I was asked by my work to take the week off - without pay.
I'm screwing up everything left, right and centre. It's affecting my staff, my profitability, my ability to physically do my job and the bottom line of the company I am associated with.
This week off was supposed to be to help me relax, de-stress and rejuvinate my mind so its fresh and ready to go when I assume work come this Monday. My immediate boss is aware of my ED but no one above her or any of my staff/co-workers are aware; they just think im going to have a mental break down soon, hence the time off.
Since Ive been off this past Saturday, i've binged, purged, starved, over exercised and been very depressed and upset. I also went on the scale. A pound, I gained a friggin pound. How is that even possible?
I am on wait lists for inpatient care at 3 different facilities, recently was perscribed anti-depressents and sleeping pills to help me rest at night.
I know logic and when ED is taking over, I'm currently on a 'lunch' break from an all day appointment, where I am chosing not to eat, rather drink an extra large cup of green tea and log onto my lap top and write here. ED is ruining my life and every relationship in it. I hate him and want nothing more then to file for a divorce from him. He just wont let me.
ED is truly an abusive partner who has a hold of his victim and wont let her go. I hate him with all my heart but feat i dont have the strength to ever leave him.
i think it may do some good to take time off--but do you have help/ a therapist now???? or any type of support? i dont know if it will help if you have time off and deep into ED , i think you really need to seek out a person who specializes in EDs. then you will see a change. i dont think many of us can fight this alone... i did it on my own, but it was haaaard and much much much easier with therapy --to find out the reasons why i have EDs. sometimes we are not conscious as to WHY. we think we have this fear of FAT and it is wrong. it is something else we fear... something lingering deep inside we dont know about... anorexia/EDS / bulimia dont really have to do with food and weight but something else...
as far as the weight gain goes--it probably isnt even weight. it could be fluid, muscle anything--which is why i never ever trust scales and never ever weight myself --ever ever... but EDs can make us gain weight for the sheer fact that our body is starving and we are killing--killing our thyriod/ metabolism...
i hope you get into the treamtment program sooon. i do... and yes ED is like an abusive boyfriend you cant get rid of or are attached ot--but you can --CAN get rid of HIM/HER!!! there are many women free of their abusive husbands/boyfriends...and many many women free of ED! i am one of them---ok i have my lapses --but im doing well overall...
Maureen,
I attend an ED group therapy session once per week. That is the extent of the help I'm getting. I see my family dr several times a week as he monitors my heart, weight, emotional well being. I desperately need more help. I'm on the lists, beyond that there's nothing to do but wait.
As for the time off, I agree but had no choice. I can't lose my career over this monster.
I'm not sure the diff between the two? We meet once a week and are given a work book with home work that's expected to (completed by the next week. We watch videos and discuss our answers from the previous week. Next week a dietican is comming.
Lilac, I lost everything I had 4 different times and had to live in the street because of no family and not capable of making friends. I was a Histology Tech Hospital Lab for a long time trying to study for my Histologist Degree. I didn't have a mind left to even study, but I was flawless on my job. I was one of the best Histology Tech's the Hospital had ever had. I worked at several Hospitals in my career. And I lost it all. I lost the love of my career. I kept having nervous breakdowns. One nervous breakdown was on my job. I lost my only friend which was my horse. I still miss him. I lost all I owned 4 different times and had to live in the streets.
Back when I had my career, my mind was not yet capable of getting to the deep bitter root reasons of why I had ED until 15 years later after losing everything. Without those deep bitter root reasons, Ed can't go away because you have to know WHY you do it for it to leave. My life is lost but I do have God in it My career can be no more. And I'll never have my horse back.
I'm telling you all this for you to prepare yourself that the WORSE can happen, and to give you an idea of what the worst is. And I was getting help periodically, but would always have to back out because getting help was so intense I was functioning worse "with" the help. In between time of the 30+ years of being medically untreatable, I wasn't safe out here in the world from men, and I kept getting raped. Causing ED to worsen and worsen and less functioning.
You never know what is going to happen in your life. Be prepared ED breakdowns are gonna happen. They could be small, they could be big, or both. You may be hitting one now. Just let it happen. Let it run it's course and work with it the best you can.
Think long and hard of what I've told you. Hopefully you can use it to lift yourself higher with the determination of going the extra mile to get yourself well. Don't give up. It gets better.
I may not have anything, not even furniture, no family, no friends, not able yet to associate with people face to face, but my ED is so much better than it ever has been.
I think this week off can go either way. If you sink into your depression and ED symptoms, it could hurt you... Time off in and of itself is not necessarily a good thing. I think it all depends on how we use the time. I really think you need more help with your ED, and I know you're working on that. :) Do you have a plan for this time? Can you see your therapist? Are there any support groups around? How might you keep yourself safe? Sometimes having a routine can really help. :)
Hey Lilac,
Your words sit with me so much as i know exactly how you are feeling. Jen could be on to something...do you have a plan?
I know you've applied to get into the inhouse places which is so wonderful, but a short term plan to keep you going for now. Like even a daily schedule...like go to work...and what you've to do in work, I understand what a huge distraction an ED can be so just try and keep a notebook of things to do at work so you won't forget them, you are under a lot of stress hun.
Writting, writting writting really helps, you can see your thoughts, it's amazing how powerful your thoughts and feelings really are.
And not typing actually writing them is a form of therapy...so get your pen moving :)
You seem to recognise the ED and when you are more logical so just keep writing hun.
And keep talking to us, we are all here supporting you along the way.
Thanks MG and Jen. I don't really have a short term plan in terms of ed. I'm just hoping I get in sooner then later. I go to the weekly meetings but they aren't helping much. There is nothing else available to me.
My friend wanted to grab coffee tonite, I told him no, wtf is wrong with me, I don't even care to leave my house :(
Hey Lilac,
Look it's ok, often my life gets completely slowed down by my ED, but it's ok you said no, because that's what you need right now, you need to sort your head out. So don't feel guilty...ok...there's no need...an ED is so so complicated and so hard to get out of.
I can imagine you are looking forward to getting into one of those programs...there is no one on one therapy you could go to in the meanwhile, just to talk...it really helps to talk and make a start on where it's all coming from.
Don't be hard on yourself, you are doing great, believe me.
Love to you hun
Moongal x
I know this is engaging in ED behaviour, for me it is anyway, I already worked out 2 hrs today but I'm gonna go do a quick 30 mins workout, I really think I will feel better after.
Yeah working out made it worse. I made my blood sugar too low, I'm diabetic, now I have no choice but to drink a small glass of juice. I worked out for nothing basically.