***Trigger Warning***(emotional overwhelm, workplace harassment)
Based on my own research I strongly believe I have BPD. I have had such a difficult time getting and keeping jobs. It confirms my belief that the real world is too hard for me to deal with which is a belief I want to change. It has been keeping me stuck for far too long. Lately I have confronted the fact that the reason I am not keeping jobs is because I don't know how to sustain my relationships. I become extremely anxious about what people think of me and can be perfectionistic to the point of quitting when I don't have a perfectly accommodating work environment. It's no small thing. I am an extremely sensitive person in more ways than one so the work environment really does matter but I also need to be able to cope with it when it's not perfect and I haven't figured out a way to do that yet. I've decided to stop applying to caregiving-type jobs with high turnover/burnout rates. I can be excellent at them but it can't find a way of doing them that doesn't make me completely miserable. The work is meaningful but I give too much of myself away and burn out quickly. Then I have no energy left for myself and hate and resent working at all and become too fatigued. I don't want to keep doing that. I had a job I thought I was really going to grow into until I was seriously harassed by a coworker. I was so anxious going into work the next day that I became really ill right before my shift and my boss sent me home. I'm not interested in trying to looking successful at the expense of my own mental health. I've tried that too and it is a short road.
I'm no longer pursuing jobs where I am so personally involved. But then I'm afraid it will be so meaningless to me that I will quit out of painful boredom. I've had those jobs too. I also hated it.
I've been through a lot. I've healed a lot. I plan to continue learning and growing, but it seems like no matter how hard I push myself, how much time off I have, or how hard I take care of myself, I keep ending up in basically the same place. Which is unemployed and trying to figure out what I need to be doing next to move forward in my life and in my recovery. I've tried going back to school a few times and dropped out before finishing the term both times. I tried new things and I really wanted to make them work but I get so emotionally overwhelmed I can't force myself to focus on certain things. I just want to live and not make myself completely miserable in the process. I'm afraid to keep trying at this point because I don't to quit one more thing. I want all my ducks in a row and I want to be resilient and learn through my mistakes instead of quitting or running away. But when things get bad I need to be able to take care of myself too. I haven't figured out a way to do both.
I am convinced my block largely has to do with my insecurities about how I handle relationships. I don't have many long-term relationships. I probably need to go to a group of some kind like for DBT or something to help in the context of relationships. I think that is my answer. I have done a lot of group therapy and I believe in the recovery process but I am so paralyzed with fear and anxiety at opening up too much about something or being too vulnerable, or triggering someone, or being triggered to the point that I need help to get back in the present (all of those things have happened at some point and it was not pretty). I have a great therapist right now who is really nice and supportive but she doesn't treat BPD or specialize in DBT. Open to any support or feedback except tell me to pull myself up by my bootstraps. These boots don't have straps. It's not for lack of trying. I need a new set of skills and a way to practice them where I can make mistakes. If you read any or all of this, thank you. This is my first post here so please correct me if there is something out of place.