Someone please give me advice

Mental Health Anxiety & Panic Disorders
1

So i'm tired of talking to psychiatrist & doctors because theyre either just in it for the money of they are scared to just hand out prescription drugs & I'm tired of it...I feel like I know what will help me, but they don't want to listen...they just wanna put it off on someone else to prescribe it...

I'm 20 yrs old &, I grew up in a small town in Alabama. My dad hurt me so much at a young age. I feel like I really never had a father.
I use to get beat with a leather belt like every week, but it really started with one incident...
At the age of 16, I use to be friends with a bisexual guy i went to school with. We were always strictly friends, nothing more, but he always made me laugh. Well, being the conservative, controlling parent he was, my dad forbid me to hang out or even talk to him. Well I refused & my dad snapped. He literally chased me down & threw me on the ground (keep in mind I was a 16 yr old girl maybe 130lbs vs a 53 yr old man 250 lbs). He repeatedly beat me in the head (probably so no one could see any evidence) until my little sister ran & got my mom. everyone was screaming & I was in shock. I didn't know what to do at that young age. I tried to call the cops, but my mom wouldnt let me because she didnt want her children taken away. They literally hid every phone from me... BTW I've seen him hit her also... but All I could think about is 2 more years & I'm out of this ****ing place. I've never been good enough for my dad or anyone else. & Ive tried to forgive him, but it hurts when you want to forgive but you can't, especially if they aren't going to change.

2. I had a boyfriend from dec 2006 to september 2009. We didnt trust each other the whole time we were together, so idk why we kept it going so long. Maybe because he was also controlling & thats all I knew...idk. He was my first....I did everything for him....bought him an $800 flatscreen, we collected over 150 movies. I was always the hardworking one who dideverything. I did start staying at his/parents house after I graduated bc technically I was still living at home because I was playing JUCO Volleyball on scholarship.I decided not to play volleyball the following year & we moved to florida together & i paid his rent bc he couldnt find a job....He never had money. While living in Florida, I found out he'd been talking to his ex (they broke up 3 yrs prior & she is married & has a kid). He swore on my life that he didnt talk to her after I confronted him & of course he lied. So after arguements, he told me that he thought "itd be best" if i moved back to bama....so I did the next day...**** him. After we broke up I found out he'd lied when he told me he was a virgin when we got together...I wasted so much time & money doing things for him & not myself....he also blocked my number & blocked me on facebook..which kinda hurts, even tho we have moved on....

3. Then I started dating a 28 yr old guy while I was 19...he was more of a security for me bc he owned his own business & had money...but the downside-he was an alcoholic. Which i didnt mind at the time because I loved to drink too...I tried adderall for the first time during this point too...which I didnt really like bc it made me feel like **** the next day. But anyways, one night we were all out at the bars & when we got back he passed out, but his 'friend' raped me....in front of another man & woman also having sex (the man was cheating on his wife---his wife was my boss). I filed a police report but they never called back, so I didnt take further action mainly bc I felt everything was my fault....& the man wouldve testified that my accusations were false because I told his wife what he did....they are divorced now...
Also during this time I was on lexapro & trazone...

4. THE next day, I moved about 30 more miles away from that town to focuse on school. My ex bf had a friend that I knew I could get weed from because I was so stressed out..he lived 100 miles away, but still drove to see me several times....A couple months later, I also got a precription of adderall (which has helped me tremendously with my depression & grades. I also picked up the habit of smoking cigarettes.....I stopped taking lexapro. I tried numerous drugs over the course of the next few months...oxycontin, roxycontin, loratabs, klonopin, xanax, extasy, cocaine, methadone, suboxin (& probly more I cant think of) on top of weed & adderall. I dont regret trying new things, but I recommend never trying something you dont know about or NEVER mixing drugs you're unaware of...& the thing that got me was oc...It was the most amazing feeling I could ever feel, it was my drug of choice, however it was expensive ranging anywhere from $40-$100/80mg pill (street value)...I haven't done it in a while tho...I don't believe I was addicted to it, but I loved the feeling bc it made me forget about all my problems.& I hate it now bc I always think about it...
Anyways, the guy that came to see me is now my boyfriend of 10 months. He's the best thing thats ever happened to me, aside from exposing me to drugs. but I dont think he really wanted to. We lived together (or i stay with him in a very nice place near an awesome college). I play volleyball, I'm a waitress, I go to school 5 days a week...It's just so stressful. So now I'm prescribed klonopins 0.5mg & I tried to go to the doctor yesterday to get him to up my dosage, but all he did was give me twice of what I had...& referred me to a psychiatrist. I know that 2mg klonopins will help my stress go away, but since Ive had history of depression they wanna put me on some kind of ssri anti-depressant/anxiety, but that **** doesnt help me. i dont care if its less addicting, you HAVE to take it everyday & the seretonin inhibitors just make me feel weird....Ive never told any doctor about my past with drugs just because I dont think theyd prescribe me anything. but I truly need it. I just feel like giving up on life sometimes...or school even tho i'm getting it for free, but I do have to wake up @4am everyday for practice which has taken a toll on my body, habits, school, & work...I feel strapped down. & like I'm not going anywhere. I just wish I had a break, a doctor or friend who understands me, or just a little encouragement. I haven't seen my family in about 3 months. i dont even know them, but everytime i go home it makes me want to do hard drugs to get all the stress away...I just want to be happy & I feel like the only thing that controls my axiety & depression is about 2mg of klonopin & 20-30mg of adderall daily

I'm sorry so long, I had to let this out to someone...

2

giraffe2424 - i cannot even imagine what you went through and i am sorry for all that. it does seem like you are in a better place right now. i think you need to keep talking to a therapist and also you need to tell them everything to get better and be very open. i am worried that you are relying on drugs to keep going. please keep going to therapy to work through everything because drugs may help but in the long run they are not the answer. stay strong, you are a strong person and survivor and will get through all this.

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Thanks

4

Hello..

I also stuggle with a lot of the same things that you have went through...my father was very abusive and my mother was an alcoholic. they use to beat the **** out of each other and my father use to beat my brother and i.
I am almost 27 years old and i am married to a much older man. not because of his money though...=)
i moved in with my high school sweetheart and for four years he cheated and hurt me. I tried to run away i moved from ohio to georgia and then back again.
I am on one medication and it does help me when i have bad days. I only take it when i feel i really need it.
I just want to let you know your not alone and i feel the same pain you feel everyday. i am really trying hard to overcome my past and enjoy the life i have made for myself. its a hard road and im trying. We can try together. and im a stanger but i will listen if you ever need to talk, no co-pays either!

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thats hard, im sorry for all of that. but you prob dont want sympathy. i sort of know how that is. the fear anyways. my parents split up whhen i was likke 8 and my mom met this new guy. well hes a super acholic and still is. im 16 now, my dad, brother and the rest of my family that my dad had made with my step mom is where i shouldve gone. but instead i stayed wit my mom, who stays wit a abusive man and thinks he does no wrong.

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You sound like a really decent person- it may help if you realize this is also physical and you have to detox to get it out of your system. Naturopathy and cranial-sacrial- only a few sessions with lots of cleaning out of food toxins, but others I hear are doing ibogaine detox- like in the video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=syztZcpj69U&feature=player_embedded
You have to realize you are already doing all you can- even the misery and abuse- get it out of your body- for me the muscle memories kept me in it and I had to get rid of them through a detox process- hope you can too!

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I am new to this site but I am glad I found it because for so long I literally believed I was losing my mind. I am better but still going thru withdrawal of klonopin. I can understand the mental and physical pain you are experiencing and how long it took to get to where are at now. Only after removing myself from everyone and everything for a 45 day inpt stay did I realize how bad I was. I have worked in the behavioral health and medical field for alomost 20 years and I knew the dangers of meds, but I blindly allowed myself to be led by my Dr. who kept increasing my klonopin over 2 years to the point I was taking 1 mg 4x a day. I come from a very heavily-addicted family, but I had never experienced it myself. After several years of what I call " a series of unfortunate events" involving my family, I finally hit my wall when my father passed away suddenly and I was devastated. He was the only other sane person in my family and I started having panic attacks and severe depression and had to take a leave of my career, of which I am still on, after working my entire life. When I was so sick from all the s/e of all the meds and lost 20 pounds, and was suicidal I decided to get help, for me, my husband and myu 3 girls. I did not realize how much klonopin I was taking until I started going off. I went off too fast because I was pushing it-the Dr's and staff were trying to explain that I could have a seizure going off to fast but I was determined and I suffered for it. I started having excruciating headaches, incresaed heart rate, double vision,shaking, night sweats, fevers. I wanted to die. If it wasn't for the wonderful staff that held me as I screamed, cried, cared enough to tell me I was worth it, I do not know how I could have survived. BUT, I did it too fast and I learned that I could have easily seizured at any time. My psychiatrist here had to put me back on .5mg 2x a day in Oct and every 6-8 weeks I go down .25. I am now on .5 at night but I still have withdrawal s/s, just not as severe. After research, I found out that it should have taken me over a year to go down, but I was too stubborn. I lost a lot of faith in Dr's but at the same time I tell myself I made the choice to take the med. I am alive and have good days and bad ones, but I know that I will never go thru what I did ever again. I never took more than prescribed but that absolutely means nothing. For anyone who reads this-do not give up. It does get better. There are dr's out there that do care, just don't allow yourself to be unaware of your own body. And, thanks for being here. I hope I can help if I can and I know that I will get some great support.

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Your loss is horrible and you are clearly very courageous! It is naturally to try to get rid of the pain- we all need to but if we are lucky we can do it in a healthy way. It’s hard for the doctors too as it takes a “village” not one person no matter their expertise. As a psychologist I know that not even cognitive/behavioural programs are enough, physical/medical are not enough- but we need both of these and more.

You are right it does get better, fight every day, every day, wait it out and you will see but to make it better, look for a detox first or as well.

You have a lot of support=)

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Dear Rose1030,

I just want you to know that your post helped someone tonight. I too was unaware that it should have taken me a year to come off the Xanax.
I am in my fifth day of insomnia and nerves and depression and PTSD after a domestic battery, suffering some very horrible withdrawals I didn't expect.
I see a shrink tomorrow but like you I don't have much faith in doctors, my primary had put me on them and increased and I've been taking them for twenty years.
I am drinking what I can to try and prevent seizures and get some sleep but it does not effect me in the least and i can hardly get it down my gullet.
I am a caregiver so treatment is out of the question, and I feel responsible for putting myself in this predicament by losing my job due to a dysfunctional relationship etc.
I am going to do this on my own, however I couldn't stand it and am supposesd to see a shrink tomorrow.
I am hoping he will manage my withdrawaal so that I have a chance at normal life again.
the vomiting has stopped yet i suspect that the worse is not over.
Thanks for posting, people do read posts.

I am new here too and don't know the basics of the board but if you can try and email me I sure could use some support.
Debbie

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Please, please don’t give up on treatment- detox needs to happen, find help for your kids, maybe the clinic can do something. Call the ibogaineclinic and I will also look for places that help your recover and help care for the children- there has to be. We as mothers are the ones who can change this!! Yes we need the shrinks, we need the medication for PTSD and depression but natural detox is where I and my son started a good recovery. We are two years post detox but we are improving every day and my kids are happy now and I am getting there too. I will get back to you with information!

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I am so gald you are reaching out. It is the hardest thing you will ever do and you can do it. PLEASE be honest with your psychiatrist-I was not at first because I thought I could handle everything. Coming off everything does not mean that there aren't any other medications they can give you that are helpful in titrating you off the really awful ones. I learned the hard way. You say you are a cagegiver and treatment is out of the question-how so? I, too, did not think I could leave but for me it was a place for anxiety/depression that was a 45 day program-not a "detox" place but that is just where I happened to be. I hope you have some support for this because it is hard, but just remember you are worth it and it took a long time to get where you are and it will take time to get better, too. I received a "message" on my email account that you left a post, that is how I knew. Take care and let me know how you are.

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Yes let's support her- lets pull together as mothers in recovery or mothers of children who need recovery!

13

I am so sorry that your life has been so horrible. Every child deserves love. You sound like you are strong and courageous. Focus on loving yourself first. If you do not love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you?

Remember that you are a child of God. You have a God given right to love, dignity, and respect. I do not mean to sound preachy, but I have found that my faith in God has pulled me thru many of life's difficulties. I know that I need to have a better relationship with God in order to have a better life. I'm working now to improve my relationship with God. Please find a friend or acquaintance who has a good relationship with God and talk to them. College campuses frequently have church groups that are small and more intimate. Try your best to develop a relationship with God. It will help you discover that you are a creation of God and there is more to you than you give yourself credit for.

Good Luck and God Bless!!

14

Giraffe, I'm way late in this post but I'll advise anyway, your in a very bad mind set & as Victoria mentioned need to seek or stay in therapy so they can guide you through the wreckage of your past history (the way you were raised) so you will stop medicating the issues & learn new coping skills/behavior modifications to help ease your pain & stop the endless cycle your continuing to do. You have alot to learn about your self destruction & the reasons for it. We're here to talk with when you feel like it even if you havent been back for a while.

All my strengths.

April

15

Giffaffe, let us know how you are doing!
April-what you say about the "wreckage", what a great way to describe it! We end up drive to wreck our lives, and so much around us and worse sometimes make other people's lives into a wreck. I ended up doing that to my sister even though she was trying to help me. I don't know how I can make it up to her.
We get so propelled to wreck and wreck, but I have to tell you insight therapy and behaviour mod, yes help a little but there are so many times when I am not even aware of it and not motivated to it either. The answer for this was getting at the trauma part of it.

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I feel for you and understand your frustration. We are here if you need us.

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Hey Fran, yes therapy/counseling doesnt always assist w/the issues that have been created & it does take awareness of what one has created to start the process of stopping it piece by piece. Start w/the small things that your aware of in treating others (your sister) & treat them w/love & kindness do it daily, it takes practise to undo what has been previously done/taught directly/indirectly so there can be better relationships for all surrounding us.

Take care of you.

April