Not good
2 Hearts
Did you want to talk? Can I help?
@Anella I’m about to have my second miscarriage in 3 months. After trying for almost 3 years. I’m now 40. It’s over for me and I don’t know how to accept this. I can’t believe just my age has caused two consecutive miscarriages. Both ending at the exact same time, to the day. I’m scared to go through this again. It was horrible the first time. I’ve had complete work ups and everything looks good, I am healthy and do everything right. All the years I wasn’t even getting pregnant, I would always say, well at least I don’t get pregnant. The worst would be if I got pregnant and lost it. And now it’s happened twice. I feel so strongly for many years that another baby is meant to come. How could I have been so wrong? I have lost all faith, all trust, all hope. I have done everything I can. I have done everything I was supposed to do holistically. And so has my husband. I am so angry. I never understood people experiencing such grief after having a child already but now i get it. It’s the worst and sometimes I think even worse than not having a child at all. At least you don’t know what you’re missing. I’ve been getting signs of another soul for years and I feel deceived and stupid for believing in signs and god and the universe. I’m stupid and so is my body for allowing this to happen twice. And both a missed miscarriage. This one hasn’t even started on it’s own. I just have to sit here and wait while my baby is dead inside me. I just don’t want to go on anymore. I feel trapped in myself and I have so much rage. I’m scared to even be around my child or husband. I know it doesn’t sound rational and my logical mind thinks I’m crazy. But I want it all to end. I have mourned this baby and then rejoiced in this baby coming over and over and over and over. It’s a sick joke. I hate everything. I need help but don’t even know what that would be. I want to run away and never come back but I have no where to go. I hate my life. I hate myself. I know I need to close the door on having another child, but that seems impossible to do. I don’t want to let it go, but I can’t keep doing this to myself. I want hope but I have no hope. I want things to work out but I don’t think they will. I can’t go on knowing I will have a life of emptiness and envy. This is the worst pain I ever thought possible. Sorry to ramble. I don’t know what to do with my thoughts. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I truly wish that. I don’t want to face another day.
Thank you for checking in. I'm still struggling. My body is still not acting like anything is wrong. I still feell pregnant and my body is just not letting this one go. I really don't want to have to get a D&C but I just want this to be over. I'm so scared that I'm never going to have another child. I'm trying to research what could possible be so wrong that I would have 2 in a row. My mind won't stop racing, I'm still in disbelief. I never in a million years thought this would be my story. I really trusted my body. I really felt like it would know what to do since I've had a baby already. I feel very lost and I cannot accept this can be how the story ends.
1 Heart
@Rikitachikita You’re very welcome. I know this is a difficult time for you and I want to be encouraging in any way that I can. Did you read the short article about the woman who also has lost a child through miscarriage after already having child? Take one day at a time. Matthew 6:33, 34 says, “Keep on, then, seeking first the Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these other things will be added to you. so never be anxious about the next day for the next day will have its own
anxieties. Each day has enough of its own troubles.” I’m sure it’s hard but you want to do your best to focus on taking care of yourself now, as best you can. Try to let the future stay in the future because we really don’t know how any of it will turn out until it becomes the present. Hang in there, I’m still here for you. 
The article is below: