you know what i hate i hate that no one seems to understand what im going through i hate it all ive done since ive stopped restricting is try to find out if ive become a binge eater i worry constantly and ive heard its normal ive heard its not no one really seems to know im getting to the point of giving up and just going back to it i hate my new life i hated my old one but my old one kept me from binging because i therew all the food away i want to start doing this again i want to a part of me so wants to stay underweight and never recover because i just know im going to be a million pounds in two weeks the goddamn voice in my head wont stop with the constant thoughts of eating vs not eating what if some people arnt meant to be normal i dont think i am its either i control the food or it controls me my voice keeps telling me this and everyone keeps saying you need to gain weight blah blah but i dont want to its too hard it just makes me stress out which triggers a binge which trigggers guilt and another two days of obsessing over it and probly another binge which my voice keeps telling me if you would just stop trying to get better you could go back now and it wont be too late i think ive reached the point of just giving in to the voice its safe and secure there so safe and secure.
these are the thoughts that have been going through my head all day today and yesterday ever since i woke up it today i slept for 12 hours because i didnt wont to get up and face another day of making descions on what to eat and when to eat or should i eat or should i not i feel like im forcing myself to eat i dont want to feel like that its so stupid i am so stupid god i i hate today
acousti....you are suffering greatly from the affects of starvation and chaotic eating. That is why making decisions is so hard, and you feel so confused.
Are you getting any help? Please seek some professional help. If you are suffering as you say, you truly need to get into treatment. Your body and mind cannot withstand this much longer.
You are NOT stupid. The ED will cause you to think this way, and to believe that.
Please get some help....thinking of you....Jan ♥
Hunny,
You are not stupid. There have been days where i have felt I don't want to get up because I don't trust my choices.
Tell me a small bit about yourself. You either undereat or you binge eat, would that be right? Welcome to the world of BED! And that's ok hun. You use food as coping mechanism, as most of us do with BED. But this is completely treatable so it's not all bad.
From your post you seem very angry and frustrated with yourself. I understand your pain but don't give up you are strong and you can get through this.
The first thing i would recommend is seeing a therapist. I wasted 12 years of my life dealing with this undereating, then bulimia, then BED, always thinking oh I'll be fine once I'm x amount of weight...the thing about it, is you never reach x, because x gets lower and lower.
I've finally started seeing a therapist and weight has literally been lifted off, she is getting to the root of why I am using this to cope with everything in life.
So please get some help and keep coming back here for support. Stop self hating and start caring for yourself enough to realise you need this.
Love to you
Moongal x
I'm sorry you're struggling right now... Neither restricting nor bingeing are easy... Balance is the key. ♥ Learning to live in the gray. :)
Love to you,
Jen
im going to a counsler on tuesday my head is really messed up right now its like a battle for my life and my health i hope this therapist trully understands what they are talking about i do want to get better i really do but the voice in my head doesnt it wants to take back over forever i keep wondering how long have i actually been like this how long have i actually worried about becoming over weight i cant even really awnser that question becuse i cant remember ever not worrying about food i cant for the life of me rember it i try to think back but i cant rember a time that i actually ate as much as i should all in fear of getting fat i mean this year was deffiently the worse of it was when all the obsession with calories and fat content and exercise came into play so this year was the first year people could actually notice because of the weight loss but ever since ive been thin ive done something to where i would never gain a pound at least as far back as i can remeber i really want to tell everyone that but they would never believe me because back then i acted like i didnt care what i was eating but i did when i ate whatever i wanted i didnt really i made sure to only eat so much and to not eat when everybody else ate just when i couldnt really do anything from lack of energy yeah i was meeting my calorie min im sure but that was it never any more i made sure of that and now the same i dont know how long ive actually dealt with the feelings that food is evil and just something i have to do to survive rather than enjoying it and not really thinking about whats going to happen to me if i keep eating like this and these thoughts are reinforced by commercials on tv about the latest diet fad or the new trendy exercise program and how to lose those unsightly pounds a society to obsessed with body image rather than happiness and i feel vain and shallow because im just as bad worse than that why i dont know most people i know are bigger people or at least at a healthy body weight and they are way happier than me they just eat when they want what they want and never really show any guilt or remorse they dont care what other people think and i say i do which is a lie because i do always have im vain and shallow pretending not to care when i care so much that i obsess about it to the point of insanity which isnt good why cant i learn to be like them with food as part of life not all that my life revovles around i dont know thank you for your concern and empathy
You are not vain or shallow, you are suffering and you acknowledge this. A vain person is someone who thinks they are the greatest and no one rivals them, but I can tell from your post you don't feel like that and you long to escape the shacolls of your ED.
One thing I stopped doing was buying celeb magazines. I didn't know if they were hindering me, but I didn't want to take the risk anymore so I saved a bit of money and now I just buy flowers instead.
I understand how hard that life is, it is so consuming, to the point that food scares you and you have to exercise, come hail rain or shine. But when you get to therapy you will realise there is an emotional connection to all of this, and in order to let go of the ED, you have to let go of that. This will all happen at your own pace so don't worry you will find your happiness.
Because you are not just a number on a scale or exercise or food intake, you are a million other wonderful things that are being pushed aside because of this, you just need to find them again.
Keep coming back for support. I am so glad you are going to therapy that's such a huge step.
Love to you
Moongal x
these post are all so great i love this site no one has chatised me or judged me just explained why i feel the way i do it helps more than yall can imagine i love being able to see that people do care people who dont even know me care so what does that mean about the people who do know me this gives me so much happiness im so warm inside right now i actually smiled a real smile after reading these comments and i loved it my sincerest thank yous
acousti....no judgment...this is not your fault! I think it's harder for the people closest to you to understand because they are so emotionally tied into it.
Keep smiling....hold your head high....♥
That's so great! :) You ARE loved and cared about, sweetie! And we understand because we've been there... Different situations, but similar... ♥ You are worth fighting for! Hang on to that truth! :)
Love,
Jen
Hello :)
I have been reading the past comments, and I just wanted to let you know how incredibly strong you are for reaching out. I want to tell you that I understand, we all do, that having an ED can make you feel the true meaning of 'alone' and 'shallow' and a 'burden' I just want to tell you that when this part of you is speaking, it wants the opposite of what is good for you, it wants you to get sucked into the never ending cycle of pure hell. a game in which you can never win. And im here to tell you that I know that the voice promises happiness, and that your body is a tool to reach that, but the happiness lies in actually feeling your feelings, feeling the strength, and knowing you deserve everything the world has to offer. even if these moments are so scarce in the beginning, they will increase. they will also have bad days brought with them too, but it never takes away from what you've already learned. Each day is an opportunity to learn more about the wonderful person you are.
Im proud of you for seeking therapy :) I have been attending for the last year, and it was the best decision i've made.
Let me know how it goes, okay?
We're all here for you.
Your feelings are never 'wrong' or 'unbearable' despite what they may feel like sometimes.
<3