I dont really ever tell people things that i write here but i guess because no one knows me here its different. This is going to be a rant and i need advice. So this may be all over the place.
My fiance and I took a break 4 mounths ago. She has become this amazing person that i wish i could have helped with. But she never gave me the chance to help. She left after taking to many different people but me her fiance. The betrayal i have felt ever since then is more then i can put into words. I feel like this is all my fault. I struggle with the guilt that i shouldn’t have but do. I have tried to kill myself many times now in 4 months.
She has found friends dont get me wrong i love that for her but they encourage her to get high all the time. I wish i could help but its not my place anymore. I know the damage that an addiction like this can do. Because i was the one getting high all the time in our relationship.
We are supposed to talk at the end of September but idk if i can be her friend for that long. I spent 3 and a half years calling her my love. The one that i want to be with forever. And she just left idk if it was hard or not for her. She says that it was hard but idk. She made a promise and broke it.
Now i have to watch what i say. I miss her so much. I find myself wanting to throw myself at her ever time we hang out. Why did she have to leave everything could have been done together but she left instead.
I asked her if she still wants to try and get back together and she couldn’t give me a straight answer. Idk whether i am wasting my time or not by waiting for her.
Would it be better to just kill myself. Would she miss me. Would she care if i died. I want her attention. Why does this feel like i have to win her back. I shouldn’t have to win her back i shouldn’t have to compete for attention.
I had to compete for her attention for our intire relationship. She would find an excuse to leave of hang out with someone else. Fuck she went to Tennessee and messed around there were so much taht was wrong.
She blamed me for everything. I could never do write by her. Everything i did was a manipulation she said. And everything was abuse. But i never did anything like taht. I becer hit her i never manipulated her and trust me i am very good at it and ik when i am and am not doing it.
I just want to die because i dont know what to do and my meds aren’t working and i cant find ones that do.
I need help to know what to do and if i am worth it