The one part of my recovery journey that I feel I have made the most progress in is stopping restricting. The thoughts come to mind often still but I have managed to eat regularly and well for many months now. When I used to go on "diets" I knew exactly what to do and how long I had to go until I got to "that weight." By about the second day of restricting I fell into what I called my super woman mode. Even my husband called it this before I recognized that my situation had a name. During the duration of my restricting I would spend all of my time doing things for others. I would take on extra tasks, work out daily, clean our home more, and do everything to keep myself from eating while always thinking about food. The negative side of being super woman was that I could not feel anything going on below my neck. It was like I was living outside my body the majority of the time (except when I was poking all of the bad spots). Many people in my life would notice the change but they took advantage of my giving mood and after about a week usually gave me compliments too. Of course as soon as I got down to the right weight I would go on a week long binge and then I would be planning my next diet again.
I recognize now how caught up I was in my ED behaviors. Some days I do miss the super woman for the abilities I had to get things done. Sometimes I feel selfish for doing this for myself.
At this point in my recovery I am eating regularly. I binge very rarely but I still overeat more than I want to. I am learning how to tell when my body has had enough. It has been hard for me to stop grabbing snacks even when I know I'm not hungry. I need to work on that. Although I haven't been weighing myself I know I am above the healthy weight range for my body. How can I eat the proper number of calories for my body, which will ultimately lead to me losing weight, without the voice coming back to tell me what a good job I'm doing and keep going, 5 more pounds wont hurt, etc. ?
I'm feeling stuck in this process but I would rather be stuck here for the rest of my life than go back to ED and be more miserable in a smaller body.
britt...thank you for sharing. I can relate to the 'super woman' dynamic and how it helped to perpetuate the ED with me also. Your perspective is healthy in terms of feeling cautious about a plan to lose even 5 lbs. Please don't go there at all!
For any of us who have had an eating disorder, a diet, or even weight loss due to an illness is the number one reason for relapse. Your body may need those few extra pounds to protect you from a relapse. It's worth it. At least I think it is. Even three years ago, I knew that if I lost a few pounds, my brain would turn to 'mush'. In other words, I was setting myself up to light up that circuit again of the eating disordered thinking and all the patterns, etc.
You are right...being 'stuck' where you are now is much much better than going back. Please don't risk it! Weight charts are not what you should go by to determine what is a healthy weight for you. The weight that you body needs is the weight it will protect when you are eating consistently and regularly, without depriving yourself of any foods. The first year of recovery is when you are the most vulnerable. Your body and your mind continue to heal even beyond that time. Congratulations on the great progress you have made! Take care of yourself....Love, Jan ♥
Thank you Jan.
Your response came with perfect timing and really hit home with how I am feeling. You are an inspiration!
Hey Britta.
You really did sum it up in your last line. As miserable as i felt in my 'bigger' body, nothing compares to my current misery and it is definitely not worth it. If you know that any loss may end up with you sliding back down the hill, then i suggest you head for the mountains to get a clearer view. It is beautiful up there. Way more so than down here in this ed pile of heap.
When i was into my period of abstaining from b/p yet still restricting and chewing and spitting on occasion, i thought that i could still use some of the ed and leave the main behaviour behind. I was pretty deluded to think that.
I think if you are leaving ed behind, you have to leave it all behind. I still think you can lead a healthy lifestyle and enjoy good (not in an ed way) food and enjoy exercise in a healthy way. There is no room for restricting and thinking that we are abstaining from a few calories here and there.
Your body will find its natural weight even if it takes a little longer than it does for others. No 2 journeys are the same.
I wish you well and hope you continue to remember how much better life is without the ed. Extra poundage or not.
Love
xx