Its been awhile since I have posted anything about my life and since I can’t sleep I thought maybe typing something out might help sort through the trainwreck that is my brain these days.
Let me start by saying I am oddly content in my life right at the moment and I know that I really shouldn’t be. I am in the middle of a Chapter 13 Bankruptcy and am internally stressed out over the fact that I have like no money to live on for the next 5-years (thank goodness I live with my parents or I would really be in trouble), but I also acknowledge that I did this to myself because I have a spending problem and I kind of think the accountability is what is keeping me so level at the moment.
Don’t get me wrong, I have moments of depression over everything going on, and how trapped I kind of am in my job for awhile; but I am trying to stay positive because at the end of the day with as much debt as I have this is my only option to get out from under it. My biggest fear isn’t the money, its actually something happening in my life that I can’t afford and my dad finding out that I put myself in this predicament…again.
I am going to be 39-years old on April 1st, and I can admit that I still live in fear of disappointing my parents. Logically I know it doesn’t matter because the damage has been done and I am doing what I have to do to fix it, but my dad isn’t always the nicest guy and he would not be pleased to know that I f*cked myself over again. The emotional abuse that would come from him having that knowledge would be brutal. Especially because he knows that I have a good job and I live here only because my mom has an irrational fear of being alone in her old age (and also its just a financially better option for me since I work so much I am never home anyways).
My birthday coming up has really made me super nostalgic for the person I was when I was younger, and her dreams. If you had told me back then that I would still be here in this bedroom living what seems like a twisted and kind of depressing remake of the movie groundhogs day I would have laughed; but here we are…
Everyday is kind of the same for me. I know that I have people in my life trying to connect with me too which makes it worse because I am so stressed out and preoccupied that I am struggling to connect with people the way I normally do. I want to care about their problems, but my problems just seem to take up more of my energy and I am left just feeling so freaking drained at the end of the day. Like to the point that I can’t even form complete sentences. I suppose it doesn’t help that my whole job is me talking to people online and making phone calls either.
I just hope that this all passes eventually. On the bright side though, I now have to live on a budget and I am hoping that I will learn how to live within my means so that I don’t ever do this again.
If you learn anything from me… one or two emergency credit cards. period. No more than that. Its nothing but a headache waiting to happen.