Scared

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
1

Hi, my name is Bri. I'm nineteen and I've been bulimic since my junior year of high school. My mom recently found some of my empty laxative boxes, and has been trying to get me to see a therapist, which I am scared to do.

My laxatives/throwing up/dieting habits are a source of personal security. Every time I go off laxatives for a few day, I gain a lot of water weight, and panic and starve myself or purge. I have, obviously, a huge fear of gaining weight. I hate my body and though my ED has been a major obstacle in my living and pursuing my goals unhindered, I can't make myself take the necessary steps.

I just want to know I'm not alone. The few friends I've spoken to at all about this try to understand, but they get annoyed and angry when I panic or have anxiety attacks about my weight. My ED is a major obstacle in pursuing my goals and living the way I want; but I'm terrified to take the necessary steps to overcome it.

Thanks for listening :)

2

Hey i know how you feel, i'm 20 and it took me 3 years to start to even reach out in anyway. iv had bulimia for 4 years, just this year started getting help. iv been in recovery for 4 weeks. it is really scary especially at first... but Bri, you know it is so worth it, and iv only jsut started a 6 month recovery called CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy... it has saved my life, and i actually enjoy it, i have so much more REAL control now and iv even lost weight. numbers on the scale or any numbers have ruled my life for such a long time...
i would love to encourage you to start taking baby steps even to get some help. its so worth it, will save your mind, your body from further harm, and especially your future which i am sure is so bright and exciting.
you are so brave! dont be afraid.
all the best, let us know how you go.
ps. may i just add that recovery doesnt necessesarily mean weight gain, not permanently... when you go off lax your body will put on water weight, and you will have to put up with that when u decide to go off forever, go off gradually.. but in the end your body will truly thank u.
Ash x

3

i really do hope you recover or want recovery- it is so much better whn you are recovered and EDs are dangerous, i know there is the whole immortality thing with EDs but you are not immortal and the body is fragile....

but welcome and i hope you seek help--but you have to WANT it.

love
maureen

4

Thank you, Ifihadwingz, and christa33. Your support means the world to me.

I do want to recover. I don't know the best way to go about it; I hate the idea of letting go of my "security blanket", and I am afraid I will gain weight. Would you recommend therapy? I'm not sure I can do that...but could you tell me more about CBT?

5

hey, i know its scary… weight gain is my biggest fear (along side dentists and deep water haha)… sometimes you have to face it to be able to some out the other ide… and possibly save your own life.
yeah therapy is helping me, it may help you too if its what you REALLY want, cus its a lot of work.
CBT, cognitive behavioral therapy is pretty much retraining urself to eat normally. i know it probably sounds scary, but it is done in small steps. 1st being just simply recording your eating habits (including b/p and lax use) without having to change any habits. 2nd step is implementing your own eating plan wat u feel comfortable eating and recording how you go. 3rd (where im just getting up to now), is learning how to intervene before and even during a b/p etc. and rediscovering who you are under that security blanket… there are about 5 or 6 steps, its all im up to.
theres a book on it, its a pretty good way to start esp if it scares the hell out of you (as did me!) to approach a mental health place… here is a link to it…
http://www.bookdepository.co.uk/book/9781849010757/Overcoming-Bulimia-Nervosa-and-Binge-Eating

there you can start by just reading it and seeing wat u feel like doing after.
let me know how you go…
remember you are so so so worth recovery… and you can totally do it.
xx

6

yes i understand the idea that an ED is a security blanket --but i tis more of a killer in disoguise, if you can imagine someone who you think is your best freidn but ends up killing you in the end--an enemy...

once you let go of that security blanket--the difference is like--WOW and your inner peace becomes your security blanket or hell, you can buy a blanket and let that be youir won security blanket....ha....hey whatever works, you can decorate it and do whatever you want...

weight gain---yes i know it sucks, for me i did get over that fear. the importance of body fat is actually very very real. i got devestatingly ill over the past 3 weeks, and couldnt eat, not cuz i ddint want to cuz i am recovered but because my stomach couldnt take it. quite confusing for a person recovering from an ED, but...

anyway, my body had no way of getting in nutrients, so i had to rely on the weight i had...and it helped that i had some for if i did not have any, i would have been worse. and when your health becomes compromised , let me tell you --that is a much much more horrible fear than any weight. really--when your body deteriorates, and you become so ill you cannot move, unbearable pain, suddenly weight aint even an issue and you just want to live, you know? so, contrary to the horrible veiw of soceity which is FALSE--wieght is soo important to have. it acts as a form of protection to your body... like---ammunition...against invaders...

my body actually kept up its weight during this hard time, and didnt even spike that low. so it does protect itslef as i kept mutrtion up with enusres--yeah, hella scary on that one, but i did it---for me. cause i am sick of the pain....

iv e been in recoery for a year now, and it has been fantastic, oh yeah there are ED thoughts but i see a therapsit for that. she is great.

i really strongly suggest therapy or at least a school counselor... ED specialists are the best--or treatment.... or support groups...

hope you get help, being thin so doesnt equal happy---it can equal misery

love
maureen

7

ifihadwingz- I will look up that book. That sounds extremely practical and I would hope that would be the kind of thing I could keep up with.

christa33- you are absolutely right. My mom has spent years encouraging my sisters and I (one of my sisters is a recovered anorexic) to value ourselves based on who we are, and that size & weight are just numbers. The older I get, and the more my ED has taken over, the less relevant that seems to me. I am consumed by the idea that my boyfriend will dump me if I get fat, and that my friends will think less of me. I know that shouldn't be important- I know that I shouldn't be around people who value me based on that. But it's there. I am coming to terms with the fact that I can't beat it on my own.

Thank you so much for sharing your story with me. It gives me so much hope. I hope your stomach gets better though-that sounds terrible. A couple years ago, when my obsessions first started, I got the worst stomach aches-so bad I couldn't walk. You'll be in my prayers.

After thinking about what you both said, I tried to tell my mom I want to try therapy, but I've built such a huge mental wall around the idea that the idea of "admitting defeat" that it makes me sick to even suggest it. If that makes sense. Joining this group is the first real positive step I've ever taken on my own. I do hope I can continue in the right direction.

8

Hi Bri,

I just want to congratulate you on just acknowledging that you have an ed. That is a huge step. Be proud of yourself for every step no matter how small. That is awesome that you are thinking about therapy. Therapy is very scary and uncomfortable at first. It is usually done in groups (group therapy). Everyone participating in the group has an ED. Not everyone had the same one but they are all going through the same things. It is not going to be easy but therapy has changed my life. I have tried to recover a few times because I too have a hard time giving up my security blanket but I know if I dont I will die. EDs are so dangerous and those of us who have suffered with them know that we have already given them so much of ourselves we cant give them our lives too. You can do and it seems like you have a good support with your mom. You are not alone and you do not have to go through this alone. There is a very good book by Jenni Schaefer called Life Without ED. It is very well written and gives some really good tips on helping youself begin to heal. Two things I realized when I began to recover for what I hope/know is the final time are 1) secrets keeps you sick: if you hide your ED from your loved ones it will hinder your recovery and 2) if you aren't ready for recovery you will not succeed. You need to want it like Maureen said. Im so glad you took the step to come on here and voice you feelings. Remember that it's ok. It's ok to be scared and it's ok to fall and pick yourself up as many times as you need. Try to separate yourself from your ed. When you start thinking that people won't like you because of your size, realize that that is your ed speaking. Also realize that your body image is distorted also thanks to your ed. I understand how much you hate your body because I hate mine just as much. It is such a hard thing to accept our bodies the way they were meant to be. Be proud of yourself for every step you take. Stay strong and keep sharing here. you are not alone,

Nicole :)

9

hope you do it, all the best :)