I have been experiencing nearly constant episodes of panic. When I try to do deep breathing, it actually makes the attack worse. I struggle to get air. Things have been extremely worse since the marriage counseling session last Thursday. I had a consult for a colonoscopy last Friday and spent an hour trying to make sure I had a female for the appointment. When my husband asked why, I commented that I didn't want some male doctor messing around 'back there'. He said well, you used to like doing that. I went full-blown panic and yelled for him to stop. He kept going. I was shaking and my vision went dark. I yelled for him to stop and he finally did. BUT, he didn't, and still doesn't, understand what was so wrong about what he did. My panic has been very, very much more difficult to deal with since then. He wants intimacy, but I can't. I'm beginning to think I may have to try to dissociate like I used to if only to appease him...
It sounds like you need to work on getting away from him for good because that's total disregard for your feelings and your well being and it's just so wrong on so many levels. Please believe me when I tell you you shouldn't be with a person like that. You need someone who wants to protect you in every way and be extremely sensitive about the horrific abuse you went through.
@Fohb460 - I am not closed to the idea of leaving him. Right now, we’re seeing a marriage counselor, so I’m going to ride it out for now. It’s a difficult situation, but isn’t it always. I was ‘different’ when we met; more sexual, more experimental, more everything I’m not now. I haven’t been ‘that’ person for about 15 years. He’s tired of being a ‘monk’; I don’t blame him for that. What I DO ‘blame’ him for is not ‘trying’ to understand and making it all about himself.