again, i find myself at this wailing wall. scraps of paper contain fragments of my disorganized life... scribble, scrunch, stuff...
i had a therapy visit today... and i'd sent some of my writing via email, per the therapist's request. the trade off is worth it; i am not responsible for the *topic* of conversation. she picks through my emailed ramblings and chooses where to begin.
i have not lied to her. i have not told everything. i have kept some pretty important details silently hidden from her. but i have not lied. i must be far more transparent that i could ever have thought, b/c today she jumped right into my *don't talk about it* land where she made all kinds of accusations, predicitions, and statements that were all in fact TRUE.
i'm not sure what to DO with all that. i am not happy at all that she knows one of my secrets...but in a fucked up sense, i am relieved.
as she was making an observation about me, she commented on its irony... she said *i think the eating disorder is bigger than you--it's apparent as you become smaller and smaller. how ironic.*
sigh. bruised and battered after being hit by the psycho-babble bus, i am tired, more confused, and lonely.
thank you for reading my scribbles on these crumpled scraps of paper.....
I am constantly amazed by my therapist's insights... ;0) Amazing that they can pick up on so much, when we have done our best to bury our "ugliness" from everyone, including ourselves... Yes, the ED's strength grows as we shrink... It IS ironic... And sad and scary and shocking and... Just too big for words. The good news (and yes, there is some,) is that this process CAN be reversed. ♥ My ED is growing weaker these days. And I am growing stronger. Poetic. ♥
Amy,
We are as "they" say, as sick as our secret. The light hurts at first, but it eventually reveals so much beauty. I honor the need for protection and slow unveiling of "everything". On your time and no one else, that's how this needs to be
Love,
Patsy
p.s. sometimes the light leaves me frozen like a sweet scared dear in the headlights, alas only sometimes.
I think that therapists are by nature, curious and insightful creatures. Almost like a gift. Or a curse - for us. lol
But either way, i think what we must keep in mind is that they want to help us. Nothing else. They just want to help us. No secret agenda or anything like that.
They more we share with them, the more they may be able to help. But, i like you choose not to discuss certain things. That is my prerogative and i accept the consequences. I still think i can work through the ed issues.
That the ed is bigger than some of us is a given since we have become so entangled in its messy web. No matter what weight we are. Sadly for some, it is more telling on the outside. Either way, it takes away our spirit and joie de vivre as the French would say.
For that, i curse it and call it out as the SoB it is.
Love and Hugs to you Amy. You really have come so far.
darlings jan, jen, patsy, and sreb---
thank you for your much needed support.
after i got my kids settled in bed, i began to read... barely made it until 9:30-- simply exhausted. had a great night's sleep- and am ready to move through today.
therapy is a process like none other. this experience is like NOTHING i've ever gone through. my therapist sugar-coats NOTHING. and just when i think she couldn't possibly hear me saying what i am *not saying*... just when i think she has too much of a case load to really *study* anything about me...just when i think that my tears will put an end to her blantant honesty- she surprises me by blurting out more painful truths. thankfully she is a doll; she is sarcastic; she is cynical- although the truth renders me stifled at first, her kindness, and honesty, and personality save her from my great anger and hatred.
deer in the headlights- exactly. stunned, shocked, devastated.
and *come so far*? wtf? i am a disaster. not only is therapy nothing like i thought it might be and more difficult than i want it to be, it's not progressing the way i thought it would. i thought by now i would have learned something- ANYTHING- to handle, or interrupt, or to move away from this ****. how is it that i am walking directly toward *help* and i'm unable to keep it together... unable to agree to try certain *steps*... sinking, drowning. this is NOT the way this is supposed to play out.....
take *psycho-babble bus* and RUN WITH IT! it's all yours, sreb!
thanks for reading my nonsensical, contradictory thinking, resulting from misfiring synapses.....
i challenge myself to... drink more water.
xoxo
I get it. trust me. the more help i get, the worse i get. i almost wish i had just stuck to my way sometimes. i hear sometimes it has to get worse before it yadda yadda yadda.
it's all bullshit i tell you.
But what other choice do we have?
when i say you have come far, think about where u were this time last year? willing to get help? share as much as you do with us or ur therapist? think of it in those terms.
go easy on urself. there are far too many people not batting in our corner for us to add ourselves to that list.
Amy, I wish I had more support to offer, unfortunately I'm basically at a loss of words and advice to offer anyone...even and especially myself. But please know that you are in my heart, my thoughts, and my prayers every single day. I am always encouraged by your writings and your honesty and it always brightens my day hearing from you. You are such a blessing and I thank God for putting you and everyone else in my life. Please hang in there and take care. Love you so much. *Kasee*
And I too, don't know what to say, except that I love each and every one of you and I am too tired now to do much of anything on here.... my workload is huge and I am on it 24/7; it should let up in a month or so; so please don't think I am not thinking of you Amy and Kasse and everyone else, I am! and you are all in my prayers.