Same old same old

Relationships Moving On & Healing
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It has been said that if you are not satisfied with an outcome or if you don’t attain your goals, change. My amazing “superpower” is changing a lot to move towards a better self and more chances to find love, but nothing ever working no matter how many times I try, what I read, “being myself,” or anything else anyone/thing else has offered (or that I’ve looked up/attained).

This whole thing is so full of nuance and and unusual outcomes that 99% of most people can’t even come close to understanding… and that’s NOT saying it’s “worse” or “feel sorry for me.” It’s just a statement of fact. Most people who have experienced a few years of gut-wrenching loneliness have only experienced a few years, not a few decades with no social life or any clue or any representation of any progress. I’m NOT saying people here won’t understand. I’m saying whatever the knee-jerk reaction of “all you need to do is [enter overused advice here]” is usually so far outside of what is going on with me that it makes me want to scream.

My whole life fell apart (yet once again lol) about a year ago. And since then, it’s been kind of a blur of just trying to survive and numb my desires enough to forget about the most important thing I’ve ever wanted at least temporarily.

I won’t go on about what not to say, but hitting the super-typical “love yourself,” “seek therapy,” “go to a better region,” “have you tried…?”, etc., etc., have all been things I’ve either accomplished or am currently trying to accomplish.

I really don’t mean to sound bitter and combative. I really do appreciate helpful people who LISTEN and are empathetic. It’s just so easy to let it all get to you when 1) most who hear your situation have ZERO clue, 2) most will accuse you of being the #1 force behind others’ decisions to treat you badly/not like you. And 3) even after explaining in detail WHY I believe I may be autistic (letting them know about behaviors, life, and anxieties), completely dismissing it and defaulting right back to the “stop feeling sorry for yourself” schtick. Yeah, I’m not and I don’t want anyone’s pity.

Anyway, for anyone who read this with an open mind, slow to judge, and with empathy, I TRULY appreciate you and thank you!

1 Heart
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Hey there, glad you are back, not under these circumstances of course, but it is nice to see old friends. First, I am sorry, it sucks and while I don’t know everything I know enough to say it sucks and that isn’t what I would wish for you. Second, I am here for you, we can’t fix it, but I am here. Huge hugs.

1 Heart
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Thank you. I appreciate the empathy! Honestly, I don’t think it will ever end. I’ve almost given up on any hopes or dreams even if they’re as tiny and as unremarkable as meeting one out of 8 billion.

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On the other hand, maybe there is someone out there that feels the same way. My cousin was unmarried for the longest time and then met someone amazing, they fit. I am not selling a romance novel, just sometimes it doesn’t work on our timeline. Hugs.

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Hei, I hope you are better today and I hope life will start to treat you better soon. I don’t have advices for you (or for me) but I feel I am stuck in the same place as you. I wasted years on my previous partner trying to be loved or to be the good wife, and the more you give the more they pull out. It was all wasted time from my side…now I think I should have just enjoyed my life, my nights out, any little things (like in mindfulness) and give up on all those crazy attempts to feel loved. Paradoxally, when I have lost my hope on that I have found hope in everything else. And from my new hope and independent attitude…you can’t imagine, you can’t perhaps believe it, but my life turned in to a dream. The only little cost was to drop THAT hope.

Sorry if it doesn t make sense or if it seems a cliché. I hope you will have a great day tomorrow.

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Thank you for the thoughtful reply! I understand completely. And I am very empathetic to what you went through. I just know that it’s a biological need to feel loved. I’m not looking to be what someone else wants or to please anyone else. I would just like to be liked mutually. Unfortunately, it rarely happens (as in MAYBE once every 5-10 years).

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I agree about the bioligical need. In the last period, I really felt “needy” and I wished I didn’t have these biological instincts (both emotional and fysical). I wished many times not to love anymore…q part from loving myself, of course.
About the thing of being your self, you are avsolutely right. The type of relationships when you ARE your truly self, in the end, are the only ones that hold and survive the test of time. A relationship where one of both partners pretend to be who they are not will end up in tragedy like a traincrash!!!
About this: if you pretend to be someone else when you date, your date might fall in love with that person you are pretending to be and it can cause a lot of resentment when he or she finds out that that person never exsisted. She was in love with a ghost…so, no thank you! Just let’s show our true colours and true personality always,both when dating and when socializing to meet new friends…

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Excellent advice, we have to be honest in life, not cruel, but truthful.

1 Heart