I really don't know what to do right now. Yesterday at some point I decided not to eat anymore. Then in the evening I was researching for ways to get back into healthy eating again.
So today my thoughts are going back and forth between 'you've got to eat' and 'no, you're not allowed anything other than liquids'. I feel horrible for having eaten eggwhites (one of the foods that I ussually allow myself). I feel I simply can't handle my thoughts anymore.
And after another b/p yesterday I made myself a list of 'reasons why I should stop b/p' just to make myself try really hard today to not do it. But with all these thoughts going on, it's all I want to do cause it's the only thing I know will stop me feeling and thinking.
Why is it so hard to break out of this horribl and self-destructive cycle? I can't do it, I've been in it for too long.
How can you battle this when you don't even last a day?
Hi Maedi, I've been in your position before and the only thing that snapped me out of it and quickly was that my health deteriorated quickly with clumps of hair coming out on the shower, as well my doctor told me that I wouldn't bare children if I stayed on that path. I transitioned into a healthy eating plan and it took me a while to get to a place where I was able to find what worked for my body and felt good for me. So many years later, I have stayed on a healthy eating plan and exercise program. I've never felt better about my body. I look at myself and feel so proud of myself. I want you to look in the mirror and see a healthy you, I want you to tell yourself that feeding your body healthy nourishing foods will empower you and make you feel good for the long-term. Don't think only about today and right now, think about the long-term effects that b/p will have on your body. I am just letting you know what worked for me. The health impact on my body scared me straight. I want to live a long healthy life and in order to do so, I have to nourish my mind, body and soul.
I can feel you and what you are going through. I go through periods of relapse after being "normal" for long periods of time. Stress, relationship issues and daily life sometimes triggers times of relapse. I know how depressing and hopeless I feel when I am at these times. I am currently battling the same vicious thoughts as I have recently relapsed. The only thing that I can do at this time is accept the fact these thoughts are miserable and keep reasurring myself that if I do break the cycle and just eat normal even after a B/P in a few days I will feel better. I need to get to that point again and still need to manage my thoguhts and stress so I don;t relapse again. I found this site so I am hopeing this will be a tool to get me to the healthy me that I know that I can be :_) Stay in touch
it is a hard hard struggle to break free from --i compare it to heroin, one of the hardest things to break free of. but it is doable and can happen with the right help. but you need help. it is too hard to do this alone: you need therapy , support, freinds that can help you, maybe a support group. you need as big of a support group you can make for yourself.
it really is so great to eat regularly and feel alive again. well, i do have relapses sometimes but i catch them fast. it is so important for your body to be feed consistently . it is very very important for your health as i think we forget that EDs can be dangerous / fatal.
Maureen, it is such a huge motivation to hear that despite relapses you still stay strong and keep going. That’s the issue for me, to always think that my Ed will never be completely gone so why even bother trying to fight it?
But you’re right, every day without ED is a day won!
You can do it Maureen, one day at a time and if you feel the urge, get on here and type your feelings, everyday you will feel stronger and better. Then you can reap the benefits of how good you feel.
I have to fight the urge too.. I know what your going through, but the healthy "me" is the vision I want to see :)
Try to stay away from negativity and surround yourself around postive words and people.
Maedi,
This is a horrible cycle to try to break, but you CAN do it!! Because it's so complex and not only behaviors, but based on emotional distress, you really need professional guidance about how to approach it. I know it's truly a roller coaster, but you can choose to get off, when you have the proper support system, accountability and gentle support. Please hang tough and be gentle with yourself!! Take care...Jan ♥