Trying to decide where to go and what to focus on moving for

Trying to decide where to go and what to focus on moving forward. I've had two religious leaders tell me different things.

One said that I should try to stop everything cold turkey ... one of those "Just don't do it" talks. I hesitate to try this because the longest I've ever gone without masturbating was 89 days. The second longest was 27 days. Other than those two times, I've never made it more than two weeks. I go into it knowing I'm going to screw up at some point, so I set myself up for failure before I even begin.

The second leader told me I should focus on the big stuff ... not having sex with other women ... and get that under control before I worry about the porn and masturbation. This is easier to do than quitting everything all together, but it's only easier until an opportunity presents itself.

I'm thinking of something in between ... trying to stop seeing other women and stop the porn, but allow myself to masturbate still.

FYI ... I know masturbation is considered "okay" for a lot of people, but not in my religion. I'm expected to stay clean of anything and everything except sex with my wife.


might sound like a stupid question but if you could stop all together. would you? i ask because to me not having enough and having to much are equal problems and each present their own issues. my addiction only starts destroying my life when im not getting any. others may think that doing it all the time is an issue but it's not to me. having a stupidly high sex drive is great in my opinion as long as you have morals and your in a position where you can have sex on demand. given the choice i wouldn't get rid of my addiction. it's part of who i am. i only wish i could cope with it better when i cant have it. im a lot better then i used to be. before if i had to go 1 day without it i would go full on psycho at the poor bloke. now i have to go a month - a month and a half without on a regular basis. it just breaks me. by the end of it im a total mess. each day it gets harder and harder to cope. i love my partner with all my heart. hes my soul mate. i would never cheat on him or leave him. i just wish he would f**k me as much as he w**ks. id be the happiest girl alive lol

Not a stupid question ... I've asked myself this many times. Would I stop if I could? Probably. But it depends on the day. In reality, I wish I had an on/off switch. I wish I could turn it off when I need to, and turn it on when I want it. But then again, this approach probably isn't best for an addict. I'm like you, when I don't have it I start to go crazy. My mind goes nuts and I can't focus on anything. Unlike you, though, I don't stay committed. If it's really hitting me one day, I either have to masturbate 10 times to get through the day, or I end up going to get a massage or wind up in the hot tub with a prostitute. If there were no religious demands, I wouldn't care. I would jack off all day every day, enjoy porn (and turn it up rather than watch it in silence), enjoy my sexual opportunities with other women ... BUT religion IS a part of my life. Right now I don't have a lot of faith, so I do a lot of it for my kids, but I want to get to the point where I'm also doing it for me.

its just not even an option to me. i don't have many moral objections but what i do believe in, i stand up for. for my whole life people have just hurt me so much that it stopped hurting and made me into a monster i don't even recognise in the mirror. i'm enough bad things without being unfaithful. i have always chosen to hurt myself in place of hurting others especially the ones i love. my partner can't help being addicted to porn any more then i can help being addicted to sex. i don't mind him watching it at all. i used to make porn so id be one hell of a hypocrite. my issue is that masturbating for him gives him full gratification so he will say to me. just masturbate if you need it. he doesn't get that i could do it till im so **** sore i can't even wear pants and i still wouldn't be satisfied. it does nothing for me. i do it out of desperation. just cause i have to do something :/ i did it at work again today. one of the lads i work with noticed id been gone a while and said about time when i came out of the loo. i said sorry mate was having a w**k haha. he laughed back. thought i was joking. i wish i was. i would never choose to masturbate over having sex. do you have a choice? if so why do you choose to watch people having sex over actually getting it?

I've often wondered that about people who do porn ... do you think being on that side of things, where sex is probably less emotional, has helped create this need for you? Is it really about the actual sex act, or is it about being close to someone? Why do you think you're a monster? Yes, you have a high sex drive, but I'd say you're head and shoulders above those of us who haven't figured out how to be faithful. It takes a lot of strength and courage to stay true, even when your needs aren't being met all the time. It's nice you work where you can get away with stuff like that ... I would be fired in a heartbeat.

Yes, I have a choice between masturbating and sex. I can have sex whenever I want. I have three women I'm currently seeing (although I told them all yesterday that I have to stop), and there is always the option of prostitution. Honestly, though, I think I would choose masturbation. It's quick, it's easy, and it makes the urges go away instantly. I love sex, but I would rather not have it be a part of my life. It's not emotional, it's tied to so much shame, grief, and pain ... and really, it's stupid. How can so much of my life revolve around something as stupid as sliding this in there. There is so much else to life ... why can't I focus on that?

no iv always been able to separate love and lust. so that you can feel them for the same person but you can also feel one and not the other. i feel both for my partner but they are still separate. when it comes to love i want to be treated like a princess. but in bed i want to be treated like a wh**e. im pretty sure that its about dominance. i think i don't like pleasing myself cause im in control and i hate it. the whole feeling ashamed after thing i think is because i started masturbating when i was a little girl. not old enough to understand what i was doing. used to do it in front of people and they would shout at me and tell me to stop. the monster thing i won't go to much into but i am mentally ill. long story short i have nine personalities. 8 of them are absolute (cant post bad words) and then theres just me. i know im strong i have no choice not to be. lol i think i would get sacked if they thought i was telling the truth. we all have good banter and its usually rude so they assumed i was just being a classy lady hahahaha. maybe you can learn to separate the feelings to. love and lust. the aim being that you are able to have sex with your wife who you love but with no emotional attachment (guessing thats how you feel with the other women) hence why you cheat?

Yeah, I get that ... the idea of wanting to be loved, but always wanting to get nasty and dirty in bed. I think I am similar. I love the idea of love ... romance ... holding hands ... flowers ... but I also love the dirty side of porn and love hot sweaty passionately crazy sex. I don't know how to separate that and have it with my wife. We have sex, but it's just sex most of the time. And yes, it's usually just sex with the other women, too, unless they're new and we're going through that whole "new relationship" phase. It still has emotion then, but it eventually just turns to sex.

I've never known anyone with multiple personalities. Is it something you are comfortable talking about? How do you manage it and still function with work, boyfriend, etc.? Are you still able to reach out for help and support when you don't feel like you're "you"? I hope you can.

I'm glad you have a good group of friends at work. I work with all women, no men, so I have to be a little classier in person than I am in my head. :)

well good news it is possible to =] yeh im totally comfortable talking about it. the reason i don't is because i have been through that being the worst thing in my life. it nearly killed me but it didn't. so i win. every day i fight it and i win. it seems ridiculous that i can do that and yet i cant cope with being horny haha. i try not to go to much into it because this group is for sex addiction and i don't want to distract from it. same reason im not in groups for depression anxiety or ocd. yeh it does effect me in every way it could but again. im done with being broken and feel unbreakable now. that is until i need a s**g again then i crumble to pieces and it all falls apart. like wheyyyy i just got layed im on top of the world.......... 1 week later, don't mind me i always sit and rock in corners and pull my hair out. yeh the people i work with are cool. they have dirty minds, so we get on fine. till i go to far and scare them off lol. sometimes i forget to censor it and talk like im back on the porn site

I'm glad you are able to cope with the personalities, but I don't think that means dealing with being horny is any easier. The "horny" part of the brain is very powerful. It's the same part that's responsible for fight or flight, so it has a lot of control it can wield on the body. Plus, it's my understanding that when it is turned on, the rational "control" part of the brain is less effective. So don't beat yourself up too much about that.

I'm glad you feel unbreakable. Weaknesses can become our strengths if we learn how to manage them ... so good on ya!