Sooooo tiiiirrred of being sick and tied

Addiction & Recovery Substance Abuse
1

ok, ill start like everyone else. ha ha. im new here and it seems i found the right support site. it seems like everyone here posts regularly unlike other sites where they post once a month. anyway, im an addict and my drug of choice was/ is opiates. unfortunately, i got addicted to the needle also but that love affair started almost 15 yrs ago when i was into meth for awhile. thats another story for another time. i started shooting up oxys, dilaudids, morphines of any kind, fentanyl patches and heroin here and there. like most who try opiates for the first time, it was love at first feeling of overwhelming warmth you can only get from opiates. ive never eaten a pill so i dont know what that feels like. ill try to refraine from talking too much about injecting cuz i dont want to offend anyone. anyway, that love only lasted for a year until she started to bit me when i didnt have her. refering to withdrawls which we all loove so much. from then on, it was a hate, hate relationship. but i had to have to to function. if i didnt, i was useless, in the entire meaning of that word, absolutely useless. so i was caught in the horrible cylce. id work harder so i could make more money so i could do more pills so i could work harder so i could make more money so i could do more pills....you guys get the picture. anyway, that cycle got me spending up to and sometimes over $3000/month, just on pills. ive been abusing opiates since i was 27 and i just turned 36. but i put the kickstand down on that cycle this past jan3. that was my last time i used cuz on jan4, i enrolled myself into an intensive outpatient treatment program and got on suboxone. i tried the same treatment center 4 yrs ago. back then, i only had my mind into quitting to where this time, my mind AND my heart is into it. the last time, i had to be poked and proded to say anything in but this time, i have to remind myself that theres other people who need to share also. oops! if anyone is wondering, no, idont have any legal problem, no one gave me the "you better quit or else..." speach. my reason was i think i had what alcoholics(which i am also)call a moment of clarity. mine came when i was living in a friends entryway (cuz i choosed pills over house payments) laying in bed, going thru w/d's, looking at the ceiling and "what the f**k have i done to myself?!?". wasnt a firm believer in God but i think he believed in me cuz i could of swore someone smacked the back of my head. that was sometime at the end of nov. so i had to put up with the "game" thru dec. till there was an opening at the treatment center where im at now.

beings this groups about prescription pills, i didnt want to go too deep into my addiction history but ill keep it short. first drink age 10, first joint age 12, first time shot up speed/meth age 21 till 23 and quit, shot up first opiate at 27 till this past jan3rd.

i didnt want to shock or offened anyone with my past, i just wanted you to kinda see how severe my addiction to drugs/alcohol is/was. so since ive been in treatment, ive been clean for 26 days, the longest stretch in my whole life. im not downplaying anyones addictions by any means but for me, this is HUUUGE!! even bigger than when ross and rachel got together on "friends"!! ha ha!! as you can see, i kinda have a sense of humor despite what ive been through and still going thru. i thought id put this all out there about me so you kind people know a bit more about me so i can get some good support. and i know support goes both ways so if theres anyway i can help someone else out with suggestions or advice, im here. and as you can see, im pretty much open about everything so if anyone has any questions, please feel free to ask.

again, im glad i found this site.

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You did not offend, the more info the better. I think while you were in bed that day you had a break through, they often come when what you have wanted to do comes to the center while your are under great duress. I can't imagine spending all that money on pills, you must have been really in need. I feel that as long as you are putting every posotive effort in motion you will be ok. It will haunt you and you will feel that you need it but what you have to look forward to in the long run is so much more. I guess after doing it for so long it was kind of like some one turned off the lights and you finally got them on again. I really do hope you continue with treatment and do better for yourself. You can do great things.

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hopeful- you sound like a great person. You might have many issues with drugs, but jsut from reading your post you seem to have a great personality. You know how to have a since of humor. And you know I am not religious, but that smack on the head is your gardian trying to tell you enough is enough. Don't throw the rest of your life away. I am very proud you got the message and went to a place that is helping you with staying away from the stuff. hold on to those 26 days and be proud of every one. Know it is with your past going to be very hard, stay open with us and when you feel like you need it remember the days you have gone with out. Also keep in mind it is hard to stay on track, but each and every time you give up and give in, it comes more natural the next time around to give up tell before you know it you are giving in to the drugs again with out even blinking. So never give up even if you mess up, it is jsut that a slip up. You won't but if you fall off the wagon well hell its a wagon can't be going to fast so run and jump back on asap. But remember like I said IF you mess up!!
And a since of humor is good even if it helps you deal with daily challenges. It will I think just aide you in the challenge ahead.
You said ask so here it is. I read your post but how long since 27yrs have you done opiates tell today? Also being 10 and drinking for the first time if you remember how did you get a hold of it and do you rmeember what made yo try it back then? Also with the help you are getting and then this site is great but do you either have friends or family for support and do you see a therapist at all?
Great to see you here and keep posting it is good for you and all of us.

K9

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Hi hopeful this time, Welcome to SupportGroups.com. That is great that you are in treatment. Are you also doing any meetings like AA/NA? I do hope you will keep coming and sharing your progress with us. Remember to take it one day at a time. Just for today - don't drink or use. Keep coming back and letting us know how you are doing. We are here for you. ((((hugs))))

5

k9,
i thank you and everyone else for responding. but to answer you questions, when i was 10, i was out hunting with my stepdad and uncle so of course i had to be one of the men. where i live, thats just what some families do when the men take thier boys out hunting the first time.

as for the pills, i was doing them from the age of 27 till jan 3rd of this year. that was the last day i shot up any pills, it was on a sunday cuz the next day, monday, i was put on suboxone and a week later i started treatment. the type of treatment im in, im in a group with other people for 6 hrs/day seeing 3 different type of counselors thruout the day. plus i go to AA and NA meetings during the week. not this past week but the week before, i hit 7 meetings. on the weekends, im able to hit two a day or more if i wanted to but i dont want to go overboard with my recovery. meaning that i dont want to define myself by how many meetings i can squeeze in a week. i want to take it as it comes. i know as an addict that the best time for me to go is when i DONT feel i need to go. i hope that make sence. i havent hit any meetings this week though plus i missed most of this past week of treatment cuz ive got bronchitits. dont need to get anyone else sick.

as for friends and family, i gave up all my "friends". the only type of people i was around was other addicts like myself. at one time or another, we all tried to quit but because we still hung around each other, we ended up getting pulled back into the game. so i had to give them all up. and if they cant understand, they werent my real friends to begin with. although, i did have one of my old using friends call me up. we've been friends for 25 yrs but he called me up and asked me to take him to a meeting! needless to say, i was impressed. that was 1 1/2 wks ago and hes still clean! not gonna put too much trust in him yet though. just gonna take it as it comes. my family on the other hand is a whole nother beast. most of my family around where i lived asked how long is it gonna last this time? yeeah, i dont talk them family members anymore. for now anyway. my mom actually asked why waste the money? nice, huh? but then again pretty much my whole familys been on one substance or another during thier lives. most of them are sober but never got help to learn how to live sober. i dont worry about them, i cant. i know it sounds cold but i dont ever want to be dragged down again, by anyone. it is kinda lonely but this way i can concentrate on what i need to do without distractions. thats just me as everyones recovery is different.

but seriously, thank you guys for the feedback. it means alot to me. i sincerely hope im able to repay the kindness.

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sounds like a hard childhood. How are you doing so far are you staying strong and still working on it. I can not beleive your family is not supportive. It is a hard road to do what you are looking to do and to do it with out support jsut makes it harder. And yes that is sad. When you are a user you will go back to the thing that makes you feel good from time to time as long as you are always still trying to fight that is what matters. They should not help you in any way with any of your addictions, but if you are looking to get better they should not make you feel like you will fail even before you start. And it is important to focus on you you will need all it takes to fight the urges. Hope all is going well and know we are here to listen to you if you need to vent or need to have some one just hear you.
Take care and good luck want to hear an update on how things are going good or bad.
K9