I'm going to tell my story, briefly, in the hopes that someone out there can relate, & begin a conversation. Through the reading & research that I have done, I found some information on "Obsessive Relationship Disorder" that pretty much is who I have been for the past three years. I met a guy that I instantly fell for...that, combined with his resistance to me (wanting to take it slow), is what kicked the obsession in for him. I've never done any of the drastic stalking stuff, nor constant phone calls, etc (nor any rabbits in a pot on the stove ha!!). I did, however, think of him constantly, and became very anxious in the relationship. I was continually wanting to talk him into a relationship, which just pushed him away. I became so obsessed with him, it pushed him away, & he is now back with his ex. I am working hard to think about anything else, but must admit it about ruined my career and my life, as I went into a bad depression. As best as I've been able to determine based on lots of reading, I did not receive enough love as a child, (I know, I know, its just my story and I don't blame my parents...)so I become very eager to find it. Learned that if I 'fill up with love' via friends, etc first I'm more likely to be successful when another guy comes along. Anyone relate?
I would not try to psychoanalyze yourself too much. You just want someone who is unavailable to you physically (and emotionally). It's not unusual for people to do this. It's human nature.
Good for his ex that they have reunited. It sounds like they need to iron out a lot of problems between the two of them. You should not concern yourself or get involved in another person's relationship.
There are other people out there, so don't waste your time or psychic energy. Lots of interesting people. Much more interesting than someone who is going to cry on your shoulder about their ex and how they were not treated right, etc.
I am sure that if you wanted to be a shrink, you would have signed up for the job. You should never try to start out a romantic relationship by trying to solve someone's problems. You are only leaving yourself open to trouble.
HI Lil Dipper, I very much appreciate your response. I’ve come a long way, but still have progress to make. This ‘obsession’ problem i have has happened before, and I am determined it won’t happen again! When it happens, it becomes ALL CONSUMING and extremely difficult to let go & move on. I literally have spent about 95% of my waking hours thinking of him…I’ve also been over 3 years trying to find the strength to move on…in fact, if I had had that kind of strength, we likely could have worked things out. I’m curious to find others that have not just been hurt by broken relationships, but that have been through this obsession. I’d like to compare notes to find out what they did, etc. Although I am making considerable progress with a ‘Change your thoughts, change your life’ philosophy…doing everything I can to think about ANYTHING else, stay busy, etc etc. Anyway, Thanks again!
Adventuregirl, good post, I admire you for seeking answers as you have, instead something worse (boiled bunny, that movie will always keep some thinking huh). I'm sure you'll find alot here that have or are trying to deal w/that topic, at least your better prepared now, beauty of hind sight, keep working on it & focus on you.
Take care of you.
April
You guys are too funny. Boiled bunny! (Poor bunny!)
By the way, what do all the different color knots mean??
adventuregirl- the knots represent the total number of support point you have earned. Check out the "My Support Points" in the left side column. The more you post and/or support, you earn points. I think they are just to award you and show others how involved you have been with the support group. I don't believe they count for anything else.
Can't advise too much on the "ORD", although I have had that happen to me twice, once on the receiving end. I feel in love with somone who didn't really love me back, at first. My second husband, I worshiped the ground he walked on and thought he was just amazing. I seem to barely turn his head. We got married, got a job doing construction together, and he began to get jealous of me. Then, he became really competitive at work. That ended us up in many fights and finally we divorced. Since then, 4 years ago, he still calls me. He even called on his new girlfriend's phone! That didn't turn out well for him. He's recently been arrested for DUI. Just to say, funny how the tables turn around sometimes. That's when I started looking at relationships differently. I don't obsess over anything anymore. If you don't want to be with me, don't! Just be honest with me. I may cry my eyes out and hurt, but I will heal and move on.
I didn't receive much love or affection as a child, though. I do understand trying to replace the love that you feel you missed or was robbed of. I tried to find anyone who would love me, at one time, and found noone. I almost took my life, but found out I was pregnant. She saved my life. I finally had someone to love me, for who I was, her mom. So, with some self discovery and alittle self-esteem, try to realize you don't need to force things to happen. You have to be patient and understand there are two people in a relationship and things need to happen naturally. Sorry, you lost your boyfriend,but sounds like now would be a good time to focus on yourself for awhile. Try to feel comfortable and in love with yourself before you start up another relationship. Keep writing and good luck to you.
I know how you feel. And throughout the years I've learned that we shouldn't waste time on those who resist us. We will find somebody who wants to be with us wholeheartedly. It's so easy to make excuses and try to analyze why things are happening, it's usually very simple. Yes or no. There should be no gray area whether someone is in or out. Sure we all have baggage and issues, but for the most part, nobody should mess with someone's heart. Like Shakira says, "it should be illegal to deceive a woman's heart." Not knowing or being sure should be hint enough that it isn't right. This is just my opinion. I feel when you know, you know. Love is never a waste of time, but how often is what we feel love anyhow?
xo, July
not sure why mine posted twice, don't mind me...
Wow, thank you both Liar2Me and July. You have both given me sound advice and things to think about. Definitely true about 'there should be no gray areas'....I think back now on how noncommitted he was, but honestly I really thought there was hope. And yes, he fully knew how I felt the entire time, but kept up the illusion. Although I do take responsibility; I so wish I would have ended it right away. That's where the 'obsession' kicked in...I actually ended it several times but got weak & called...
I try to look at it as a great lesson, & that all people come into our lives for a reasons, a season...etc. Unfortunately he was more like 12 seasons (LOL), but hopefully the reason was the lesson to be learned, and that he is not really 'the one'. I hope to look back on him some day and think "Thank God for unanswered prayers"...just can't come quick enough now....
Thank you all; it feels so great that you are 'out there'...
Adventure, that’s a great attitude. What I stated earlier is so much easier said than done. Certainly we know when something doesn’t feel completely right yet we hold out in hopes that we are wrong. It’s incredible how someone so wrong can make it seem so right. I personally hold onto things until the very end so that I don’t have regrets. I’m the type of person that would rather dive in, crash and burn, to then learn the lesson. I suppose that is what makes it worthwhile. I don’t like leaving things unsaid or unknown, so I guess I really need those experiences to have closure and not look back. We all deal with things differently and regardless of the fact that your 12 month relationship didn’t work out, you ceratinly learned a lot about yourself and I guess the silver lining is the lessons you’ve learned from them and how you will apply them in your future relationships. There are so many cowards out there that won’t try because they fear getting hurt, at least now you know. And I’m sure there were plenty of good things about that person to look back on. Just because he wasn’t right for you doesn’t mean he was a waste of time. There’s a reason for everything, even when most times we don’t understand the reasons. We all have to go through experiences such as yours to really appreciate when we find the right one.
xo, July
Boy can I relate to this. This is exactly what I am doing with my husband that I have been married to for 25yrs. I am now obsessed with the relationship. We have been through a lot of ups and downs but this last year is really getting tough. My husband turned 50yrs old in Aug and maybe that has something to do with him and stuff he's going through. See I am the who wears there story on there sleeve (hate that) but that is me. He keeps everything inside. I then wonder and imagine all sorts of things and it is driving me crazy. I am exhausted from the emotional roller coaster. Like you said you either know or you don't. I am trying to keep mind on everything and anything but this situation and nothing is working.........UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
By the way, Liar2Me, I meant to comment on what you said about being in love with yourself first. VERY important, sound advice; I couldn't agree more. IT is not until we fill up our 'love bucket' that we have love to give others. And until we have loved others we cannot love ourselves. So thank you all for 'sharing the love'!
I have to tell all of you how touched I am in your responses. Honestly, I have 'worn out' all my girlfriends over this guy. Yes, finding other things, such as music, etc., to occupy my mind is the key, rather than continually think about him. Hysterical that you mentioned Pottery, LilDipper, because I did take up pottery about a year ago and it is a GREAT outlet!
I so appreciate all of your support, and am incredibly grateful that I found this website. Wish I could personally meet you all! I'm in Florida, BTW....
Thanks again, & please don't go away! Love you all, & I'm here for you as well.
Lily...I encourage you to read as much as you can about using new words to speak to your husband. Read some of David Deida's work...
Thanks Adventurgirl, I will check that out for sure. I can’t remember for sure if it was you who also suggested to read “Real Love” If so, do you know who the author is? Any help would be greatly appreciated! I live in PA but I have a lot of relatives living in Florida…Lucky… sunshine, palm trees, beaches, wish I was there right now.
Have a great day!!
Lily
xo
Thanks for the great comments, Adventuregirl. I live in North Carolina. Have a wonderful day.
I do want to mention that I love this website, too. I just wish it wouldn't have so many technical issues.
You said it Lil_Dipper! The technical issues frankly "suck". It's really uh...disturbing. When I get the time, or need to get on here it been down lately. I've only been on the site for about 2 months. Does anyoneknow if this happen all the time? I didn't know if they were just maybe updatting the site or something. I don't know if anyone else has been struggling with this. I would say the new people on here, for loneliness, are struggling through this. Extra thoughts and prayers to you all, for I am going through the same.
Sometimes the site is down. Sometimes the pages take forever to load. It IS disheartening because I feel that so many people are wonderful here and connect in a very real and honest way.
This is the only website I have found where the people do not seem pretentious. I had joined experience project a year or two ago, but it just seems like a bunch of people patting themselves on the back for whatever…
I am grateful to know that so many are out there wanting to help others and encourage them. I also hope that I can keep someone from feeling bad about their situation because I hate to see people suffering.
It’s terrible when you feel like you can’t reach out to that other person who may really need to be heard for the moment.
I hope the issues do not persist.
Found out they are upgrading to a larger server to make things better. This should just be a temporary thing.
LILY,
Yes, I suggested Real Love, by Greg Baer. He also has some excellent videos, which i like because the two of you could watch them together.
I've only been to PA once...did the touristy Liberty Bell stuff, etc, & of course enjoyed a Philly Cheesesteak or two!
All my best; let me know what you think about the book!