I'm fairly sure that I'm at the point in my ED where I don't want to change. I eat the exact same foods everyday, not at the exact same time but fairly close and if some activity gets in the way, even hanging out with friends....I'll skip it just so I can stay in my comfort zone. I know that the only way to change is to get over this and start doing things differently but I feel like if I change even one thing....I'll lose control. I feel like I won't be able to make it through the day.
Does this ever go away? Will I be stuck in this 'stage' forever? I feel as though there is no hope for me, as though I'll never be truly free of this. And if I'm never going to be rid of this....how can I ever hope to be happy?
I totally get it. It would be so comfortable to just eat the same thing everyday- I think so many of us here have our safe foods. But we have to get in the mind set that food is food. Like the other day when I had McDonalds which to me is a bad food- but it fit in my meal plan! Maybe try planning out your meal plan for the next day and put New foods into it. Or maybe just start with one new food a day. That way you would feel safe because you planned it a day in advance so you wouldn't have to change that aspect of anything and you would also be trying new things. Eventually adding more new foods into your daily routine! What do you think?
This will go away! I promise, you are so strong! Look at you already! You are on a meal plan- BIG step. And you were looking into university therapists!!! Another HUGE step. Now your next step could even try to make an appointment, even if its not for your eating disorder, try out one for stress. I bet no matter who you go to it could really help the emotional aspect of your eating disorder :) ! I know you can do this. There is always hope, remember that!
Remember when we started our meal plans together? And we were helping each other out when we had problems. Well support buddy, as you once put it, we can get through this horrid ED together! I can let you know how my university appointment is tomorrow so maybe you would feel better about making your own appointment? Let me know
Hi Cat, I know JUST how you feel. I used to be stuck in a similar rut. Eating nearly exactly the same thing every day at the same time and just hoping that things would start to get better (in terms of recovery) by themselves. Like you, I was scared that adjusting my routine would mean Id loose control forever. Having one extra cracker, an extra 50mL of milk or full fat instead of trim milk in my coffee was too much change. I kept thinking that one day Id muster up enough self-courage to change. I kept thinking that one day I would wake up and really want to get better.
Unfortunately, that one day didnt come. That one day DOESNT come unless you push outside this confort zone and MAKE IT HAPPEN YOURSELF. I know this is probably not want you want to hear, but it is true. Change is not going to happen unless you instigate it. This doesnt mean you have to make this decision to change on your own, it doesnt mean you have to go through the steps of change on your own, I have got to that point ONLY through the encouragement of others (family, a couple of close friends and a councellour), you will need other people for support. But what it does mean is that you have to WANT to change, you have to REALLY WANT to get better and get out of this before anything can really happen. It is only when you fully REALISE the huge benefits of being free of the ED and REALLY WANT them, that you can start making meaningful (albeit baby) steps towards a new, free and happy life. Its either this or hitting rock bottom that really brings about change.
I hope this post post hasnt been to harsh, Im really just trying to say from someone who has been there and is now ACTUALLY REALLY recovering, that this has been my experience and the experience of many others with an ED that I know of.
Change is possible. Full recovery is possible. You just REALLY have to want it fropm deep down.
Simone's right; at its core, it's all about making the choice to take those steps--or the choice to seek the help you need to take those steps.
This is just a silly little suggestion, but it's one that can work. Make a goal, like trying one challenge food a day or switching up the time that you have two of your snacks twice a week. Make a little chart that has your goal or goals for each day. Go out and buy some stickers that make you really happy, and put a sticker on the chart each time you try that new food or go out with friends even though it makes your snack late. I know it sounds childish, but it's sure worked wonders for me!
Allee, Simone and Vero all have wonderful suggestions!
I too have been stuck in the same foods habit for very long and am just started to change it, and I agree that PLANNING the changes is the best way to feel comfortable with them.
I know for so long I craved different foods "bad" foods but wouldn't allow myself to eat them. But now that I put them into my meal plan every once in a while, that strong craving and out-of-control feeling if I eat it isn't there.
I can remember wanting to eat a chocolate bar sooo badly for so long, and now that I have one every once in a while, I don't think about wanting to eat it constantly....and the craving doesn't turn into a "I want one everyday" type deal either. Just plan plan plan :)
Allee- You are SO sweet and supportive, I wouldn't be where I am today without you. You're right, incorporating new foods is the next step for me. It's incredibly scary....but I know that I have you as well as everybody here to help me.
Simone- No your post wasn't harsh at all- you're exactly right. The only way that I'm going to change is if someone pushes me to and the only person who is able to do that is ME. I have to make that change. It's terrifying....I feel like I won't be able to do anything without the comfort of controlling my meals....but I'm going to have to risk that to get better. I think that hitting rock bottom is going to be the biggest catalyst for that change and I don't think I'm there yet. I of course don't want to be....however I feel that I'm not ready to change. I'm too unstable right now. But your words will stay with me so that when it happens, when I hit rock bottom, I will know that there IS a way up.
TrueImage- I really really like your idea of using stickers! It's not only fun but it's a very positive visual image of progress. I think it's so easy to forget how I am/will progress if there's nothing to stand for it. Excellent idea, I'm going to go find some cute bunny stickers :)
specialp- Wow I definitely know what you mean! I crave foods that I used to adore but I absolutely will not let myself eat them. I guess I feel like I would lose control and binge or something. I don't even know cause I won't let myself get there! Mmmm I think I see what you mean, if you occasionally let yourself have it then you don't crave it....therefore you don't lose control when you do actually eat it. Genius! I still am afraid of that initial feeling though if I eat something that I miss. How did you handle that?
Thanks everybody for your wonderful, thoughtful replies. You're all amazing!!
When I read your post it was screaming to me that your ED voice was doing the typing, not you! Of course that voice wants you to feel uncomfortable eating new foods at new times. Thats how it scares you into staying. It wants you to think you will lose control. You have to make the decision to get better and then make one choice to change one thing. I believe in you. Please make the choice to recover!
When I do my challenge foods, I usually plan my whole meal plan around it to work in the calorie amount...so that sort keeps me in control with knowing how much I have. But that's not always good because we dont' want to listen to our ED. So the easiest thing I could suggest is having that certain foods with others around. Put your portion on a plate, and savour it. Don't throw it all in your mouth at once, but really take the time to enjoy each bite and the flavour. I find if I eat slowly and do it that way, I feel quite satisfied without feeling the need to eat, say an entire box of chocolate chip cookies instead a few, or one chocolate bar instead of 5.
Now this is because I also deal with b/p, but I also find that instead of taking (I'll use the cookies example again) the whole box of cookies with me to where I'm eating them, take what I want, seal the box up and put it away. And if I feel the urge to want more, ask myself if I'm hungry for them, or if I am full with what I just ate.
It's a process, but believe me you can do it :) You deserve to have the foods YOUR BODY wants. Food is supposed to be enjoyable after all :)
Great advice for you Cat!! Thanks to you all who are doing such a great job of supporting one another!
Never give up, and do what you can to stick to your 'plan'. I truly believe that the structure will be very helpful.
Take care....Jan ♥
Britta- awwww thanks for the support, I can really tell that you care, it's such a good feeling :) Excellent advice too, thank you!
Paige- Good idea with the taking only a little bit with you, sealing up the rest and then doing some good quality self-analysis. I have discovered that this works in the past. I think I fear myself so that I don't even trust myself with that method anymore....I know I'm just going to have to get over myself and change it's just (as you know) extremely difficult. I deal with binging, not purging, so I know kinda what you mean. Food is supposed to be enjoyable but it's such a....chore? Black mark on my day? that trying to enjoy it just doesn't ever work.
Jan- I'm sticking to my plan pretty well (thanks to you!!) and everyday I'm more convinced (even if it's just slightly) that I CAN talk to someone about my ED, especially to a professional. I'm even considering telling my best friend here at school- I'm fairly positive she suspects but hasn't said anything- so progress, however slow, is being made.
Cat....I love reading your positive words! I know this is hard, but you have come a long way. I do hope that you go forward with seeking help in a 1:1 situation, with a professional.
Yes, food 'should' be enjoyable and not something that haunts us. You can find that place again, but it will take some time and hard work to fight off the eating disorder. Remember, the ED is NOT you, and you can leave it behind! Take care...Jan ♥
Cat, I have come to realize that with my ED I was isolating myself from so many of my friends and family. Since so many of the social interactions involve food, I would just skip them because I didn't want to be awkwardly not eating while everyone else was. I have found through getting help that its impossible to control every aspect of every little thing every day of the week. It i hard to move out of the comfort zone for the first time, but each time I do it, it gets a little easier. I'm hoping one day I will be able to go into a restaurant without sneaking away to the bathroom to check nutrition facts on my phone, but for now, I am at least making the effort to go out with my friends, and that is a step in the right direction and it feels great. Just keep trying something new and eventually, you will find something that you feels right and that you are able to handle. Hang in there, and remember you aren't alone. There are so many people to support and who know what you are going through.
Hope- I find that I do the EXACT same thing. I definitely isolate myself because either I don't want to eat or I don't want to eat what I do in front of other people. I'm trying to make little changes, like going out with my friends but it's so stressful and it's so hard :(
Thank you for sharing it feels comforting, in an odd way, to know that I'm not just a loner, it's my ED telling me to!
Im sorry that you are feeling this way right now. I understadn your situation and struggle with trying new foods quite often too. Some things that may help is to plan your meals with a friend or loved one or send your meal plan to someone to help with accountablility. I find this helps. Taking someone with you to the grocery store helps ease anxiety and holds you accountable to choose different things as well. Change is so hard especially when we are so used to using our eds to cope. Trying making really small changes even having one bite of a new food and then two bites of it the next day until you can incorporate it into your meal plan. don't give up these feelings will go away. you can do it! Were all here for you. nicole