My life is in perpetual emotional turmoil. I am finding it very difficult to keep it together, and fighting to resist all urges to flee. The problem is we're so close to finally starting our life together. After 3 years of hell, 2 years of "homelessness", we finally are a month away from closing on the purchase of a beautiful home after my husband received VA benefits. Because of his severe PTSD, he has been unable to work, I have had a few jobs, but my husband's moods are very emotionally taxing, thus I had to quit my job, and devote myself to keeping the family together. So at the current time, we are living with my parents until we can move into our new home.
This is very stressful for my husband. He feels uncomfortable living with other people, and we have basically had to do so for the last two years because we have been struggling financially. Our relationship is strained. His and our 4 year old son's relationship is strained because he basically stepped back and allowed my parents and I to raise my son, but gets mad because we aren't doing it right. It's just been awful. I am so grateful for my parents willingness to let us stay in our time of need, especially with 3 dogs.
Because of my husband's stress from living with my parents, his moods are often unpredictable, and he tends to take things out on me. I get threats of divorce at least once a week. He blames me for everything, including us not having a home of our own. He's just really overwhelming and unbearable at time. It's just awful. I have found myself doubting our marriage a lot lately.
I am so tired of the foreboding feel of losing everything. I am never sure whether or not he is going to leave me. I have devoted the last 5 years of my life struggling to keep this family together, and sometimes I wonder what for? I am pretty sure I would be happier being a single mom on welfare than have to deal with the person I love threatening to take their love away constantly. It's just a double-edged blade. When we're in Washington (where we are moving to), my husband is a different person. He is kind, caring, and he and our son are best pals. We don't fight. It's almost like we're a normal family without the rage and screaming and outbursts.
He is miserable here and can't handle his stress. He doesn't want to stay in a hotel with 3 dogs, plus I don't know if they would allow 3 dogs even if they are companion animals. I don't know what to do. I don't know if he can change his attitude and suck it up for a month. It just seems ridiculous. I told him it was going to feel like the longest few months of his life, but then we would be able to finally attempt being a normal family. You know, repair our relationship, make up for all the things we have blamed each other for. Just love each other and live. All I know anymore is heartache and the sickness I get every time he threatens to leave. I love him, but sometimes I am afraid that even when we move, if he will eventually go back to the way he is here. If that's the case, I won't stay. I am sick of feeling that perpetual emotional turmoil.