***Trigger Warning***(emotional overwhelm, workplace harassm

***Trigger Warning***(emotional overwhelm, workplace harassment)

Based on my own research I strongly believe I have BPD. I have had such a difficult time getting and keeping jobs. It confirms my belief that the real world is too hard for me to deal with which is a belief I want to change. It has been keeping me stuck for far too long. Lately I have confronted the fact that the reason I am not keeping jobs is because I don't know how to sustain my relationships. I become extremely anxious about what people think of me and can be perfectionistic to the point of quitting when I don't have a perfectly accommodating work environment. It's no small thing. I am an extremely sensitive person in more ways than one so the work environment really does matter but I also need to be able to cope with it when it's not perfect and I haven't figured out a way to do that yet. I've decided to stop applying to caregiving-type jobs with high turnover/burnout rates. I can be excellent at them but it can't find a way of doing them that doesn't make me completely miserable. The work is meaningful but I give too much of myself away and burn out quickly. Then I have no energy left for myself and hate and resent working at all and become too fatigued. I don't want to keep doing that. I had a job I thought I was really going to grow into until I was seriously harassed by a coworker. I was so anxious going into work the next day that I became really ill right before my shift and my boss sent me home. I'm not interested in trying to looking successful at the expense of my own mental health. I've tried that too and it is a short road.
I'm no longer pursuing jobs where I am so personally involved. But then I'm afraid it will be so meaningless to me that I will quit out of painful boredom. I've had those jobs too. I also hated it.

I've been through a lot. I've healed a lot. I plan to continue learning and growing, but it seems like no matter how hard I push myself, how much time off I have, or how hard I take care of myself, I keep ending up in basically the same place. Which is unemployed and trying to figure out what I need to be doing next to move forward in my life and in my recovery. I've tried going back to school a few times and dropped out before finishing the term both times. I tried new things and I really wanted to make them work but I get so emotionally overwhelmed I can't force myself to focus on certain things. I just want to live and not make myself completely miserable in the process. I'm afraid to keep trying at this point because I don't to quit one more thing. I want all my ducks in a row and I want to be resilient and learn through my mistakes instead of quitting or running away. But when things get bad I need to be able to take care of myself too. I haven't figured out a way to do both.

I am convinced my block largely has to do with my insecurities about how I handle relationships. I don't have many long-term relationships. I probably need to go to a group of some kind like for DBT or something to help in the context of relationships. I think that is my answer. I have done a lot of group therapy and I believe in the recovery process but I am so paralyzed with fear and anxiety at opening up too much about something or being too vulnerable, or triggering someone, or being triggered to the point that I need help to get back in the present (all of those things have happened at some point and it was not pretty). I have a great therapist right now who is really nice and supportive but she doesn't treat BPD or specialize in DBT. Open to any support or feedback except tell me to pull myself up by my bootstraps. These boots don't have straps. It's not for lack of trying. I need a new set of skills and a way to practice them where I can make mistakes. If you read any or all of this, thank you. This is my first post here so please correct me if there is something out of place.

1 Heart

I think that you have a lot of strength and courage. You're in therapy (which not everyone who needs help has the strength or courage to seek help), you've worked on yourself, and you want to continue to work on yourself and grow. That's truly amazing.

Have you talked to your therapist about BPD? It's great that you have a wonderful therapist. That is so crucial to healing. Anytime I have questions or concerns about a possible diagnosis, I bring it up to my therapist to get her thoughts on it. Sometimes she agrees with me, and other times she doesn't.

It sounds like a change in jobs would be good for you. I'm not sure what your actual title/job is. A job that doesn't have a huge turnover/burn out rate is a great start though. What is your job? Education level? The answers can help me direct you to different fields.

Please continue to post anytime you need to talk or vent. You're not alone.

1 Heart

@Justwanttobeloved Thank you for your thoughtful comment! It really made my day. I have talked to my therapist about BPD. I don’t know that she is comfortable making that diagnosis herself since she doesn’t usually treat personality disorders but she is very supportive of me exploring treatment options for it. It’s something I have researched and given a lot of thought to. Honestly I much prefer finding my own diagnosis and seeking out treatment for it than someone telling me I have a condition I don’t agree with or know nothing about. That’s how I got treatment for my eating disorder. I figured it out way before my therapist and psychiatrist at the time. They were not very supportive or helpful but I kept reaching out until someone would take me seriously and I eventually got the help I needed. Not the typical ED recovery story. But, hey. I’m full of surprises.
I am not currently employed. I have worked various places, hospitals, day care, various medical organizations, mostly in the role of a helper. I have had some college but I have not finished a degree due to mental health challenges among other things. But if I can get treatment for it I think I would feel more confident about returning to school and finding a better fitting job. I’m open to feedback!

I really relate to a lot of things you said. I used to be like that more before I started taking medication. Then I continued to work on it. Now I don’t work at all when I could if I could just find a good fit and get some momentum.
Knowing what is going on with you is important.
Then life experience is what helps the most. Journal things. So you can look back and reflect.
I had no idea what was going on with me until after so much damage was done.

2 Hearts

@LollyNews Thank you for your comment. I do keep journals they are so helpful especially with my memory problems. I try not to collect things but I keep all kinds of receipts and documents that I can. I just recently learned that there are particular kinds of memory issues that are common in BPD not due to brain damage or another memory-related illness. Who knew!