I have severe body dismorphia. And that’s an understatement. I’ve had it since I was at least 5 years old and I’m now 36. It controls everything, but I’m also at a point where I don’t necessarily believe the dismorphia is distorting, I think I’m really a hideous monster, especially compared to those around me.
I’ve considered plastic surgery, I’ve considered not leaving my house, I’ve considered covering my face when I go out. I rarely take pictures anymore, and I’m involved in two contact sports where pictures are part of the deal, so I have to remind people to not tag me in photos or not post ones where I look bad…which is all of them.
It makes me so angry that I’m stuck with this face and this body. I work so hard to lose weight and I keep gaining. So far my doctor can’t find any explanation for the weight gain, even though I’m now almost 300 pounds. I’ve made and am sticking to dietary changes, workout changes, as mentioned above, I’m active in TWO sports, and the number on the scale and the measurements of my body just keep going up. So again, it no longer feels like dismorphia to me, it feels like the truth.
My jaw is crooked and it’s very obvious when I smile, so I try not to smile. Like I can’t think of a single thing about me that isn’t wrong. I’m on my 4th therapist in 4 years because the previous ones gave up or ghosted. Yes, I have been ghosted by a therapist.
My current one wants me to write a list of things I like about myself and I literally can’t do it. I don’t even have non-physical attributes that I like, because I’m not even good at anything.
It’s an exhausting existence, I have almost no friends, my boyfriend is sick of hearing about it, and I’m terrified my daughter is going to inherit it.
I don’t know what to do because it feels like I’d have to be a completely different person to beat this disorder.