Thoughts before bed

Its been awhile since I have posted anything about my life and since I can’t sleep I thought maybe typing something out might help sort through the trainwreck that is my brain these days.

Let me start by saying I am oddly content in my life right at the moment and I know that I really shouldn’t be. I am in the middle of a Chapter 13 Bankruptcy and am internally stressed out over the fact that I have like no money to live on for the next 5-years (thank goodness I live with my parents or I would really be in trouble), but I also acknowledge that I did this to myself because I have a spending problem and I kind of think the accountability is what is keeping me so level at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong, I have moments of depression over everything going on, and how trapped I kind of am in my job for awhile; but I am trying to stay positive because at the end of the day with as much debt as I have this is my only option to get out from under it. My biggest fear isn’t the money, its actually something happening in my life that I can’t afford and my dad finding out that I put myself in this predicament…again.

I am going to be 39-years old on April 1st, and I can admit that I still live in fear of disappointing my parents. Logically I know it doesn’t matter because the damage has been done and I am doing what I have to do to fix it, but my dad isn’t always the nicest guy and he would not be pleased to know that I f*cked myself over again. The emotional abuse that would come from him having that knowledge would be brutal. Especially because he knows that I have a good job and I live here only because my mom has an irrational fear of being alone in her old age (and also its just a financially better option for me since I work so much I am never home anyways).

My birthday coming up has really made me super nostalgic for the person I was when I was younger, and her dreams. If you had told me back then that I would still be here in this bedroom living what seems like a twisted and kind of depressing remake of the movie groundhogs day I would have laughed; but here we are…

Everyday is kind of the same for me. I know that I have people in my life trying to connect with me too which makes it worse because I am so stressed out and preoccupied that I am struggling to connect with people the way I normally do. I want to care about their problems, but my problems just seem to take up more of my energy and I am left just feeling so freaking drained at the end of the day. Like to the point that I can’t even form complete sentences. I suppose it doesn’t help that my whole job is me talking to people online and making phone calls either.

I just hope that this all passes eventually. On the bright side though, I now have to live on a budget and I am hoping that I will learn how to live within my means so that I don’t ever do this again.

If you learn anything from me… one or two emergency credit cards. period. No more than that. Its nothing but a headache waiting to happen.

3 Hearts

Hi. Im sorry that this is making you spin out of control into depression and anxiety. Are you able to make payments small ones to try to start paying off debt???

1 Heart

This all sounds really hard, you are doing your best to fix what you broke through shopping addiction and spending and you can’t even be honest with your parents because they won’t support you if you are. That is a tough spot to be in. I am glad you are here and I hope that the support you get here helps a little and makes some of the roughness a little less harsh.

1 Heart

the debt is huge thing i know. The fact you are dreaming a little and remembering the past you is nice i think. I like to also look back and think about my past dreams, i try to use that to look forward and what changes i want to make in my life to try and bring back some of those dreams or atleast thoughts of similar dreams for my future. .

You are still very young, and have plenty of time to get ahead in life, Don’t worry, The situation with your father sounds not great.

1 Heart

Hello @MagiaMoonlight. We are so sorry to hear about the layers of this complicated situation and your experiences. While it may not be easy, I promise that this will all turn out okay. Everything takes time, patience, and baby steps. We are here for you to support and listen. Thank you for sharing.

1 Heart

How are you doing friend?

1 Heart