It has now been roughly 6 weeks Ive been out of out-patient treatment.I have been trying my best to stick with my meal plan and use the tools learned in treatment.I am surprised with myself for sticking to the meal plan thus far.It has been more mechanical for me.Im kind of in a spot where I can't say I love the food ..Ive been noticing also that when its time for my meals Im not really feeling hungry.
I am not happy with the change in my body after weight gain ..which is causing me to have strong urges to exercise and use my elliptical again.
I was told by a friend that hasn't seen me since a year ago that I look awesome..somehow I don't see that.I do agree I look healthier.I wasn't sure how to react to her comment ..I just know the voice in my head was saying that she is just saying that and shes not being truthful.I don't think I look awesome.
I honestly have been haveing thoughts to want to lose weight..I want to lose weight and be in shape because I feel so out of shape.I don't always know what Im hungry for and if Im following the plan exact.its suppose to be for lunch 3 protein 2 starch and dinner 2 protein and 1 starch..I think I got that right.I have had no follow up since Ive been out of treatment.
I have applied for part time work and I clean also with a friend ..when I worked before it was a place where it was very easy for me to restrict more.Thats how it has always been in the past.
I don't seem to have energy but it may be from the many nights where I am up till 1-2 am because I never get any time to myself ..my kids are around me all the time.I have many memories that come to mind of the abuse emotional and sexual.
Im feeling alone and the urges are getting stonger.
Today I feel DISGUSTED with my body..I don't think my image is distorted my urges are so strong Im wanting to act upon them.I just have no energy ..I feel tired and sluggish today.Even though I want to act upon them I will do my best not to.
Grace,
Recovery is hard... And even when people make comments that are meant to be complimentary, it can stir up that ED voice... Last week a teacher from my old team that was constantly on my case about being too thin and needing to see a counselor, told me that I'm so thin! (She said it like it was a great compliment, though she herself corrected another teacher that complimented me when I was smaller...) It's all so confusing... I was probably rude, but I didn't know WHAT to say, so I ignored the comment. This teacher is always down on herself for being too big, and it's very triggering... :P I guess, the important thing is to continue following all of your treatment team's suggestions, and know that THEY have your best interests in mind. You need time to practice and cement the new rules and thinking you're doing... And you really can't do it alone... I know you WANT to... I do, too! I can NOT afford the treatment I'm receiving... But... I want to recover. I can deal with the debt. :P Don't rush your recovery, Grace... You haven't been out of treatment for very long... I've been weight-restored since Spring, and I still struggle... It takes time, and it never follows OUR schedule. ;0) Weren't you told to look into follow-up care? ♥
Thinking of you, dear friend...
Love,
Jen
I totally can relate even though its all just the opposite for me.. instead of the being too thin, i am too big.. I recently had the gastric bypass and well, its working, but what i'm afraid of is that i might go overboard with it.. Anyway, i just wanted to offer my support in ur struggle and let you know that i am new, but i am here for anyone to chat with. Good luck
Songbird,
Welcome to Support Groups… 
I can understand your relief at losing some weight, but also your fear of losing control… I went from chronic binge eating to anorexia… Extremes, eh? ;0) It can happen. Easily… Unless you have dealt with the underlying emotions that caused you to gain weight to begin with, I’m worried you may see them come out in another form… It’s very common, but it does NOT have to be your fate… Have you considered counseling? I resisted for years, but I’ve been in therapy for a year now, and I will never regret that decision.
Wishing you peace,
Jen
Jen
yes I was supposed to look into follow up care..I haven't yet.I guess Im holding back I don't know.maybe Im testing myself..maybe I don't really think my Ed was that serious...maybe Im mad at myself for letting my body change like this and wanting to control everything again.I don't know..I don't know I m confused I guess.
Im a very short person Im only 5 ft tall and little bit of weight added to my body I see and feel.
Body checking is something Im obsessed with...the thoughts in my mind I can't share here because they would be triggering ..but I do and don't want to act upon them at the same time.I won't ..I haven't Ive just added my exercise back in.I hate feeling this way and guess Im feeling trapped in this body and I want to change it.
I was supposed to see a dr an hour away but had to change my appointment ..he was on holidays and his fillin secretary took my number and said she would call me back to set up a new appointment but I haven't heard from her.I will possibly be working soon and then it will get difficult to fit in appointments.Does it sound like Im trying to make excuses?(sigh)
Ive allready been in tears today with how Im feeling about my body.
LOVE
Grace,
Get help, and get it NOW! ♥ Sorry to be blunt, but this is NOT the time to test yourself!!! Call that doctor back first thing in the morning, and BE HONEST! I understand the urges you're feeling, honey... I KNOW you don't want to go back to the ED... But I also know you COULD, even if you don't want to... Fight this, Grace! You've got to fight it for YOU and your children... You've come SOOOO far! Don't go back now! :0/
You CAN do this, friend! Monday will be here soon, and then you can call... And yes, it's harder to do while working, but it's still possible. ♥ This is a sacrafice you just have to make. Your life is more important than the temporary stress...
Love you!
Jen
Grace...you absolutely owe it to yourself to get into that follow-up care, and do it now! The first year of recovery, after you get out of intensive treatment, is the time you are most vulnerable. It's critical that you continue with professional help to deal with all of the pieces of the disorder and the issues that go into it.
I agree, don't test yourself! A small 'test' can turn into a spiral downward, and you can't afford that. Losing a few pounds could prevent you from recovering. You have done such hard work and made some very difficult, but important decisions about your life, but that doesn't ensure your recovery. Please see a therapist right away, or call the hospital where you went for treatment, and see if you can talk to the person who was your therapist there.
You deserve to follow through with this and claim your freedom!! Go for it dear friend!! HUGS....Jan ♥
Grace...any chance you can move that appointment up..sooner?
I know you are going through a lot, and there are many 'loose ends' to tie up, so to speak.
We are here for you! Please keep writing, and keep your meal plan as an anchor, your priority! Losing weight could lead you back down very fast. If not in weight, in your ability to break free from the ED thinking.
Thinking of you today....HUGS..Jan ♥
Jan
No I don't think I can move the appointment.I don't want to fall back but I don't want to be misserable either.I have so far followed my MP as close as I can.Ive just added in my exercise and the only thing I plan to drop from my MP is dessert at dinner....Maybe!I know I don't drink enough fluids and I am going to try and drink more water...which is really hard for me.These are all just small things..I will be careful..I know I need to be..
and How do you break away from the ED thinking anyway?....
Grace..PLEASE don't make any changes in your meal plan, even small ones, unless it is suggested or agreed upon with your therapist or dietitian!! PLEASE! These small changes are what can take you right back to the horrors of the ED very quickly!
Drinking more fluid will help with your degestion and the feelings of bloatedness...your system needs the water to flush itself out.
The ED thinking...you can't really 'break' away, but you can move away from it...it takes time, and consistent nutrition before your thinking will change.
Even a few pounds or a few hundred calories too little can make all the difference in the world in terms of being free from this! Don't give up Grace! You have worked hard....take care..Jan ♥
grace honey...
what are your follow-up treatment options? i understand that you don't want to change your counseling appointment... AND that you have a LOT going on. but honey, you need a follow-up life line! is there a group or a meeting or perhaps additional counseling sessions that you could look into?
sweetie, you truly need something other than an eating disorder to combat all that is whirling around you. if you do not reach out for that life line, i sense that the eating disorder will slip right in and take care of everything [so to speak]. it's on its way already...
keep it at bay, grace. stick to the mp. stay away from the elliptical.
and just as we compare ourselves to those that are smaller... there are those that are bigger. your size is just right... you are so much MORE than your size... every time your size stabs at you, take a deep breath...and thank mother earth for the nourishment of your mp and be thankful for all the nourishment GIVES to you.
plus, you NEEEEED nourishment to not only get past this eating disordered thinking but also to get through all this with your to-be ex-hub. eat, breathe, and think of all of your possibilities...and whenever you feel the need to jump on that elliptical, perhaps you could read a book. it's a great distraction....
hang in there honey. this sucks for you.
love
xoxo
Thanks Amy Jen and Jan
I am so very thankful for you all after a stressful day I am back on track with the MP.And I will call my nurtitionist tomorrow.Im thankful to have this place to keep me on track.love you all.
Ditto, friend. ♥ Love and hugs to you!!
Jen
love to you, and make sure yo get a good follow up plan after the outpatient treatment--ED IS SNEAKY and can crawl up on top of you with out you really knowing it!
love
maureen