Still Healing

I was in a long distance relationship for a year. It was such a comfort for me, and talking to her always made my in person hardships feel small. We’re currently on no contact, but I miss her so much. I know I’ll always love her, both as a partner and a friend. Tomorrow will officially be a month since we broke up, and I still haven’t moved on.
I’ve been thinking about throwing myself into physical relations with others to find out if it may help, but the very thought of entertaining another person feels wrong, even if my ex and I never got to touch each other. So far, I have amounted to smoking (weed and vape pens), and the occasional alcohol if I get my hands on it. But these days it’s getting way worse, and I keep going down spirals of sadness. I can’t sleep until around 3 am, and I barely do anything now.

I used to be more active on socials, and enjoyed more things such as drawing, or playing games. But I did all those things with her, so all it does is make me think of her. I feel alone, even though my friends say they’re there for me. But they have their own set of people they talk to, as well as their own relationships. I’m lonely without her, I can’t wait til we’re friends again. But is that really okay? Will she still want to talk to me knowing that I still love her? I don’t want to make her uncomfortable. I wish I could move on so I don’t burden her, but also so that I can feel alive again. But she was the one who made me feel that way, and i’m not so sure I can do that without her.

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