just because he doesnt start off the day with a shot he says he is not that bad. Well problem is that it is bad, I am not okay with this. I use to keep up with him however I have come to a point in my life where the party is over. I am totally over it. This does create tension because he always has felt that my life would be trash without him and now he sees I am stronger than he gives me credit for and that in this situation he is trash. I cant stand that he acts so superior and like I am sooo lucky to have him in my life.

As a male who almost lost my wife to an online romance,I feel deeply for the pain and lonliness you two are going thru.I was one of those cluless husbands like yours.My wife was sooo out of love with me and ready to move on.But I want you two to know that there can be hope as my marriage proves out.We have battled back from the brink and our relationship is stronger now than at any time in the 17 years we have been together.But it does take both partys to make it happen.Love is a choice, not a fuzzy feeling.Love means you will still have anothers best interests at heart even when you dont like them at the moment.Truedancer, its great you 2 are in counseling.You say he is starting to be being decent to you.It may not seem like much but its a start.He has hardened your heart and you dont trust him.Maybe your tank is so empty you have nothing left.I get that.His feet needs to be held to fire at the counsling.You need to lay it all out.He needs to really know how deeply he has hurt and neglected you.You two need to rediscover what you saw in each other at the beginning.Is your bisexuality something long repressed or is it a reaction to your husbands coldness?Is that longing so strong as to kill any chance at reconciling your marriage? The stakes are high,be sure of who you are and what you want.A big blow out is better than a slow leak.If you must end it,just understand that there is no easy way out and a price will have to be paid.Weigh carefully.

Thanks so much for your words, I really respect them. You’re right, there is no easy way out and a price will surely have to be paid. All I can really do is be honest, right? I feel that the cold hard truth is that I owe him the truth. My sexuality is an issue apart from our marriage, I have always been attracted to women as well as men. I have made peace with my sexuality and realize that I am in a committed relationship and won’t act on any attractions I have, regardless what my sexuality is. I don’t want to do that to myself, I won’t do that to my husband because I do care about him as a person. The issue is that he won’t tolerate my sexality if he’s aware of it. So in turn, he doesn’t know who he’s married to. Not fair to either one of us to hide it. Keeping this secret only threatens my resolve to stay away from alcohol. Peace of mind is your best weapon against using or drinking, is what I’ve been taught. I tend to agree. I would rather die than hurt him, but I cannot change what is true. I love him as a person. I have to be honest with him. I owe him that. Don’t you think?

Glad to hear you have stopped drinking and found some inner strength! I know how hard it can be. For many people drinking is a disease but that still doesn't give him the right to pull you down. Have you considered going to an al-anon meeting. It might help you find some people going thru the same situation. I'm not a religious person and I know that is part of their program but you don't have to be religious to get support. Just a thought.

He sounds like a ******* Truedancer that you shouldn't be with any longer. I think your confusing your own needs with a desire to be a person you are not...a person he wants you to be rather than who you are. I don't think you should say anything regarding your sexuality since he is capable of destroying you with that knowledge. Don't give that ***** power. The one thing that you should concentrate on is your kids and how to keep them...do whatever is necessary to retain those relationships. You haven't begun to fully end this relationship to begin a new one...sounds like your going back and forth on what is familiar and comfortable (as comfortable as you can be with someone you don't trust or have passionate feelings for). It also seems to me that this husband of yours(I've known a few abusive type personalities) only wants to manipulate your emotions to make you forget what a ******* he is and always will be. Leave that loser before it's too late to save yourself from more despair...days end up being years....don't make this misery last a lifetime for yourself. Don't give him your power, don't have him control your destiny or your happiness...just tell him the truth...that you don't like him...as a person...and your miserable...and no amount of therapy will help him or you stay in this relationship. Good luck...and if you need to talk to someone who is as inclined as you are sexually...you can talk to me. I'm not as familiar with male relationships but I can help you with female ones...or at least understanding yourself a little better.