*******TW*****
******.... I'm feeling ******. I haven't been on here in a hot minute, but long story short, I finally left. We, my son n I, finally left, after 10 years. The same month we were supposed to actually, finally have a ceremony, since we got married privately, (we were supposed to have a full wedding in 2016 but that didn't happen) let's just say a lot of ****, um, went on, n in so many ways it just got disrespectful. It was physical in the past, over the years, but this, was on a completely different level of straight disrespectful. And unsafe. - but I was sleeping on an air mattress in my livingroom, because I couldn't take sleeping in a bed alone that I wasn't alone in, not to mention everything else in between. Then slowly starting to pack up the house, (what I could without him noticing) -Then all of a sudden he was going on a fishing trip for 4 days. I knew that was our only chance, we had to take it. So we did. It's been a little over 4 months since we moved out... sometimes, most times, I feel like I feel more dead inside now than I did before we left. I try to stay busy, working n constantly moving, but at this point I don't know if it's helping or making it worse. But I can't stand the silence, I feel like that alone will push me too far. I honestly don't even know.... right now, there's not much I feel like I know, or what exactly I expect or hope to get from this post, but if nothing else, at least I get it out of my head. But **** has the 135 days I have cut free been weighing on me.... Why can't I let him go? Like I just need to, I wish I could erase him from my memory, from my heart, from my soul.... all of it. Because I honestly don't know how much longer I can be 'strong' enough to deal n feel this pain so I can process it all n make peace so I can move forward, n move forward in a healthy way. I'm the one that walked away, my son said it was time for us to go, (it's his step dad- father not In picture).... we had to. So why do I feel like a pos for walking away? Why do I feel like I quit n gave up on him/us? When he made sure there wasn't an us for too long now. Why is he perfectly fine n unaffected, n I'm still struggling every day just to wake up every day?
I think most people that leave feal guilty or like the one that gave up even though it was the other person that that really ended it. I knew someone that cheated on their wife and didn't treat her right either, she finally met someone else and left her husband. The "husband" came unglued called her the bad guy because she left the marriage bad mouthed her to anyone that would listen he even told people " yeah I cheated but I didn't leave the marriage"! As if it was all ok what he did because he didn't leave the marriage, she did.
You are not the bad guy. Give yourself a break ok. You did the best thing you could do. He's the one that made it so bad and unhealthy that you had no choice. Try to be kinder to yourself. He let you down big time that's why it hurts so bad. I'm sure for a long time you thought you had someone that you could count on and that would love you but he wasn't that person. You and your son are worth so much better so much more, you wouldn't treat someone the way he did right? Do nice things for yourself no matter how small and celebrate you and your sons freedom. Make some fun plans for you and your son on the weekends even if it's just making dinner together and watching a show, go for walks together just to get outside and be together.
I think we can glorify the good times, and minimize the not good. It takes time to realize how the cold shoulder, the silent treatments, the INDIFFERENCE can harm us. Because it's the absence of love. I think over time we can start to shut down, when we see how little we mean to someone, and we almost think maybe we expect too much. But the truth is, that we expect too little. Maybe we are used to experienxes in childhood or life, where people didnt pay us attention, think we were special or loveable, we learned to erase ourselves so others could be seen. And we revolved our life around the feelings of people who are emotionally disconnected and indifferent, while ignoring the people who actually matter, like your son in this case. Your son is someoke who deserves your full attention and love, not this trashman. You might feel numb but dont forgrt your child is in need of your emotional availability, he isnt the one to discuss your relationship with rhw person with. Im saying that b3cause somtimes people lean on their kids through a divorce, my mom certainly did, ans it made me a parentified child. I had to be the one telling my mom thw right thinfs to do (aka LEAVE an avusive partner), had to twll her how to wmotionally regulate as a child, had to stop being a kid so I could watch her cry, listwj to her talk about my father. Dont talk about his step dad. Not unless he brings it up, and then supporting his feelings aboit it. And you can do that by having your own access to mental health support here or if you can, preferably a professional. It's better to get help early rather than later. you'ee in shock but this is really crucial time. Remember your worth, ajd how little this guy cares. I PROMISE you he does not care. Respect the reasons you are leaving. Trust the decision, and thw fact you have to run away while he was gone, speaks volumes.
To both people who commented.... thank you. Your words have n do mean so much! Honestly, I can say that I keep my son out of it. He still talks to my ex, n I think that's good. I watched as they went from Jon & buddy, to Daddy & baby, so it warms my heart knowing he can still have daddy there, right? My son is turning 15. I tell him all the time to enjoy being the kid while he can, that I'm ok, n I'll continue to be ok n get better with time. Day by day. That's all we can do. But I also don't talk to anyone outside my son either, so I tend to just continue to bottle it all up :/ I appreciate the kind words n supports, you both have touched my heart tonight, and I thank you both.
Time is a great healer. Even if you made wrong choices or did things in ways you may think are bad, you did what you thought was right at the moment. Time is your friend. You can look back and think what you could have done differently but the best thing to do is live in the present and learn from the past so you don't make mistakes in the future. I'l tell you from experience that what the future holds could shock you. It's so impossible to predict. Just keep working hard and taking care of your son and everything will work out. There is nothing that can't be overcome in life. All you have to do is sit back and make the decision to enjoy everything no matter what happens.
@eddie1975 how are you bro ? I’m still around I hope things are going good for you and your comment is true time is a great healer
I think social isolation, has a big impact. I hope you try to find a community center or join a local support group, or try to find one through mental health centers in your area. That, AND also joining clubs where normal people go, whicj can be really grounding as well, to be reminded of normal human interactions and conversations. I think just average normal people are a big point of strength, whp are not experiencing trauma, because thats where you can laugh and focus more on resiliency actions. In therapy you can have people who understand you, but because of trauma they can become overwhelming too. So a balance is needed. But definitely dont bottle anyrhing up, so important to gush out the unstuck emotions.
Just like what Blueberries1234 said. I hate this feeling of loneliness but I trap myself inside because of all of my hobbies. I really need to be out and doing things, but I find myself being caught up in wishing I had her back in my life. But that's never going to happen.
I have a hard time going out into communities. For the past 10 years, I wasn't allowed to have any friends, couldn't talk to anyone. N then right before we left, it got to the point of him having me ran off the road, he still has people following me. I brought my vehicle to a garage out of town n had them go through it, they pulled a tracker n a bug from inside my passenger side door speaker n on the side or my engine. N that's not including the microphone his brother's gf found under my driver's seat n another tracker that was underneath by my Catalytic Converters. He had someone pull the relays to my break lights, they took 1 n left the other one unplugged n out of place. N that's all just since right before we left up until about a month ago. I'm Towns away n I'm still constantly looking over my shoulder because I clearly can't trust anyone, anywhere. I'm constantly jumping back n forth over the insane n sane line. That's what he wanted tho, he wanted people to think I was crazy. Until I had proof. My son was seeing people hiding in our back yard thru his window. So going out anywhere really I have difficulties with. Anyone I do happen to talk to, I just tell them to be aware. He had someone cut the break line to my cousin's car. Thank God she was only going to the garage that day n had her husband following her when she found out she had no breaks. Time is definitely my friend, but at the same time, I almost feel like there's no escaping it. He didn't want me, clearly, so then why not let me go? This sh*t f*cks with me mentally.... all while I'm still trying to figure out what I did wrong? Why I wasn't enough.
@Unnamed19s A quick observation and recommendation here. It sounds like you may have a case of stockholm syndrome or survivor’s guilt, possibly both. You definitely need to shift your focus from the mistakes of the past to the hopes and plans of making a better future for you and your son. If possible I would recommend an organization like the YWCA or any group in your area for victims of domestic abuse. They will have resources and connections to help you in many ways. There will most likely be others that can relate because they have similar experiences. I believe it could be of great help to you if you can find a group in your area or look up the national domestic abuse hotline and get help finding resources in your area.