I am struggling with everything right now. I am undergoing a depression and trying to keep up with life.
I found out I was pregnant which caused alot of emotional stress and my boyfriend thinks I have cheated on him because his sperm count turned out to be zero. I dont know how conception took place neither do I know how to prove to him that I didnt cheat on him. we have been together for so long and it would break my heart to see us part.
Hey sweetie,
Welcome...firstly although I know the news arrives with much anxiety...congratulations.
Look you know the baby is his, and if he needs proof cos of his speirm count being so low you can always take a dna test. It may not be something you want to do, but the option is there.
Depression is very hard hun, I understand. Are you getting help with that in the way of professional help? I would recommend you do if you haven't already as you know as much as we wish it would it doesn't just go away.
Keep talking hunny
We are here for you
Moongal x
I got an abortion so taking a DNA test isnt possible. We ended up breaking up anyway.
all my friends have left the country for college abroad, my family doesnt even remember my number. I have never felt this alone and battling with depression has only made it harder for me. I have had thoughts about killing myself everyday and I dont know how to make those thoughts go away.
It was really nice hearing from you.
thank you so much for your reply.
Akasha x
Hey sweetie,
I am so sorry you felt you had to have an abortion and I hope that was through you choice and through no pressure.
I am sorry about your relationship ending, but you are not alone.
I have been where you are right, where it seems like you'll never get out.
Is there any member that you are close to that you could just call or text for a chat? Or is there a friend you could call and chat to?
I would also ask that you try go to the doctor tomorrow, I think it's so important you go to a professional. You need to speak about how much you are going through and sweetie it is a lot. I know what depression feels like and how burdening it is. You don't have to live your life with this. Just consider going to get help.
And keep talking
Love you hun
Moongal x
Akasha,
Please listen to Moon, please go to the doctor. You are too special to be in so much pain. If you can't get to the doctor please keep posting. It helps to share your pain. Writing your thoughts down in a nonthreatening supportive environment may help you sort through your feelings. Going through an abortion is tough, loosing your love at the same time is devastating. Keep sharing, keep talking, the pain feels like it's going to kill you but it won't. The pain also feels like it's never going to end but it will get better. Have faith, believe and think as many positive thoughts as you can. It will get better. Don't shut in your feelings - get them out. I'm sorry your family is so distant, but maybe you can still contact your friends for support. If not please continue to share with us. This is a wonderful site and we understand your pain as we are working through our own pain and working towards our futures one step at a time. Please take care, Hugs:)
Moon and Phoenix,
Thank you so much for your support. I haven’t heard this many kind words in a very long time. I really am going through what I know to be the hardest times of my life and it feels so lonely to not have anyone be there for you, sometimes I wish I could just close my eyes and open them and everything is gone.
I can’t go to a doctor because I cant afford one, and where I live there is no option of community service apart from the church, not to be rude but the only way the church would help me is if I joined their group and that isn’t what I truly believe in.
I don’t know how to pull myself together, everything is such a mess. Nothing is looking up for me, nothing is going to change for a while.
I sometimes feel so positive and uplifted and other times I feel so severely depressed that I seriously contemplate suicide, the only thing that’s keeping me from doing it is that I don’t have the guts. I am afraid I will one day pick up the guts to do it. I doubt anyone would care anyway.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
Akasha,
I know it sounds cliché but it's always darkest before the dawn. A month ago I thought I was going to die, the pain I felt consumed me, I couldn't eat, sleep, think, I couldn't breathe. All because the love of my life left me for another woman. I'm at a point in my life where I have raised my family, I have a good career and am financially sound, having a wonderful relationship completed me. Than he just walked out for a 27 year old (he's 53). I was lost, the anxiety attacks overwhelmed me. I didn't know who I was or what I was going to do without him. I lost 13 lbs in 3 weeks and I thought I would never stop crying. I wanted to die, I pulled out a razor and couldn't do it. I took 10 PROZACS before I stopped myself - I did get really sick. I couldn't stop the pain I just wanted to stop breathing. I don't know what stopped me. I remembered my ex had a gun - I thought about it all - I just thank God I couldn't do it. I started praying, I haven't done it for a long time. I haven't gone to church in a long time. It's not because I stopped believing in God - just religion. I thought I could wing it alone. I didn't do so good. I can tell you that when I started praying - God listened. I felt a little stronger, I remembered I was loved and that it was going to be OK. I'm not going to tell you that I'm no longer in pain and that I no longer suffer because that would be a lie but I'm beginning to realize that it is through our pain and suffering that we become better people - more understanding and compassionate. We are able to see ourselves in a different light and we can work towards moving forward to complete ourselves. We can't change other people Akasha, we can't make them think or feel what we think or feel no matter how close we think we are...we can only change ourselves. Take this time to think about who you are, what you want, what you need. I know you want to say you know what you need - you need him. It's hard when our soul is ripped out of our bodies but we need to complete ourselves and in time you will be able to start putting yourself first. Trust me I didn't think I would ever believe that 3 weeks ago but it's true.
I'm sorry you are in this position alone with all that you are going through. So am I. My circle of friends are non-existent because he was my whole world - I didn't need anything else. Now he is gone and I'm alone. My family is over 700 miles away. My mother died 2 months ago and everyone is falling apart during the holidays so I don't have any close support. Support is so important. Keep sharing here, the people here are very supportive and helped me tremendously. Talk til you can't talk anymore. Start a journal at home - any old notebook will do...open the blinds and let the sunshine in. Walk, go to the gym, volunteer your time to others. Don't rush to close the door behind you but open new doors - that'll will give you the hope and strength you need to take one small step at a time. Do Pray - I haven't managed to get back to church yet but I pray and it helps. If you get the chance read the book or see the movie "Eat, Love, Pray" it has so many nuggets to help us find ourselves - cheap therapy! You are stronger than you think and we are here to help, please keep sharing. Hugs:)
Hey Akasha,
I believe in God but so much into the whole religion thing...however if that was an area where you get support that would be brilliant..I'm sure there wouldn't even be much mention of God, only things like God is here for you and caring for you.
You could be really good friends there who understand you're pain...and the company too would be great.
Are there no services where you live that give free therapy or a donation? Sometimes training colleges have centres where students have to work a certain amount of hours with patients, these are nearly qualified therapists they just need to fill their requirements for college.
Is that an option over there? I am from Ireland so I don't know much about the Healthcare system over there.
Phoenix, I love your post, it's so lovely to give so much encouragement to someone. You are right, there is something in prayer, looking to someone, or something else for help...is good for you and gives you strength to continue on.
Akasha, you are not alone, we understand we are here for you.
Keep talking to us
Love to you
Moongal x
Phoenix,
I am so sorry to hear that. You sound like such a strong person. I wish I had your strength.
Moon,
I think I will look back into support from the church. I could use all the kind words I can get right now.
Thank you both so much for your support. It really has been ages since I heard nice things. All I hear is how I have failed and how I am a mistake.
I wish I was able to see the light that wants to break through but right now it looks like a very long dark tunnel. I know I have alot of self healing to do but I am just so scared of letting myself feel anything. The last time I tried to let myself feel anything I ended up attempting suicide. I swallowed all the pills I could find. I fell asleep and woke up with a massive headache.
I feel so cornered, like I am in an ongoing rollercoaster that just wont stop.. my thoughts are racing and my heart just keeps getting weaker. I dont want to end up in a hospital or dead. I want to live. I just wish I could overcome the weakness I feel in the moment.
You guys are such strong people and I admire you for it. I always wish I was part of a big warm family and a close circle of friends. All my friends are miles away and the internet is the only way to keep in touch or to talk to myself which winds me up in tears or suicidal.
All I pray for is strength. I held on for so long, I dont think I can anymore. I need strength more than anything right now.
Akasha Who,
We get strong through our experiences. Since my last post I lost my father (Dec 8). He and my brother got into an argument and my brother brutally beat my father. My father ended up in the hospital on life support and my sister and I had to make the decision to pull the plug. We sat with him for 6 days until the doctors finally convinced us that he was brain dead and he would never recover. We buried my father on Monday. My brother is facing homicide charges. My mother passed away 22 Sept after suffering from pancreatic cancer for 3 years. Add in my ex and my last few months have been catastrophic. I have moments of clarity and moments of pain. I promised my Dad I would be OK. I pull my strength from that promise. I've learned life is fragile, we can't waste time because we don't know how much we really have. Like you I don't have many friends, my family is now pulled into two parties - one that supports my brother and than there is me and my sister and our children. I'm not going to quit - I'm going to build my support group and a new family. You can to. Don't sit home alone - if you do reach out to people on this site and keep talking it helps. If you want to meet new people - volunteer. You'll feel better because you are helping others and you will meet new friends. Remember, you are a special person - someone out there is looking for you - he will never find you if you don't get out there. Continue to pray for strength - when I sat with my father I couldn't do anything but repeat the Lord's Prayer over and over again. I just believed God will hear my pain - I honestly believed he did. I'm not a die-hard Christian but I do believe and that's what you need to do Believe! Believe God will hear your cries - Believe in yourself - Believe in others - Keep praying for Strength and Pray for peace. Your friends here will pray for you to - Never give up on yourself - every time you get a negative thought - think of something positive no matter how small - change your reflection - your life will change. Please take care and keep posting. Hugs
Phoenix,
I just want to send my sincere condolences to you. It hardly seems enough to say I am so sorry for how things have turned out and yet you are so strong.
I look at people like you and how do you cope. I can’t put words on your strength, and it really humbles me…at how you can still support us when you are the one in so much need right now.
i am thinking of you and your family at this time, you hold on to your sister and lean on each other. I pray your mum and dad are in heaven and still looking down on their babies as ye face these difficult times.
Love you hun
Moongal x
Pheanix,
like I mentioned earlier, you are such a strong woman. Something every woman should learn. Strength.
I am so sorry. I cant even begin to imagine what you must be going through. Your strength is admirable. You are such a beautiful person. With all you have been through, you are still able to give back with love. I am sure it was an honor having you as a daughter and is a honor having you as a mom and a family member.
I have faced domestic violence. My father used to beat up my mother all the time. Growing up its all I ever saw of him. He refuses to admit but I know how frightening it is. I am so sorry a family member of yours had to go through that. I am sure your parents are together in a much happier place.
Listening to you speak has given me hope. Not because you are going through more, but because you are going through so much and can still be beautiful.
I have happier days, but others are just worse.
No one knew of my pregnancy apart from my ex and he didnt even believe it happened. I have to deal with the trauma of an abortion everyday with no one to help me through it. No one will understand. Though I am young and still have alot ahead of me. I cant look at the future because my present seems big enough to block my view. I know I have alot of self healing to do. It has become alot harder because of my lonliness. I am so glad I arrived at this forum where I can talk to people who will understand my pain.
I have gotten down on my knees and prayed like a child who believes in Santa. Nothing seems to be looking up. Maybe this is God's plan for me. To go through pain, so that, like you, I can help someone else in pain because I simply understand.
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really do need them more than anything.
I will pray for you and your family.
lots of love
Hey Akasha,
I know you are in a lot of pain right now sweetie and I feel for you I really do.
I am so sorry about the domestic violence you had to suffer through, I can’t imagine how helpless you must have felt as a little child watching that.
Sweetie are you getting therapy i think it would really help.
And hunny I know in regards to the abortion how much of an overwhelming decision it must have been and how alone you must feel. Sweetie things will get better. I know a lady, a very beautiful lady, kind and caring, loving and sharing, and would do anything for her family…who found herself in a pretty bad situation with a pregnancy, she ended up having an abortion…she spent years wracked with guilt over the situation…praying and praying and confessing over and over again to the priests hoping for a ray of light. When she went to a priest who told her that “God had already forgiven her, she just needed to forgive herself”…at the moment a weight had been lifted off…and she knew she had been forgiven and she could forgive herself.
so sweetie I think you should talk to a therapist and get help, you’ve been through so much as of late…you need to forgive yourself and you need to give your heart peace.
Please rest yourself over the holidays and try to remember what a kind and giving person you are.
Love you hun
Moongal x