War within

I’ve seen many post saying they wished they didn’t feel emotional, or hurt.
Doesn’t matter if it’s physical pain or mental.
It’s the same.
My chronic pain has set many things in motion.
I’ve been on all kinds of meds. All kinds.
Pain has changed who I am. It has taken my joy.
Sucked the life right out of me.
I used to be a social butterfly. A charmer.
For the past 10 years I’ve dealt with all kinds of issues.
And now, I don’t go anywhere, do anything.
My grandmother, my sister and my Dad died within a year of each other and I was not able to mourn their deaths. I don’t think I care.
I lost my best friend due to my chronic illnesses.
It’s changes you. Like it kills the soul. I miss the old me.
I would get in my car, drive for 18 hours to go visit a friend 2 states over.
What’s the point now:
I’m dead inside: not depressed. Dead.
Robbed of joy.
I have anger and bitterness.
People who do not suffer from chronic pain will never get that.
The war within.
Will never be won.
I’m not sure why I mentioned my family deaths.
It didn’t bother me then, nor does it bother me now.
What really bothers me, is my lack of empathy for people. I used to be empathetic. I cared.
Running on fumes. The war within is killing me.
Slow and painful
The Doctors in my town are clueless and inexperienced
They as well as I just don’t care

2 Hearts

Oh Sherri, I get it, it is hard, I am not in Chronic pain, but I am developing Hoshimotos, an autoimmune disease and it is hard, my body is attacking itself and I am perimenopause and the lack of information out there as to what is going on with your body is appalling. All this to say, I like, because you hear people complain about little things and you are like, you whiny baby, you have it so good. But I try to remember we are all fighting our own battles. My recommendation is to try to find doctors online who might be better than the ones you have. Doctors are on social media all the time with info and advice, its kind of cool, I found a really neat resource on FB for menopause. Anyway, hugs!

3 Hearts

Sheri, it was like you were reading my life! Ive been sick since my 20’s, when i got to 30, i couldnt do much. I was happy! I felt peace! But, like you said, im miserable! So much pain! I cant take much more. I have no more friends, i had 2 best friends, 1 died at age 35, the other friend just died this year. I do have a great pain dr. But ive been on same dose for so long, it doesnt do much, & with all the guide lines!!! They cant even prescribe what they would give me, due to insurance! My mom is to sick to do anything. I have a sister who doesnt call or come by, even though she lives 10 min away! I have 2 brothers that live 3 hours away. Im 54! I have no patience, my husband doesnt get it! He just complains that he does everything! Hes my husband! He knows what bad pain feels like! Im so ready to be with the Lord, & be at peace, no pain, no suffering. I went no where for thanksgiving, like every year! You would think my sister would bring a plate! If tables were turned, id make sure she wasnt alone! Or had no home meal! . My husband goes to his moms for christmas out of state. Im in MD. His mom lives in W.V. like 5 hours away, which i could never make that trip. I will say a Prayer for you. If u ever need to vent, im here & understand!! My name is Denise. Take care. Hang in there.

Oh hun, I am so sorry to hear that both your friends died, that is just so much sadness. I wish there was more that they could do for long term pain, it isn’t fair at all.

I struggled (and still struggle) with a constant pain loop. It’s draining and barely makes me want to move, but I’ve somewhat overcome the useless, resentful, powerless feelings by doing two things: really paying attention to my body and its triggers and figuring out solutions to easing the pain.

What I’m super pissed about though is that my husband’s company has the best healthcare benefits we’ve ever had, but, due to a mixup when enrolling in benefits, we were assigned to a healthcare plan that’s only good in our previous state (we relocated for his job). We’ve been going back and forth so long to get this fixed that we missed open enrollment for new employees for 2023 and 2024. Now, because he’s contacted them darn near every day, they’re getting an attitude and saying they fixed it and the problem was mostly his fault anyway. It’s like no compassion for the near constant pain I’m in. The key to my getting better is getting back into treatment so I can be under medical observation and care again. It’s like we’re so close, yet so far away.

The next thing I’m pissed about is that I wish my family and friends checked on me more. I’ve made peace for now, that if I want to hear from my family, I’m going to have to initiate the contact, but I am not giving the same grace to “friends.”

I can relate to what you’re saying for the most part. I was a jet mechanic for 20 years, so I have occasional back pain, and arthritis in my finger joints, knees, and my hip. All the years of people telling me lift with my knees, not with my back, and I kept lifting wheel axle jacks, giant hydraulic actuators, wheels, and carrying them up and down many flights of stairs and running long distances with them have finally caught up to me. I joke with my kids that I have rice crispies when I move, snap, crackle, pop.

I grew up on the East Coast, but live on the West Coast, so I don’t really have any friends perse, and being that I’m introverted and extremely private, I probably won’t make many, if any at all. I miss my old self too when I used to go to Church and make friends, and make friends at work, and have a social life.

I have kind of started living a more reclusive life of staying indoors all the time, and not getting out as much, so I lost a part of myself too. My former neighbors growing up died, my former boss died, 2 of my uncles died, I’m waiting for my day when it’s my turn to jump from the airplane into the unknown. I don’t have any family out here on the West Coast, no friends, and I’m a complete stranger to everyone around me. I made a career change, and now I telework, so I live and work in my bedroom, and never see or talk to anyone else much. I don’t put up a Christmas Tree or decorations because it’s not worth the effort without family members to celebrate it with. Life sucks sometimes and seems empty, but we have to keep going, like it or not. I run as my hobby and avenue to escape my problems and clear my head, which helps me keep going. You might try finding a hobby or adopting a pet. I have a cat that I have raised ever since she was a kitten, and I love her dearly like one of my own children, which gives me more of a reason to live, and I’m happy when I get to hug her, play with her, and pet her. This is just food for thought.

What part of Maryland are you from? I grew up in a region a little south of Salisbury, MD. I live on the west coast now, but my family is planning a family reunion coming up in about a year and a half, and they want to do that in the same place where I grew up. I used to go to Ocean City, MD sometimes, when I was a teenager. Anyway, I guess the point that I’m trying to make is that I know what it’s like when holidays seem empty and pointless because you don’t go anywhere or have anyone to celebrate them with. Pretty much all of my family members who are still alive, are on the East Coast, which is opposite of where I live right now, and I don’t really have any friends on the West Coast, so I know what that’s like when your holidays are meaningless. Anyway, you take care, and I hope things get better for you.

I cannot believe HR is being so awful! We have had issues with insurance and sometimes you just want to scream, I CANNOT FIX IT MYSELF! So who can help me?!