A lot of revelations about my relationship with men occoured over these past three months and being in a toxic relationship, I feel DRAINED this week. I realized I am not crazy for feeling unsafe around men and I dont need to block it out anymore.
I had more flashbacks of my past trauma, I am going through something currently that I am too scared to say on this site but my mind swings from ‘I will leave’ to ‘What are you waiting for do it NOW?’ ‘Maybe it can work out’, ‘You don’t deserve love so best if you stay and take it’, every day and the only way I cope is by napping and doing research and I told few people about this situation. I think I know the truth on what to do but does it hurt.
I learn about toxic relationships, mysogony and the dynamics between men and women realise about the society I live in, the more horrified I realised my beliefs were shaped by toxic and damaging beliefs society promoted and reading manga as well as watching anime and familial trauma I developed a disorted view on love.
Some days these flashbacks get too much but I am glad I am realizing the truth instead of pretending it never happened.
There are some days my mind goes to a dark place which is why I skip my medication and yes I know it will hurt my body. I still feel the dread that I felt for months now concerning lupus.
I never confided in many people about these issues due to shame and feeling scared most of the time. I think mentally I am in a rut so I will talk about it and find another way to deal with these intense emotions.
I edited it so it doesn’t feel so hopeless, I am just in an okay space now but I think I need a break from everything at this point.