This quote came up in my feed from a book coming out from one of my favorite poets, and it hit me really hard. I sometimes think about how I’m going to handle my mother’s funeral when that time comes, and I still don’t have an answer. The thought of pretending to be sad and saying nice things about her feels impossible. Ollie had a really complicated relationship with their father, which they’ve written about extensively, but still had enough love to lie at his funeral. I don’t think I have enough left for my mother to even do that. It’s not like she’s going to keel over tomorrow, but she’s in her 70s, has health problems, and has recently taken to obsessing over her ashes/how they’re kept/them never getting thrown out ever/etc, so it’s a topic that’s been hovering over me for the past year. Is there anyone here whose narcissistic parent(s) passed away?
I have no contact so I figure I might hear through the grapevine if he dies, he cut me out of my grandparent’s will (forged my grandmother’s signature to do so) so I doubt I will be in a will so I don’t think I will be informed that way. I guess I really don’t understand funerals, they seem like a show and who are they really for?
That’s a tough one. I definitely could understand not wanting to go to the funeral of a narcissist parent. I only have experience with an ex wife and I could say I definitely wouldn’t want to go to her funeral and pretend like she wasn’t a monster. Maybe I would visit her grave though… but only for dancing purposes 
Do other people know how she hurt you? I know covert narcissist can hide their bad behavior from others.
I don’t know if I would classify my dad as like a completete narcissist or anything because I have met some legitimate narcissists far worse than him and so its hard for me to really compare him to such an extreme. However he is toxic enough that if there were a spectrum for narcissists he would surely fall within it somewhere.
He was a pretty big a**hole when I was growing up. Every now and again I wonder if I will be sad when he dies; and if I am I wonder if it will actually be because he died and I feel the loss, or if it will just be because I am scared of the changes I know will happen after he is gone.
I think when you have a strained relationship (or in some cases, no relationship) with your parent because they opted to think more about themselves and their needs then about you and yours, its natural to think about their deaths and how you might feel when it ultimately happens. Its part of the internal struggle you will always have where that relationship is concerned. It will make you question what kind of person you really are and revaluate what kind of person they are.
Part of you will probably just feel angry and resentful because all you ever really wanted was a healthy, loving relationship with them. Like alot of your friends had with their parents. We all really just want “normal” which tends to be whatever life you didnt have in this world.
Another part of you, the less hardened part, will probably just be sad. Not only because she was your mom and loss is loss, but because the problems you two have went unresolved and were never mended and that will always hurt. Her death may leave you without the closure that you may not even conciously realize you need. It happens.
And then there is another part of you that will ultimately just feel relieved that she is gone and that there is some end to the drama she has brought to your life.
Anyways, I am just speculating not knowing anything about the issues you and your mom have but the point I am trying to make is that whatever you feel when it happens is okay. If you dont want to fake it, dont fake it.
I mean maybe dont throw a party celebrating her death or anything but if you dont feel sad then you just dont feel sad. She obviously hasnt earned that from you.
You dont ever have to explain your emotions to anyone. Let people think what they want to think because like me they dont know the whole story. Allow them to grieve the loss of the relationship they had with her and just do your best to get through it so that after you can move past it.
I think we all overcomplicated things somedays trying to figure out what the world expects from us when in reality it doesn’t matter. We will get judged regardless of the choices we make.
Mine haven’t passed away & i live with them… out of necessity, & since i can’t live with my own anger or irritation or stress, which is directed at myself… at the end of the day… (since for some reason… narcissists r invincible yet miserable at the same time…)
I have a very cordial/silent/submissive attitude towards them…,
As long as i can get through my day, with my planned activities & studies & work… its good enough…
As for when they die… I’ll simply not care… i wud prefer to move on w my life… without a doubt…
As for everyone else… its not like they wud care much either… maybe they will talk abt it at best… but will move on w their lives… & it’s not like I’m going to be dependent on anyone for basic necessities…
** I’ll recommend u to move on w it as well… if u have to go & prented… go n pretend… no need to stress over it all… rmb… they don’t matter much…
I hope u be okay, at the end of it all.
How are you doing?