Posting for someone else, due to personal complications, nam

Posting for someone else, due to personal complications, name; Oram pronouns; any

i have a question- im almost 20 now, never experienced romance and ive never even had a proper crush. im genderfluid, bisexual, afab and living in a conservative muslim country (i am also muslim, and yes this is all relevant). for personal reasons, i cant go NC with my family and nor do i want to, though i do plan on being LC with them once i move out.

because i am a Big Gay, naturally ive always wondered what being in love is like. ive wondered what being loved is like. i have friends that love me and im eternally grateful for that- i dont take them for granted and i want to make that clear. i have one or two family members who know about my identity as well, and im super grateful for the safety they give me too.

but no matter how much work ive been putting in for myself, or rely on the platonic validation i receive- romantic validation is different. im not stupid, and unfortunately lying to myself only works for so long. i cant give myself romantic connection to another person, and finding someone who fits the high bar (/s) of a cis muslim guy and not a bigot has seemingly proved impossible (dating apps are very unsafe and no **** is worth that risk). after finding out that im genderfluid, the rift seemed to tear further, not even because of homophobia but because even the really REALLY nice guys are probably a) not willing to sit in the closet around my family which i understand or b) dont want to date someone genderfluid bc their sexuality isnt fluid either, which i cant fault them for either.

ive tried just giving up on it, but that only proved to be emotional self harm. so were back to square one of me wondering what im supposed to do with all these feelings that have nowhere to go. i dont want to dangle a proverbial carrot infront of my face and just keep getting the stick. i have trauma from how awfully i was treated by male bullies (theyd act grossed out by the idea of me romantically, dare ppl to be nice to me, etc) any clues on what im supposed to do?

Who are you posting for? Seems a little strange, we are anonymous anyway.

@CKBlossom my best friend, the complications are mostly the internet, where I am (which I won’t specify) the internets not that good, I’m lucky to be in an area where the internets readily available, though is this really important for me to tell? Why are you asking?