The hell of being friends with my ex

I dont really ever tell people things that i write here but i guess because no one knows me here its different. This is going to be a rant and i need advice. So this may be all over the place.

My fiance and I took a break 4 mounths ago. She has become this amazing person that i wish i could have helped with. But she never gave me the chance to help. She left after taking to many different people but me her fiance. The betrayal i have felt ever since then is more then i can put into words. I feel like this is all my fault. I struggle with the guilt that i shouldn’t have but do. I have tried to kill myself many times now in 4 months.

She has found friends dont get me wrong i love that for her but they encourage her to get high all the time. I wish i could help but its not my place anymore. I know the damage that an addiction like this can do. Because i was the one getting high all the time in our relationship.

We are supposed to talk at the end of September but idk if i can be her friend for that long. I spent 3 and a half years calling her my love. The one that i want to be with forever. And she just left idk if it was hard or not for her. She says that it was hard but idk. She made a promise and broke it.

Now i have to watch what i say. I miss her so much. I find myself wanting to throw myself at her ever time we hang out. Why did she have to leave everything could have been done together but she left instead.

I asked her if she still wants to try and get back together and she couldn’t give me a straight answer. Idk whether i am wasting my time or not by waiting for her.

Would it be better to just kill myself. Would she miss me. Would she care if i died. I want her attention. Why does this feel like i have to win her back. I shouldn’t have to win her back i shouldn’t have to compete for attention.

I had to compete for her attention for our intire relationship. She would find an excuse to leave of hang out with someone else. Fuck she went to Tennessee and messed around there were so much taht was wrong.

She blamed me for everything. I could never do write by her. Everything i did was a manipulation she said. And everything was abuse. But i never did anything like taht. I becer hit her i never manipulated her and trust me i am very good at it and ik when i am and am not doing it.

I just want to die because i dont know what to do and my meds aren’t working and i cant find ones that do.

I need help to know what to do and if i am worth it

If u r asking if she’s feeling sad as you …surely i can give you straight answer yes
No one on earth can pass memories and happiness easily
No one can pass someone who were kind & forgiving to them
But you know what’s the difference between you & her?
You both have different look towards life
She choose to continue
And you choose to wait and stop
So you see her happy & think she forgets u
And think this love was fake.
But do you know how she sees you?
I guess she see you as a depressed person as someone dependent
And who wants a dependent person?
If u want her back you have to do that:
1- don’t accept to be friends
Tell her lovers cannot be friends
2-go on with your life .success!
3-don’t give her attention or love
Treat her like any person you know
4-don’t wait for her .search for new love
I swear she’ll come begging you

1 Heart

I know its hard to be in this situation
When breakup happened suddenly
When you love & forgive & give up your rights
And she doesn’t appreciate you
Especially if it’s your first time to love & you thought you’ll be together forever
So please don’t think of suicidal thoughts
Life is worth living
And you can get all you want just be patient and use your mind well

1 Heart

Thank you that has helped me so much

1 Heart

I wish :heart: