hey, guys. i'm back. i haven't purged in over nine months, but i've been struggling a bit recently. my mother passed away a couple of weeks ago, from a rare and devastating disease. i was caring for her every day for three and a half months, just trying to help her get better, until three weeks ago, when they told us she wouldn't. it's been hard. i feel like a failure, and i just want my mom back. i did all i could for her, and those were the most miserable months of my life, and in the end, i had to say goodbye anyway. i've always suspected that my older sister is or has been bulimic, as well, and we basically just sit around and eat too much, and when she isn't here, i hardly eat at all. i haven't purged, but i feel like i've definitely binged. i haven't binged in a huge way, but a binge is still a binge. i'm trying to keep myself in control, but this is absolutely the worst thing i have ever felt. i guess what i want to know is, who here has faced one of life's harder situations, and can there really be control? i feel like i've been doing very well, given the circumstances, but i know that if me from six months ago could see me now, she'd be deeply displeased. is it possible to get through this without a total relapse?
YES it is possible to get through this without a relapse. But I think it will require a lot of acceptance on your part-- acceptance that you were not at fault for your mother's death, acceptance that you are a wonderful daughter who stood by your mother's side, and acceptance of the way you are feeling. It's OK to be sad, angry, devastated (or any other feeling you are having) and you have to remember to tell yourself that it's okay to feel the feelings.
You cannot control your feelings, you have to let them come, they have to sit in your body for whatever length of time they need to be there for, and then they will go when the time is ready.
What are things you can do to take care of yourself at this time? Can you reconnect to a therapist, call a supportive friend, be around family members, or maybe engage in a healthy behavior like walking or painting? Planning out meals may help with binges, eating meals with others may help with that too. You seem to have pretty good awareness of what's going on, so start putting together a plan just in case.
I am so very sorry to hear this news. I can't even imagine how you are feeling; I'm so glad you chose to write.
I just lost one grandparent and another is deathly ill. I can sympathize, at least a tiny bit, with what you are going through. Feel free to talk any time, we can help each other pull through this-
Cat
thank you both very much.
cat- i am so sorry. i'm here for you any time.
missheather- that's all very helpful, and i will definitely do what i can to incorporate those things more into my days.
Bloodredshoes,
I'm sooo sorry for your loss... ♥ I can't begin to imagine what you must be feeling right now... Please give yourself permission to grieve... Someday, I think you will see your ability to care for your mom at the end of her illness as a gift. You had that time with her, as hard as it was, and NO regrets. ♥ Family; sisters can be very triggering, as can stressful situations, loss, and change. You're going through a LOT. Remember to be honest with yourself. Feel what you're feeling. Hang in there... It will never be "easy"... But the pain will ease in time... You'll be able to remember the GOOD times more, and focus on them. That's how your mom would want to be remembered. ♥
Sending love and support...
Jen
BRS...I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine what pain you are feeling. I know that losing my son changed my life dramatically, so perhaps I do know a bit what you are feeling.
I agree that your Mother would want you to be at peace in that you did your best to care for her. That is a true blessing in itself! Grieving is complicated and often frightening. Feeling those feelings are painful, but not feeling them may lead to even more pain. Cry when you need to cry, and laugh when you can. I'm sure your Mother was blessed by you as a daughter. Take care...Jan ♥