I have come to realize that now even snacks are starting to freak me out. My fiancé told me to come and at least eat a snack at his work. So i did and immediately felt guilty and wanted to purge. I didn't though because, (1) i cut my mouth earlier from purging, and (2) I am playing ultimate frisbee tonight and that involves a lot of running and I don't want to pass out. I am already have slight chest pains.
I just don't get why a snack would make me feel all wigged out and make me want to purge.
I called a therapist today and she has to call me back with an appointment. I got into a fight with my fiancé and he said if I wanted to stay in a relationship with him I would get back into counseling. SO, after that ultimatum I made a call and I will just have to see her once every two weeks for now because I can't afford to seem a therapist and a dietitian every week.
that's at least something, sweety. i'm not saying i like it that your fiance set an ultimatum for you but right now it worked and i'm glad for that because it will YOU!
do you have any idea how you will deal with your ED thoughts and behaviour until then?
Maedi, I honestly am not doing well with the ED thoughts at the moment. Hoping to gain some control over them shortly. I know all the skills...I mean I did just spend the last year in treatment so I know plenty of skills...I just can't use them in the spur of the moment.
Gina, ED is sucking me back in really quickly. But now that Brandon knows I am struggling he didn't argue with me when I wanted a salad for dinner. I wasn't even hungry but I ate...then I got sick afterwards...like legitimately sick :/
We played Ultimate Frisbee tonight and we played 2 games and it is a game where it is usually 12 on 12 but we played 4 on 4 and ran the length of a football field back and forth for 2+ hours....SO I know I needed to eat something...but I hate that I ate then got sick...WTF. UGH
Ashley,
The best thing you can do for yourself is to get help NOW!
You are losing more of your life everyday to the ED, and I know that isn't what you ultimately want to happen!
Please continue to share, and take steps to help yourself!!
HUGS...Jan ♥
Did Counseling and treatment help you before? I am going next week for the first time to see a counselor. My husband thinks its a waste of time. I know what you mean about feeling so guilty about even a snack.
Counseling for sure gave me an outlet and someone to look out for me when I couldn't look out for myself. It isn't a waste of time if you really put forth an effort to do well and do the work your therapist asks you to do. It isn't a waste of time I promise.
Jan and Gina, I am looking for help before it gets like it used to be. I saw my dietitian today and I didn't lose since I last saw her...which I guess is good but to me it feels like I am failing. Like I can't even do my ED right. My best friend keeps telling me I don't need to lose and that I am jeopardizing all of my relationships but really all I am focused on is food and what I can lose.
Oh Ashley, I worry deeply about you...I really hope you can find treatment/help asap...I cant believe how quickly ED, that evil **** head, sucked you back in...be strong ♥