ahhh im so sick going back and forth, back and forth. The last couple years I have been obsessed with food, dieting, losing weight, etc. Everything I do is surrounded by the thought of food. The next thing and time I am going to eat is constantly on my mind and I can't seem to get rid of these thoughts. (It also doesnt help that I work at two different restaurants-- my life is literally surrounded by food). I go to bed thinking about what I will have for breakfast and plan out my day of food from the moment I wake up. I make sure I will have something every 4-5 hours handy when im busy because my obsession with reading and learning about food has told me that is what your supposed to do. I have read it all and know exactly what is good and bad, and what you should eat to live a healthy lifestyle but it has no become an obsession. In no way am I over weight but yet it consumes my mind. I went through a period of crazy dieting and binging and have pretty much overcome the binging atleast. I try to forget about dieting but counting calories and depriving myself of unhealthy foods out of fear of gaining weight is still is a daily issue. I just wish I could forget about dieting and enjoy my food. I want to think about food only when I'm hungry or in need of it instead of every 10 minutes but this seems like an impossibility. Can anyone relate?
College....yes, I can relate...what you describe is the typical, yet horrible way that an eating disorder will kidnap your body and mind. I am now recovered, and do not experience any of this anymore, but it takes a lot of work to develop new ways of thinking and coping with the emotional stress in your life. I hope you will seem the counsel of a professional, and allow someone to help you develop some new plans for coping. You CAN do this! Thank you for sharing.....please keep us all up to date!
Jan ♥
I know it feels hopeless and impossible at times but you have to believe that you will find your light at the end of the tunnel. No one said recovery would be easy, we can all atest to that <3 hang in there.
college, i just joined this group (and site) 5 mins ago b/c my ED is out of control and making me miserable and i literally could have written what you wrote verbatim. janurse, i would LOVE to hear more from you and how you went about recovering?? i have struggled with some form of an ED since i was 13 and i'm now 40 and i'm tired of it ruling my life. i don't even know where to begin...
Hey! its so good to hear your not alone! :), janurse I would love to hear from you too and figure out waht worked for you to recover...PECsweets, I just joined last night as well, lets go through this struggle together!
Hi..it took a lot of different treatments to finally figure out what wasn't working. Everyone's journey is unique to them, but for me, the turning point was when I reached the point that I truly thought I was dying, and I knew I had to try one more time. The person who assessed me for treatment told me something that I had never been told before. He told me that recovery was possible. He told me that I might be
FEELING hopeless, but I was NOT hopeless. He gave me hope, something to truly fight for. Up to that time, no one had ever told me that I could recover. They had only kept me alive until I fell again.
I had given up on myself, but others did not give up on me. I had a great treatment team that would NOT let me give up, despite many times that I felt I could not go on.
I had to make some very difficult decisions. I divorced my husband of 30 years, moved 350 miles away from my family and where I had lived for my entire 45 years. I had to start over, in all ways. It was the most terrifying time of my life, but also the most exciting.
Full recovery required me to not give up, to always seek complete freedom, and not settle just because I was scared. I learned that life is worth fighting for, and I don't have to meet the expectations of anyone else, but I do deserve to seek what I want/need in my life. Recovery is a process, and it is not linear. A slip is not a relapse, and every moment is the opportunity for a new beginning. But recovery cannot be 'partial'. Eventually, symptoms cannot be an option.
Being fully free of the ED meant, for me, that I no longer allow my emotions to be entangled with my eating or how I feel about my body. I truly don't even think about it any more, and to me, that is a true miracle.
I believe that you CAN do this, and I hope you can believe that too!
I could go on for far longer than you would want me to. Please don't give up.....take care...Jan ♥
I can relate. I used to work in EDU and I know how it felt to be surrounded by food in the psychological sense, I don't know whether its better or worse to be surrounded by food in the physical sense. Before I started working there I am had food on my mind all the time. Whilst I worked there thinking about food was what I was paid to do. I had to eat full portions of food to set a good example, I had to calculate calories to supplement patients, I had to provide support during meal times. No one was there to support me! No surprises I struggled from the word go. From the moment they told me I would be required to eat full portions I knew I would. I did try, I really did. In a way I could relate to the girls, but this meant I wasn't saying things that other staff members necessary approved of. The control of what I wanted to eat was taken out of my control, there we only a meat and vege option at each meal, I was vege at the time. So I stopped eating. I ate my meals that I was forced to eat at work and that was it. Started exercising during my break. Eventually, started taking laxatives.
In the end the only choice i had was to get the heck out of there.
My only advice my love is to plan your meals well in advance. A week before is a good way to go. That halts the ruminations at night.
And as for the want of unhealthy food. I wanted this to. Then I realised its a bit like saying I would like to be able to smoke one cigarette every now and then. Why smoke at all? What value do we get from unhealthy food? there is no nutritional value whatsoever, so why bother? eat healthily, your heart will thank you for it.