Sorry for the grim title but for those of us (ok - ME!)are teetering on our recovery and having a difficult time truly COMMITTING ourselves to it this is important.
I was just sitting here thinking WHY on earth am I destroying my life with Bulimia. MY LIFE is seriously at stake. Although we may not see right now the affects on our bodies there are likely things indirectly being affected.
I googled deaths from Bulimia and it stated that many bulimics are found dead over a toilet or chocking from a torn esophagus, etc. What an AWFUL day to die. I can't imagine leaving this earth this way and my children knowing that I did this to MYSELF!! How horrible for them (they have no idea I have an ED).
How shameful and selfish - those are 2 things I immediately think of. I want to MOTIVATE myself to just STOP this disease and be strong.
Just wanted to share my thoughts as I am CONTINUING to relapse REPEATEDLY and can't seem to get on the ball.
Caroline, this seems a very intense type of motivation but believe me, i do understand. i can't get myself to commit fully either, i can't let go of it. and even hearing, reading, learning about all the side effects doesn't change this. yes, i am scared of having all the health issues but i don't really care because i'd rather be dead right now anyway, and in a way i'm hoping for it. i'm not allowed to kill myself purposely so i just continue with bulimia... does that make sense?
but you have two lovely children who need you! and i'm being proper **** now (sorry) but i won't allow you to do this!!! what do you think it is exactly that holds you back from recovery? can you tell me that? i think it might help you get through it if you make yourself fully aware of it! what does ED tell you to keep you holding on to it?
Maedi - thanks so much for your response... yes, i feel like I owe you a therapist fee -- as you are asking all of the right questions... (I've only been seeing my therapist for 3 weeks so far).
I've never really asked myself the Q of what is keeping me back. I think, in part, it has to do with my genuine GREED for food - I think about food all of the time and I like having my cake and eating the ENTIRE THING and then some. I just love food..
Its weird b/c I am of average size so I'm not trying to lose weight - but I do have sincere fear of being overweight...
Also, I use B. everytime I am stresed out. I use it as a scapegoat -- if I'm upset I'll think OK - this means going to the grocery store and getting all the "bad foods" and having my way with them...
Maedi - i have to tell you that sometimes during my verrrrrrrrrry horrible non-stop b/p episodes I also think that being DEAD would be best -- its just so painful, shameful, awful, tiring, to have to deal with this disease...
Thank you for the Q - I will bring it up with my therapist next week. You are super awesome...
I hope you are doing Ok. I know we've exchanged some posts in the past. Let me know if I can help strategize your recovery with you.. we are all in this together...
xoxo,
Caroline
NEEDING to commit 100% and not look back...
i'm really glad i cold help, caroline, and hell no, it does not deserve a fee, it's called friendship :-) and you paid me back by making me smile...
i assume that things go way further than what you described. that greed for food, the eating it all, the wanting more than anything else - this is ED!!! humans are made to love food, i mean, we live of it. but i think you're searching for something else, to fill a void, something that all amounts of foods, even BAD foods, cannot fill.
for me it hink it simply is that way i feel about myself in this world. i cannot imagine liking myself, not even accepting myself. I ALWAYS WANT MORE!!!! you can chose for yourself if i now mean food or more from myself.
and thanks so so much for your kind offer. i might just hire you!! :-)
have a great day, don't let ED hold you back!
xxxx
you are probably right maedi about an underlying issue. i've been told that before... although i've never been able to figure what the FRICK that underlying issue is with food and why i use it other than to deal with stress sometimes.
i'm in a happy relationship (post divorce) and feel like i live a good life with a lot of happiness - SOMETHING is hiding underneath evidentally....
i hope therapy will help THIS time - haven't been it in for manyyyyyyyyyy years b/c it never helped.
I was in IP for 2 weeks a long time ago but it didn't help longer than a few weeks after i left. its almost like i need a FOOD POLICE like they have in IP. most of the girls were anorexic so I didn't have anything to relate to...
i think IP for two weeks is way too short. it takes tons of time to break any routine if life but to break an addiction? it's all about re-learning everything: how to think, feel, eat, act etc.
it took me lots of therapies too to finally at least have a bit of an idea why i put myself through this. i was lucky to not have had any severe trauma in life, so why? it may just be down to yor inner self. perfectionism? huge expectations? not allowed to fail? have to be the best at everything? things like that can turn extreme...
i'm sure therapy will help you, you seem ready to let it go :-)
i think you hit the nail on the head w/ the classic bulimic requirement to be PERFECT at everything and in every way - even tho I am far from it. I'm in the same boat as never having had anything traumatic that would seem to trigger this in the first place.
i agree with you that 2 weeks doesn't do SQUAT but that's all insurance would pay and that's the only time i was able to get off from work -- sad.
anyhoo, let's all continue to support each other and do our best to get this evil creature behind us!!