why do I give you the power in my life. Why does my day depend on you and yours? Why am I not enough? how come I believe I need you so I am okay. How many times am I going to look at my phone for text or email. How come I give you power and when I don’t “get” what I need from you I don’t do what I need for myself. I suffer because of you. Because I gave you power and more importance in my life. I feel like you could drop me in a moment and not think of what that would do to me. I obsess over and over and over again. I make myself physically ill and I can't tell you about any of this. I don’t accomplish what I need too so my life can move forward. All because I don’t think I am enough---just me.
fg...I'm glad that you wrote. How about an update? Your writing sounds a bit sad with some hopelessness.
Are you seeing a therapist? Any plan for recovery?
Please keep writing dear....thinking of you...Jan ♥
Hi Jan,
As far as things go certain aspects of my life are going well. I haven't binged in weeks and have been exercising regularly and am very determined. I am doing better at creating balance in my life.
There is a great deal of sadness that I feel. Almost daily I say to myself feelings are not bad or wrong they just are. Those words are comforting so I thank you for them.
I am just frustrated and sad that at this point in my life I am not married or have children. and I feel those are things I will not ever have and that makes me very sad. I have been physically ill for weeks due to these feelings. I tell myself that the pain I feel wont last or be as intense and taht I need to keep working and pushing through- but it is hard and I hurt.
The only positive is that instead of being self destructive I am using my distressful feelings to promote healthy behaviors. Well minus the negative self talk.
So that is where I am - its so hard for me to write or say these words.
thank you for your support and a place talk
fg
I am sorry that you are going through this all. I hope that you can go into recovery and fight this awful disorder. I will be here if you need someone to chat with or someone to give you support. Take care of yourself, you are beautiful,and you deserve health, recovery and happiness.
FG,
I'm sorry you're hurting, friend... Please know that this is a safe place to write. And never give up hope. I have despaired over being alone for the rest of my life, too. Therapy DOES help. There IS hope. ♥ Hang in there!
Love,
Jen
Hi Jen Congratulations on your anniversary!!!!! That is quite the accomplishment and I am so happy for you and your abilty to see how far you have come in your journey.
I know therapy helps but I am a therapist who hates going to therapy lol---
one of my issues is that this is an aspect of my life which I am very sensitive to and I feel as my friends dismiss it. I'm tired of hearing, "you don't have time now" or "there is someone out there" or whatever other bullshit they tell me. by saying those things i feel as my feelings are negated. Even if what they say is true - what I feel inside is true as well.....
thanks friend
I hear you, FG. I have heard lots of excuses for my chronic singleness, too. If that's a word... ;0) I get kind of a mixed bag: some people want to make me feel better, and others want to fix me up! LOL! But the real issues run deeper than that. My insecurities aren't something that can be fixed with a pat on the head. ;0) Yes, therapy isn't something people really ENJOY... Hahaha! But it IS helpful. I know what you mean, though... It is said that teachers make the worst students. ;0)
Love you, friend!
Jen
And Nurses make the worst patients....♥
FG and Jen...If you want to be with someone, in terms of sharing your life, don't give up on it, and don't settle for less than what you deserve!
After I moved away, came here for treatment, went through a divorce (after a 29 year marriage), and was buried in recovery, I first thought I wanted to be alone, then I thought I could never meet anyone who would put up with me, and then, BAM! I met Dave, and I found what being 'in love' is all about!!
Every hour, every day...keep your eyes open for what life holds for you. Be it a spouse, a good friend, or finding that you are your own best friend..embrace it..none of us knows that tomorrow will bring....HUGS...Jan ♥
I cant believe how lucky I am to come upon this helpful, encouraging site. Jan you are amazing and I truly thank you for all that you do, as well as everybody else does on this site.
I hope you will continue to write, share and reach out for support here. Thinking of you...Jan ♥
Jan,
Thank you! ♥ I HOPE you're right. :)
Welcome, Elizabeth! Jan really IS amazing, isn't she?? :)
Love,
Jen
You are TOO sweet....Love you!! ♥
You are incredible the fact that people can count on someone for good advice that does not encourage EDS and is so helpful blows me away. You make people feel comfortable on here, for some that is really hard. Thank, thank you for all that you do. Love you too and thanks for your help.
I write tonight with the continued sadness and physical pain that I feel because I am unable to be happy with myself. I am physically ill from looking for external validation, which would let me know I am worth something, I am cared for.
Which is all bullshit cause what does it mean coming from others when you (I) don't believe it. I'm so there are some people in my life that what they sayi can handle but others that I feel that I cling to (metaphorically) and I live and die by them. I have to stop I can't take it emotionally or physically anymore.
Sorry phone is being stupid and I had to break up the post
Rough day needed to write. On the plus side still no ED behaviors. Which given how I have been feeling is a great and I can acknowledge and be happy with myself for that.
FG....keep writing! What about your sinus issues? I'm sure that isn't helping. When you stop engaging in the ED behaviors, it's predictable that you will FEEL much worse, for a while. It doesn't last, but you must keep pushing through and allowing yourself to feel what doesn't feel good. Think about other ways to express your feelings, and to adjust to the fact that the intense feelings won't kill you, but your ED can! Take care...Jan ♥
i think you might have me confused with someone else jan, no sinus issues here :)
the truth in all this is that i finally allowed someone in my life and in my heart and now he is gone and with someone else and i am dealing with a broken heart for the first time in my life. and it is as bad as i feared it would be which is why i have never allowed anyone in anymore.
i am hurting. I know there is nothing i can do. its over he has moved on but i keep picturing them together and it makes me so so sick.... and hurts so bad.
I hate that someone has this amount of power over of me and how i feel. that i gave him so much of me and now without him at this moment i feel like I have nothing. I feel vulnerable and exposed to what we shared...
I dont define myself by him and but the relationship was very important to me and i am mourning its loss.
fg--
FG...so sorry....Glad you DON'T have sinus issues!! Too many people to keep track of. Sorry about your painful heart. Please keep writing and know that we are all here for you!
HUGS...Jan ♥
FG,
Broken hearts are painful... But I'm glad you took the risk to let him into your life. I know it doesn't feel that way now, but I suspect someday you'll be glad you did. I have always allowed my fear to keep me from reaching out. I had such a crush on this guy in my ACA group. But I couldn't get myself to say anything for fear of rejection and the pain associated with it. So I remained guarded. And despite a little flirting, he is now in a committed relationship with someone else. And I am sad. I'm not sure which is worse... Heartache over a relationship that has ended, or the loneliness of never having begun one... And the fear builds...
I'm thinking of you today, friend. I wish I knew the right thing to say to ease your pain, but only time and distance will allow that to happen... I'm proud of you for opening yourself up to love, if you don't mind me saying so... ♥
Much love,
Jen
of course Jen I dont mind ;)
its funny who comes into our lives and when they do. I realize that I dont have control over everything including having feelings for someone I never thought I would. although currently distressful this is a positive experience in my life and i am greatful for it. I have learned so much and there are defiantely things I want to work on in myself for the future.
Unfortunalty what comes with that is the painful feelings, that I have. I have had a nice couple of days. I have been feeling better adn my thinking has cleared up. I was actually at the point becuase i was so upset that i was assuming the worse about other people in my lives. as if they were trying to manlipulate and hurt me. the thoughts I allowed to run amok in my mind have been insane and i really need to get that in check. becuase my friends have done nothing wrong.
I guess I was looking to take my anger and hurt out on anyone and I created reasons in my mind why i could be mad at them. thank god I actually never verbalized any of my crazy thoughts. I knew they weren't based in anything, I just wnatned someone to realize and care how much I was hurting.
I expect a lot of up and downs for the next few weeks. My mind still is messing with me and I tend to ruminate about him and his girlfriend together and thats tough, I lose my breath... so I will be doing some thought stopping. as well as to continue to take care of myself. make myself strong by being healthy and conituing in my persuits.
anyway just a little update on a sunday night. sleep well my support group buddies thank you for being there. I am going to try to continue to write because I believe it helps and I want to move forward....
love fg