Not sure how to do this anymore. I don't know how to reach out anymore. I don't even know if this is the right place. By multiple therapists I've been prematurely diagnosed as autistic but unable to apply for resources as I'm too "high functioning". My "high functioning" however doesn't help me much in the manner of being able to coexist with the rest of society. In my "high functioning" nature, I've turned to substance use, or more probably substance 'abuse'. I live in US/TX which also prohibits the use of THC and therefore I'm resorted to alcohol as my substance of choice which has also resulted into a degree of weight gain. I don't know how to operate beyond the vale of what's professionally expected of me. In addition, I suffer from depression which helps nothing and I struggle to make any meaningful connections with anyone or anything. I've recently become an animal lover...'recent' being a subjective term. I've always respected animals but until recently whereas I fell in love with a puppy did I understand the meaning and value of life. Such life was stripped from me as said puppy, Lola, was removed from me into the arms of my ex, whom reasonably was our puppy's foster...I still look at her photos ever day hoping she is doing well and is in the good care I know she is. I fell in love with her later and have felt unfairly detached since. This is wide of the point. The point currently is that I do not understand how to exist in this reality in any other point. I'd love to hear any compassionate words and/or from anyone who would like to have a conversation more than a simple singular words in that of support. I seek something more, something, someone, that can help offer me more than platitudes, but will accept any positivity that I otherwise lack. I hope you are doing well, those who have taken time to read this. I wish the best for all of us. I don't know what else to say. Be well (warden William Smithers - for those who get the reference).
Hugs to you.
Thank you @kitcat12.
I'll go to your profile to support you. That way if you would like to personal message then you will have to support me as well. I have high functioning autism in my family so I understand to a degree. I will tell you that you will need to learn how to advocate for yourself and look for resources that can help you. You could start with calling 211 they can help you find resources in your area. Just Google what 211 is so you have a better understanding.
Hello, @Littleturtle1000, I don’t fully know how this site works. I understand that I’ve been a member for almost five years but I’ve also been inactive for the majority of them. I googled 211 and while I see the benefit, it seems to be mostly financial in nature, which is largely not what I need. Though all the same I thank you for the direction.
Self-advocation has always been a difficult thing for me. I’ve found myself in a place where I feel extremely foreign to this existence and thus my self-advocation has largely been in a place whereas I choose a path of least resistance. This has largely proven to be a negative result as the path of least resistance, (at least in my personal experience) has resulted in the sacrifice of one’s self in the need of self preservation. Needless to say this is, almost entirely contradictive though there is some personal benefit.
The primary of what I have found that helps me is companionship, but to that same note, it is companionship that is the most unreliable as a source of help. We all, even those who are unwilling to admit it as it seems, have a sum of troubles that are largely found to be unable to be resolved by external sources, certainly those of a human nature. To those that can by that rock/stone or sense of truth to another, seem simply more broken and unable to find their own source of positivity than the rest of us.
I’ve long since lost that enchantment, that another could be my personal source of positivity and/or comfort as I’ve come to realize the lack of dependency of others to be that we all have our own issues. As I’ve also attempted to peer beyond the other side of that glass only to have found myself equally lacking.
Ironically, the source of support I’m looking for is someone that I can talk to, communicate with, that will not disregard me for being so ‘eccentric’/‘weird’/‘myopic’/‘emotional’/…etc… I have no friends, no lovers, no mutual companions that I can discuss with, that will even seek to understand my burdens. This is the the support that I personally am looking for as it has been the greatest source of my positivity. It’s ironic I know, given the independence I both seek and understand to be unattainable by such a reliance of others. To that, my recent greatest source of positivity has been delving myself into positive TV shows; the likes of which most often leaves me in tears that I could hope for such positive benefit that is delivered through fiction. My current source is the show Star Trek: Discovery - I’m on the early fringes of season three and through one and two have often found myself bound in my own wet eyes hoping the world to be what is shown in such wonderful deliverance.
I wouldn’t dare anticipate you or anyone else to be such a rock in my system, though a rock I hope for. All I know for certain is that I have to find my own way, and I hope to find others that I can encourage, and that they may encourage me along a similar path.
I have a lot to say on the topic but upon the unknown if you’re the audience to hear it, I’ll refrain. What I do know is that our own path is that of ourselves to discover, together or alone, and I relish in sadness the loneliness that I feel, that in hope I will find or help another. I wish you the best and thank you for your words, and hope you have more that you might share with me.
Hugs to you and hope you're well. And welcome back here.
@Goneaway, Aye, hugs would be nice. It’s been a good long while since I’ve felt the warmth of another body. I’m a bit on-and-off at the moment but chatting here has been helpful. I hope you’re doing well too! And…welcome to not having left here to say welcome back? LoL You know, the more awkward version of saying, “You too.”.
I have also been diagnosed as autistic. Similarly, I am also "high functioning", arguably so much that it was missed until far later in my life. Because many of my differences were missed, and worse, misunderstood, I've had to deal with a lot of unexpected challenges in my life. Things starting from childhood that I couldn't even fathom how it would come back to hurt me later.
That said, different or not, you are still very human and susceptible, even vulnerable, to being hurt in all manner of ways. Those differences will give you unique challenges that will be more difficult for many to relate to. Even both of us, both autistic adults, will be anything but the same. However, we may have similar characteristics based on our diagnosis, and as a result of that, probably some similar ways we think about the world differently. Therefore, the challenges you face can go unseen by many, causing many greater personal struggles in life. I find that a common theme for many who are autistic are social challenges in some form or another and being misunderstood. Either way, and I only state this in case, please know you are not so different that you can't be helped or understood.
I also wanted to say, I suspect based on what you say, you're aware how being "high functioning" has caused some trouble. Were you aware its use is something some therapists argue should be discouraged because of how it may inaccurately represent those with ASD and how they struggle? So this may show an example of how you aren't too high functioning to be helped when you need it, but improvements in how to best to be helped may unfortunately still take time.
I'll try to wrap this up so as not to say too much since I could reply to so much of what you said making this far too difficult to read through and easily see the point. If you wanted another person to talk to that may be able to relate to some differences and have some deeper conversation about, well not only this, but pretty much most any topic, let me know. I'd be interested in understanding more and if we connect well, possibly becomming friends. :)
To be fair, I've not been officially diagnosed as being autistic though there is a strong suggestion along with having it been mentioned by two therapists and a third confirming a high likelihood when I had brought it up. Further, what I've also been told is that because I am 'high functioning' I wouldn't qualify for services, which is ultimately fine by me aside the fact that an official diagnosis would be accompanied by a ~$6000 price tag and that is something I simply cannot justify.
On the topic of "high functioning", I believe for me it was a learned skill. In all honesty I haven't done a lot research into autism but every step of the way in what research I have done feels all too familiar. That being said, for lack of a better phrase, my 'brand' of autism is an intense passion and adherence into logic and intellect. As you aptly put, I'm still human and my emotions provide a constant battle but I digress as I'm not to that point in this message yet. LoL The point I'm getting at currently is that in my delving into logic and intellectualism it drove me to develop systems to help me cope with my personal experiences and I feel that it is through these systems that has lead me to be quantifiably 'high functioning'. Ironic it would be that my autism has helped me deal with my...well, autism. That being said, I have certainly not always been high functioning, or even functioning at all at times. My emotional struggles have been severe, to even the point where I look back and see how I used to be, were I still today, I would certainly not be able to be deemed much as functioning at all. Honestly, in that hindsight, I wonder how I was never identified in any way to be pushed (in a good way) into some sort of mental health program that may have helped me in my youth. Amongst everything else, I was very openly depressed and suicidal, which I would think would encourage someone, anyone around me, to encourage me to seek treatment. Granted, (sorry, ranting a bit now) I did seek treatment though very little in the way I needed it. I very frequently missed many many classes in high school as I would frequently be in the office of school consolers confiding in them as they alone at the time seemed to have at least the ability to empathize with me in some meaningful fashion. Beyond that, the one time I broke down and asked my mother to put me in therapy she denied the request. I came to find years later that she was and in some ways still very much is petrified by the idea that her children being "messed up" is a reflection on her parenting, a fear her daughter has further fester in manipulations. Either way, rant over and back to your message.
Oh yes, I'm very well aware of my humanity so to speak and the plights it entails, including the tumultuous attempts to be as little of 'human' as possible. LoL Such is the makings of said unique challenges. In short, I agree with you. I have to admit, it's a bit difficult to respond to words that you already know so well and agree with. Further, it's interesting to be on this side of the fence in this conversation as I find myself so often sitting where you do with your message. I'm also seeing the difficulty others may have experienced in how to respond to me as the obvious intellectualism and reasonable basis of statements you make it difficult to find a meaningful way to nod and say more than, "I know and agree with you.". LoL To that I'm drawing on my real time experiences as means of response as I feel your message very much warrants more than 'I agree'. Ironically the result I feel is also the same as you've provided me and wonder if you too are reading this thinking, "I understand...now how do I put that into meaningful words?". To that, I also feel that this response is uncharacteristically discombobulated and chaotic but at the same time, perhaps with similar perceptions and/or thought processes you still understand and maybe are even having a good chuckle at it as I am. =)
Hmm, yes, being misunderstood. I understand. ;-) Joking aside I do. Far too often have I had innocent words twisted into a perversion of intention that was never my own and have lost people I've cared about to such misunderstandings. In some way, by responding in this more chaotic fashion I feel I may be unintentionally propagating such misunderstandings but again, you message deserves more a simple nod and I do not know of how else to go about it currently.
I do find it somewhat encouraging that you "find that a common theme for many who are autistic...". That statement speaks more to be of commonality and lack of difference. To a point I feel you alluded to in another post, where do I find these people?!?!? LoL Maybe here? Time will tell. To your point here however, my differences are perceived through a limited lens of my own experiences as I like all others am unable to reasonably speak for a whole. To that, my differences are really not a comparison between two things, but between me and what I see as lacking around me. This is unfortunately a skewed point of view but without time and additional experiences, we are bound by what world we know to be around us and I have been around misunderstanding infinitely more than commonality thus my view of 'difference'. I think a more accurate word word be "lacking" rather than "difference" as I lack the vision to see commonality beyond my experiences. I'm intentionally foregoing the idea of an extended conceptual understanding of things because I feel it would draw out this already lengthy message to unreasonable degrees as I've made many considerations there as well. In the spirit of the phrase I will agree, "There's nothing new under the sun.". To that, LoL I agree that I am not not so different that I could not be helped or understood. ;-)
Yes, I am aware, albeit only on a personal level, how being high functioning has had its own troubles though no, I was not aware of the argument you state though I do personally see truth in your statement of its discouragement. As example, in this context, it feels very much that the statement of "high functioning" is offensive, as it appears to be used in a means to diminish the trials and tribulations of those the label has been applied simply because they have found some means of existing in modern society. Just because one is capable of something that another is not, does not mean that the achievement was not just as difficult as the struggle of those who were unable to attain it. If anything, it 'might' (I'm very hesitant to say this as I'm not looking to give the appearance of justifying the pendulum swinging the other direction but all the same, it is a simple thought that's crossed my mind just now) suggest that the struggle of those who have achieved was 'more difficult', as they had to pass trials that the others had not even approached. Again, not playing the victim or advocating that either 'label' or 'non-label' has it more difficult, just communicating a thought.
Hmm, yes, how to best be helped takes time, I agree. That is part of, at least MY, largest problem here. The question of 'how to cope'. I have my own mechanisms but they are inefficient to say the least and are, without doubt, largely destructive as well, sacrificing one area of my life to sustain another. I do have some healthy mechanisms too but again, also inefficient.
Oh no Evan, if not to rehash the message I'm replying to, I'd offer that you don't hold back in the name of "saying too much". I think it rather clear that I enjoy the discord and all its side tracking.
Let me know if I missed anything you said that you'd like expounded upon or any of whatever your thoughts and feelings are here or pretty much any topic as you stated. It's been interesting to get a little unhinged in this chaos of conversation.
@ABlindingVoid Wow! Lol! You gave me a LOT to respond to. I’ve read through it all, but need some time to better formulate a response to all of this. It may take me longer than a day since my time has been limited as of late, and have been giving myself extra time at the expense of sleeping. However, what you say does intrigue me. I hope I don’t take too long, but in case, giving this notice so you know I’m working on it and not ignoring you. In the meantime, I wish you well!
@EvanM08 - Ugh, this is aggravating (not you). Would you please see if you can DM me? I see you supporting me, I've attempted to do the same, but when I try to message you, it tells me we're not mutual supporters. Then, when I attempt to support you again, it tells me that I cannot do so more than once. I suspect this has something to do with me being on a mobile browser but will not have access to my computer until later this evening to verify.
@ABlindingVoid it can take some time for it to register 2 people supporting each other