Therapy Session

[Sami77]

So I didn’t have therapy yesterday because someone in my therapist’s family passed away.

Trigger warning:
I feel like admittting something but I’m not sure if it will help me to acknowledge it.
I keep denying something that seems like it happened. I’ve admitted to abused physcially, and verbally abuse but NEVER outright admitted sexual abuse. As much as I don’t want to admit it- it happened because I had some strange behaviors growning up. Also, I have never dated anyone because I’m afraid of men. I wish I wouldn’t feel that way and just want to move on and have a normal life. I want to have a good quality of life. I’m trying my best to work towards that but I feel like I take 3 steps forward then 2 back.

I freaked out the other day too. Maybe it was just my subconsious trying to protect myself.

[MagiaMoonlight]

TRIGGER WARNING

When I was around 12-years old or so I had a pretty scary experience with the boy who lived next door to me, and at the time I really didn’t know how to handle it so I did what most young girls do and I tried to just forget about it-- to pretend that what happened didn’t change me…but it did.

Let me preference this by saying that in this particular situation I was not rped (I actually lost my virginity to rpe at 21-years old which seems a lot like lightning striking the same place twice but thus is my luck). I was however assaulted physically and verbally and in a way it actually left a deeper scar on me than what happened to me later did. I know that maybe sounds backwards, but to this day I still think about it all the time. I still shower twice a day because no matter how much soap I use, or how hot the water is I still feel “dirty” from it. Like I am somehow just more unclean than everyone else around me.

I never told my parents because one of the things this guy put in my head was that they would never believe me over him, and at the time I felt there was some merit in what he was saying. My parents always talked very fondly of him because he would work around his aunt and uncles yard and was very respectful to adults. I wasn’t the worst kid, but I know that I wasn’t the greatest either. My mouth has always had the ability to get me into trouble, lol and it still does.

I told only one person, my best friend at the time, and she told the entire school and then proceeded to tell everyone that I was making stories up. I knew that she had always had a crush on this guy, but I never thought she would have believed him over me.

After that I was scared to talk about it because in a way her not believing me made me question the whole event to myself. I know I didn’t dream it, it happened; but listening to people whisper about me and call me a liar hurt and it somehow made things less clear. I will recount it for you if you ever want to listen to it; but I am posting this because I want you to know one thing. Its taken me an entire life to learn this.

If you keep secrets they become burdens, weights holding you back, and they become things that can only be used against you. I don’t really keep secrets anymore because I now know that it doesn’t matter if anyone believes what you tell them, because you will always know the truth–and in this life YOU and your opinion of yourself are the only opinions that matter. Its okay to be afraid, but don’t let the fear keep you from evolving into the person you are meant to be.

I have learned a lot from my pain and I am not the naive 12-year old that walked over to a fence to talk to a boy anymore. Looking back I can honestly say it did change me, and I am damaged make no mistake about that, but what happened to me doesn’t define me. He did not nor will he ever break me. I survived and now I try to help others do the same.

You can open up here. All of us have a past.

[Griz75]

you react at times because your body or subconscious is trying to protect you. IT happens to many people, myself included at time, The harder part for myself is realizing when it happens and taking the time to see why and seeing if i can not react in a negative manner.

[Sami77]

What happened was: I was having a bloody nose and I got freaked out when I thought someone was going to touch me.

[snoorton]

i look for and that is where it starteI need help, need to learn to accept this, male rape survivor.

los anges county jail, mens side,

I was sentenced for drug offenses,and was currently on probation.

I was put into a cell with 3 other inmates,

whom were very much into being in jail,

coming back from showers the first night, I was forced on my knees over a bunk, my face was smothered in a pillow, the male was in charge,J had the most power, asked me if I had ever been fucked in the ass, I could only shake my head NO. he said relax and dont fight it, he held my hips and fucked me in my ass, the pain was awful,i tried to sream,

when he was finished the next one, put vaseline between my cheeks, and he also fucked my ass, the third male, just kept watch.

when this was over, I tried to hide under a blanket, I was very sore, and could not stand up, I was told to shave my legs right now, or they would shave my legs , hold me down and shave my legs,

and they started to do this, until I said I would do this, as they were cutting me,

the womens side of the jail used the same laundry as the mens side, and that was where they got a womens jail dress and jail panties for me to wear, I had to wear panties and dress in the cell, or be yelled at, and maybe slapped,

they wanted me to look as female as much as i could.

I was held down and fucked in my ass many times, until, I felt blood, and was to sore,

then I was told to give blow jobs, either give a blow job or be fucked in the ass, giving blow jobs was my safety from being fucked in the ass l , I would have to go to each male in the cell, and unzip him, and give him blow job, every day, I choked and gagged and got sick a few times,

an older male would yell at me if I was not wearing a dress, and to stop this yelling i would put on the dress,I was told I was a woman now, I had to walk in front of men wearing a dress and panties, and be watched when I had to give a blow job, I could not fight them, and gave in to them,

I am a widow 2 years now

[MagiaMoonlight]

That is horrible and it just shows how truly vile some people are. Nobody deserves those kind of memories. You survived it though, and I imagine that its made you tough as hell.

[Sami77]

I’m a tough one too.

[CKBlossom]

Ugh, the harshness and truly evil of the world and people sometimes just breaks me. I am so sad for all of you that have been abused and used and it is just so awful and unfair. The organization RAINN is a good place to start if you have never gotten help, that is their mission, to help those who have been sexually abused and raped. I am so proud of each of you for being so honest and open to helping one another. Hugs.

[Alex26]

I had been attacked by bullies and large men when I was a teenager (not sexually). It also left a mark on me for some time, but I almost never think about it anymore. I was also beaten by my father, several times because I had done bad things at school truancy, smoking, etc. I hated him and never wanted to be around him. He often complained about me not visiting him & my mother etc., but he never seemed to connect the dots. I don’t lie either of my parents and I don’t think they should have had children. They are always been massively incompatible, with arguments being an almost daily occurrence.

One of the ways I came to think of the above is that “these things were not my choices, not my issues, not things I had chosen to do”. So the attacks are not my fault nor do they have anything to do with me.

And so in the same way, those boys who attacked and raped you are the ones who are really suffering/in pain, and because they can’t find a way to stop the suffering /pain, they choose to inflict their suffering onto another person, which they think will stop the pain. But it doesn’t and so they may keep attacking people.
The attacks don’t mean anything about you, how you are, how you behave/talk, etc. Its nothing to do with you. You just happened to be handy/local/in the way. It could have been any other female.

I can’t profess any expertise in this area or understand the complexities of the suffering that you and many other experience with such attacks. Perhaps there are “under the surface” unresolved issues with the attacks on me but I have not sought to pursue them as I don’t seem to having any issues related to them.

[Vampster82]

I have a question but please do not take it wrong it is in no way a pass at you a dog at you or anything like that it is truly meant as an idea to maybe help you. Have you ever thought of trying to start with dating females? If you start with soft females then move on to less girly females then boyish girls then if you are still alright maybe masculine women. Maybe that could prepare you and comfort you for dating men. It worked for me that’s why I even mentioned it. I am really sorry if it upsets anyone. I honestly only want to help because someone once mentioned it to me and it really helped me. I am Now happily married with a beautiful daughter.