The recovery mountain

Mental Health Eating Disorders & Body Dysmorphia
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Hi all - today has been a great day - and yet my thoughts about ED are loud. Loud and prominent.

I started zoloft 4 days ago - a pediatric dose. I am not sleeping well - and feeling nausoues and strange. And now they want me to take Ativan to sleep. How can this be good/right? Taking more meds? I don't feel comfortable with this approach and I am struggling. I want my mind (Ed thoughts) to quiet - but I don't like these ramifications and am really considering going without. I believe I can do it - without the meds. To train my mind rather than numb it. I am told the side effects will likely pass - but I find it troubling to go through this period --- adding more crap onto an already abused/healing body.

I am also having very big self-hate thoughts - thoughts that were absent before. Or much quieter. I again, feel like the fattest person in the room - and find myself dreaming of Ed and wanting him back. I find myself lured with the concept of 'thin' - and even the reality of what that meant, the ramifications, aren't logical enough today. I am writing b/c I am struggling. I am struggling to stay on my course. I am the alcholic standing outside the bar. I am the gambler in the casino - with a blank look. I am the spender with a credit card. I am compulsive and I want to go backwards - but something is pulling me forward. Forward to this site - to somtehing stronger instead of weaker. I don't like it. I am not having fun. I want freedom. I want freedom from these thoughts. i want not to be faced with those I perceive as thinner or more perfect than me. how fucked up is that? I look at myself and see flaws. When will I learn what self-love is? I need to feel like I am okay. Like this will be okay. And in my mind I know it will be - I feel completely worn down and worn out. I want my thin legs back. My breasts that didn't need a bra. And yet - I was so sick that I couldn't move. What a fucking dicotomy. How can we 'want' something so sick - so much. I sit here - writing ot you - listening to my daughter play and watching my husband read - and I know I can't go backwards - I have too much. But god - this road is tough. So fucking tough that sometimes i feel like I am running the 365 marathon - and jsut need a break. Water anyone?

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I'm searching for self-love too, and it seems like such an elusive concept. People keep telling me that I need to love myself (how can anybody me if I don't love myself), but I have no idea how.

I wish you the best of luck, as I'm on the same road you are.

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Erica,

It takes a few weeks for the meds to really stabilize. Give them a chance, friend. I know the beginning is ROUGH... Sleeplessness is AWFUL... Feeling so wired and tired... :P But it DOES even out... And for me, I have come to recognize that I truly NEED my meds... I'm still struggling, but the meds have enabled me to feel more balanced... Like I actually CAN make choices, rather than feeling the depression dragging me under. Hang in there! You CAN! ♥

Jake,

Welcome to Support Groups! Yes, we all need to love ourselves... What a subjective directive, huh? Both obvious and baffling... Keep writing! :)

Love,

Jen

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Erica: I agree with Jen that it does take time for the meds to work, but everyone's chemistry is different and the Zoloft may not be right for you or maybe the dosage is not enough. Either way, please say NO to the ativan! My understanding is that is a very powerful and addictive drug. There are many other milder sleep aids you can get. Please don't suffer in silence. Call you DR and tell him or her what is going on.
Maybe the lack of sleep is fueling the ED thoughts, but I hear your strength and desire to stay well coming through! Message me or if you want to talk directly let me know and I can call you
Erica: You are a wonderful and inspirational person and we are all so glad you joined our group; Please keep reaching out to me and to all of us on these difficult days.
YOu look great in your blog pictures, and even more beautiful when you are looking at your daughter.
I am praying for your mind to go to a safe and calming place.
Love to you, sister!