Raped-painful memories havent been able to share with my counselorLONG pOST


Joined: 2009-06-25
Support Points: 19310
Group: Eating Disorder
Submitted by grace31 on Sun, 2010-07-18 00:20
I recently seperated from my husband its now been 5 mths.I spent over 20 yrs with this man who at times seemed very loving..and then very abusive sexually emotionally ,physically.Physically not by hitting but aggressivly.I have been so stupidly blind all these yrs.There is soo much he has done to me difficult things to talk face to face with a counselor about.Just thinking of them allready brings tears to my eyes.I was 17 when I met him.

Our first sexual experience when we first had sex he was very persuasive .I was afraid and not ready,I remember telling him I wasn't ready. He kept trying to persuade me removing my clothes I was afraid and kept telling him I wasn't ready,then I remember him pulling his pants down to his knees.I remember him repeatedly say it would be ok.I remember him being very ecxcited.He wouldnt stop trying and next thing you know he was inside of me. I remember it being painful .I was so tense and couldnt move because he was on top of me .He was 6ft2 200 lbs,I was 5ft 1o6 lbs.I was scared it was like he had this control over me.It was very hard to move or breath with his weight on top of me.There were others around friends nearby in the room doing the same.Now looking back I can see now the red flags I couldn't see before.

He was heavily into porn ,he regularly went to strip bars.I was his "woman".He humiliated me around his friends and I still stayed.He screwed around with other girls at parties and I still stayed.How could I be so blind and stupid. Going over all the yrs is very painful.We had broken up a few times and I took him back.

We married in 1991.Not the fairytale wedding most girls dream of.He stopped the strip bars but rented porn videos weekly.He openly watched porn on the computer,right in front of me.There is so much more that I could share.He wanted sex 3x or more a day.Anal sex he found very arousing he was very persuasive about that also I did not want to even try that.It was so disgusting and degrading to me.He was persistent in doing this with me.The first time he tried I was afraid,the first time he tried I cried because of the pain.But it excited him.His excitment kept him going.He knew I didn't want to.I was afraid of him and how angry he could get to me.

With many more stories I could add ,my most recent sexual abuse happened almost 5 1/2 mths ago.Two weeks before our seperation.He was emotionally abusive and very controling.he had given me the silent treatment for 2 weeks.I was afraid to speak to him the cycle would go silent treatment.Me apologizing and not knowing why he was mad and what I Was apologizing for.Then him not accepting my apology "it was too late for sorry" he would always say to me.That day he left a note on the bed he had printed off the internet about anal sex,with a bottle of lubricant.He knew I hated it.He told me it was just a joke.That night I was awoken by him undressing me he was all over me ,he had been drinking.I was not there emotionally.I cried we talked he said he loved me. Then it happened he positioned me for anal sex.I said to him you know I don't like this..I don't want to do this .He kept trying as I was pulling away.I remembered how painful it could be.He stopped for a few seconds and then he grabbed me again trying to force it in he said "no Im gonna do it anyway you will see I will make you feel good"he couldn'tvhear my tears as he forced himself into me.He continued rapeing me.It lasted only minutes.Then he dressed and went downstairs and I cried myself to sleep.

At this point he weighed about 240 and I weighed 103 lbs.

Wow I got more responses on the Ed site than here..anyway I will be seeing my counselor on wednesday and not quite sure where to start and not sure how I will be able to talk face to face about the abuse in my marriage.

Where is all the support here?

Grace, here is the support. :)
I am sorry about everything you had to went trough. Your story is so similar to me , my husband also like anal sex and I can't stand it. Every time I asked him what he wants for birthday , he would want anal sex. But I would never allowed him to do this to me. Not after several times of pain. I wish I can put my foot down and not to let emotional abuse. It seems like it's much more harder. How did you get separated? Have you just pack you stuff and left? I hope you have a good job and are financially independent


I decided I could not live with the abuse once I named that it was abuse.I confronted him about everything and he was so in denial.I talked to a couple of friends of mine and decided myself that the only way he would get it is if I left.My kids and I left one night and well everything else fell into place after that.i was afraid and scared at the time but after haveing left I now know it was the right decision to make.
My ex husband knew I didn't like him doing certain things regarding sexual things....the more educated I became about abuse in all forms the more I could see it in my marriage.Once I named it as abuse i couldn't stay in it..because if I stayed then I would be saying its ok for him to abuse me and its NOT OK!
I hit my breaking point...no one deserves to be treated like they are worthless.
I was living in fear ..shame..and I was very unhappy.he was very controling ..i don't think he was really aware he was.it was very natural for him.I have not shared everything with my counselor but what i have she says he has put me through hell.

I see what you are saying. I am still trying to figure all this out. I have been seeing counselor only for about one months but more and more I see him , more and more I am disgusted what other people have done to me. How could I have allowed that? At first my parents were emotionally abusive and now my husband. I have a great work, but he would always laugh at me, that I would never get it. I never was good enough for anything. When we started to live together he would isolate me and I would have really hard time to socialize. I would be scared of talking to other people, it still stress me out a little bit. And he would think that something wrong with me. My counselor said that he really needs a therapy but usually people who need it the most never seek one. I want to leave, but I am also scared. I don't have anyone here.