Funny how I can feel like constant sht and completely numb at the same time. Then one stupid little thing happens. Suddenly I am completely flooded with panic and despair. All I want to do is jump through the fcking window and run. Run till I drop and hopefully die. I am done. I’m so done. I don’t want to do this anymore. Why can’t anyone help me. Why can’t I help myself. I just want the suffering to stop.
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I need an out. I need to run away someplace and be alone. Someplace I can’t hurt anyone other than myself. Someplace that I’m free to do my own.
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Felt like that myself . But you need to reach out to someone if you can. I end up in a bad place sat in the emergency room crying down the phone to my family . Hit the bottom.
Today I drove in circles for an hour. Parking randomly at times because I was falling apart. I couldn’t make up my mind to go home and get one solution or if I should just drive and find a cliff. Ha driving in circles because I can’t make up my mind on how to kill myself. Ultimately I drove home and just went to bed. You know reaching out to people gets old when your crisis lasts for days or months on end. They grow tired of being there for you. At this point I only have 1 person really left to be there. The saddest part is I pay for it.
I’ve spent the last 2 days googling if a bullet will go through the roof of my car if I were to shoot myself in it.
Or would it be better to go for a hike and do it there where I can become a part of nature again.
Theres my favorite the local wall of rock that this town has had so many people drive into at high speeds over the years.
So many ways I could do it.
Why do we fight so hard to keep someone here who doesn’t want to be here? It’s simply selfish if you think about it. Our world is overpopulated. Our society is strained with poverties and those who can’t function. Yeah there’s a code of help your neighbor to help manage social regulations and behaviors. But if someone wants to leave so bad why not let them. One less strain. One less burden
I can’t imagine living with the pain you’ve described. I’ve seen your posts often and I can empathize.
I think I recall that you have tried numerous treatments and none have offered relief. People always say (and are always right) that a medical breakthrough could happen tomorrow. It’s true. Science is cool like that.
In the US, we allow pets to be euthanized when their suffering is inhumane. We do not allow the same dignity to people. It has long-broken my heart.
Any help we have to offer is a bandaid until that breakthrough of science.
The reason I tell people to “hold on” is because I am so very fortunate to see how beautiful life can be. We hold out hope that maybe, you can have that beautiful life, too.
While you live, there is hope.
If you kill yourself, nothing can ever help you again.
That’s pretty final.
May I ask how much your marriage/significant relationship may be affecting how depressed you are?
Funny I always say we show more grace to animals suffering than we do to humans. I’m sure a big chunk of my problem is I’m stuck in my life situation. But who knows. At this point in the game I am most likely the biggest problem. I’m the dumb *ss who got to this point in life and allowed all safety lines to be cut. I’m just sorry I dragged others here with me. Truly selfish. I wish there was a euthanasia protocol.
My marriage at this point is a trap. He is constantly going through my stuff and then blaming me for whatever he disapproves of. He’s put tracking devices on my vehicles. He’s like Mr Hyde/Dr jackle. I never know how he’s going to be. Though it’s pretty safe to assume that he will be mad at me for something. If he’s upset, then everyone takes the brunt of it. He purposely does things to turn my kids against me. To make them think that I don’t love them enough. But I’m dependent on him. On his paycheck, insurance. And it’s funny how those who you thought would always be there to support you run the second it gets real.
The stupidest part. I love him. He can be a really good person when he wants to. I use to see that other person (good person) far more often. But now I only get glimpses.
At this point I’m not entirely sure he hasn’t Tracked me to this site. Which calling him out will only make him more pissed at me. I think I also secretly wish that he will put me out of my misery. I believe he’s more capable than I am.
Hi!
It’s me again. I hope you are feeling somewhat better considering overall the way you feel. What do you mean when you say that you allowed all safety ties to be cut? Just wondering.
I think for us it is important to stay and get help. Depression, anxiety and panic are things that suck to deal with, but everything can change.
How are you doing now?
Still alive another day.
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Happy to read this! 