I finally stopped making excuses for my mother, she has been really toxic and recently her behaviour has gotten so bad that I feel emotionally tired being around her.
I avoid her and now I want to stop telling her what I do because clearly she does not see me as myself just an extention of her.
On my birthday (last month) the male waiter complimented me and called me ‘sugar’ and my mom said
‘Why did he call you that?’ ‘Why cant he say that to me?’ In a weird tone like jealousy to my dad and he ignored her.
She posted my pictures on her facebook about my birthday withoit my permission to her friends, people I do not know but they know me. I felt uncomfortable. I will never take her out or my dad again for my birtgday.
She also kept criticizing herself and I took pictures of her and she looked at them. I felt drained hearing her go on and on about her aging.
My birthday felt mediocre because I can tell my parents were pretending and did not caee, I felt more appreciation at the resturaunt I went to than with them.
She also posted it to her toxic familys group chat for validation of them when they do not care about my mom. They are all just as FAKE as her. I felt weird her posting me when I knew she did it for peoples validation and I hated it. I enjoyed my meals but I made a mental note to never go out with them again.
Two days ago after I finished dressing to go out , she told me to go outside without a belt when truthfully my skirt was not fitting well. Sje has done this multiple times throught my life, for school she ruined my hairstyles, she yanked curlers out of my hair when my hair was awful it was heat damaged (2017) , gave me bad advice for my appearance and when ai went into secondary school in 2011 she refused to hem up my uniform (it was fallimg on the ground) and I got bullied every day and she blamed ME for being bullied.
She NEVER gave me the sex talk or talk about my cycle so I had to figure out everything myself or even hygiene so ai relied on Youtube as my guide. Thankfully I learnt quickly.
When I was 11 she isolated me from people my age and I was only around this toxic family on her side who are just as toxic as hers. This affected my mental health negatively and I cut contact with them recently because I noticed they only USE each other and I need to heal after an aunt took advantage of me from 2020- early 2021 so I avoid her as well.
Mom used to get mad at me having friends and only wamted me arround her and this stunted my social and interpersonal skills. I would always have to be home or out with my parents and they treated me however they like or its my dad trying to get me mad or criticize me, my body, my food and she does nothing and thinks it is normal or he would tell lies and denies he did these things and she would justify his toxicity because of his dark, traumatic , past.
She dislikes me being genuinely happy and would encourage me to stay in toxic stuations/ areas/ with people that are abusive and take the abusers side. I went through mental and psychological abuse at school, home (with her boyfriend that is my dad), lessons, camp and I was miserable. I felt like no one cared and I suffered from depression for my life and when I first told her she laughed at me.
Mom contantly grabs or touches my hand like I am a kid and I get angry because I dislike people touching me or she is in my personal space she does not care about my boundaries and I had to stop telling her my problems, one time she smiled when I cried and got mad that I was having a mental breakdown.
I later was diagnosed with lupus and I finally found peace mentally. (Lupus was causing my mental health to detoriate so I found a solution for that) but due to her never pushing for my health she never cared to check for my symptoms until I lost ALL funnction in my hands, was mentally confused and lost my abulity to walk. (2022) This is forever burnt into my memory because it was when I realized she will lut my life in danger and not care until it is too late.
She has public huminiated me on multiple occasions, lied to my friends just so she can look better.
She also justifies my fathers toxic behaviour towards me and does nothing about it. In her mind ’ it has to be my fault’
She uses me to make herself look good to the public when truthfully she has destroyed my life ever since I went through puberty.
Thanks to talking to my psychatrist we figured out she has low emotional intelligence and it explained so much about her behaviour.
Now I try to avoid her and I find more peace focusing on myself and my needs. I figured my life would be better WITHOUT her (or my father) in it because they constantly show how they really feel about me and I want nothing to do with her.