We go in a resturant and wife asks to sit at bar, hostess informed us they were short handed and bar wasn't open. She asks manager about sitting there and manager tells hostess to seat us. She does, at regular table which was fine with me, I don't drink. Wife starts to get upset with hostess and I tell hostess this will be fine, thank you. So wife orders margeritta and u have water. Wife never eats bread but when meals arrive she notices there is no bread and asks me to inquire about it. I do and informed correctly that they never have served bread with this meal and wife says oh, I don't eat bread. As usual her drink is not good, she asks to try my fried Brussels sprouts but complains they are blackened to much but proceeds to eat a few more. I needed a refill of water and took a drink of hers but asked first, I unkownlingly bit a piece of ice which she complained about. I know, I know these are trivial things but every meal is this way and it would be such a relief to have a normal, meal with no drama. Good food and pleasant conversation. She mentions vacation and the thought of going through this several times each day just spoils the thought of it. Anyone having to deal with similar situations?
I noticed you post this as narcissist post. Narcissists will create drama for supply. Likely, this will always continue n could even get worse if she notices it doesn’t bother you anymore. I never had issues with meals in restaurants with my ex husband. I did have almost daily drama I had to deal with from him though, and then it got dangerous to be with him. Perhaps, doing takeout more could help fix this situation? Have you ever asked her to go to therapy for her behavior? Hope things get better
@Foundlove I guess my non response in the past has fueled the issue. Its been going on for a long time and I’ve ignored it to avoid a fight. There’s always a issue, usually the food or service. Never satisfied with seating, almost always questioning the bill. Has to have meals prepared differently than on the menu and rarely is it prepared to her satisfaction. My bad for putting up with it.
@I_escaped mine is just the opposite. She turns it up a few notches with male waiters. I usually leave all them a good tip which really gets her going.
Narcissists will rarely go to therapy unless to lie/manipulate. Get therapy for yourself. Narcissists generally escalate as we become more healthy and less enabling. You Did nothing wrong. Be prepared for the temperature to rise as you become more aware.
@andine I’ve tried 2 different therapist. Seems impossible to find one in my area that is experienced with NPD. I cannot just simply walk away. Most people think that’s the easy solution, it isn’t in my case. I made bad choices for the wrong reasons. Its complicated.
Just my opinion with reactions to these behaviors....it depends on if you plan to stay with this intolerable narc. People who stay usually either get so programmed by the narc or they eventually become so gray they lose their personality or spirit (or both), which is devastating. People who reach the point of readiness to escape these monsters will sometimes "let it rip". I did both. I got to the point that I was so fed up with his horrible abuse and controlling me that I LET it rip wide open, I stayed myself and did nothing to console his raging beast attitude so that everyone would see what he was like. There were times that I pretended to be programmed to plan my escape and avoid being literally chained down. That pretense saved my life as he thought he had me in his grips and I was able to involve the law and succeed in ensuring no contact for life. I never had to say a word regarding my escape/divorce because by then everyone saw what he was like. If I had stayed muted, he would have continued trying to act like the good guy and that there was something wrong with me. She sounds annoying and hateful. Do you plan to stay with her?
@kelly72 I sorry but you just made me LOL as I read because I remember when. I held their hand all the way to court and back. Thought I had to lift him up in his favorite chair and move him out the house. My elder son now can see it has no love for himself and definitely no one else. They will definitely have you looking crazy for coco puffs in front of others. Thank God time reveals all things clearly. As it goes in baseball. We hit it out the park! Which makes us SAFE!!!
@countrytime OMG yes! Almost every time we go out to eat. The prices have gone up...there's too much ice in this pop...where's the waiter...there isn't enough meat in this soup...this isn't hot enough...this would be a good place to open a restaurant. He can go on and on about my food too. I thought you ordered salad, so where is it? The soup I mentioned? He keeps ordering it even though he claims he never finds any meat in it. He's not afraid to say all of the above loudly enough for the wait staff to hear, even if they're busy and shorthanded. He'll complain to anyone, and not quietly. It's not even fun to go out. Considering I'm an adult, I think I can handle complaining about my own food if need be, but no, he treats me like I'm incapable of doing that. I'm sorry you put up with this too. It's unbearable and embarrassing!
@LivingOnAPrayer lol, yes embarrassing and I completely understand. I’m pretty laid back most of the time and sometimes mess with her when eating at a Mexican resturant. She goes through this long ritual when ordering then I say today’s the 7th, ill have the #7 dinner.
Oh gosh, reading these.....oh the horrible memories of eating out with him. He pretended to be SO NICE and accommodating to them. Which in hindsight proved he was a cognitive narc just spitting out words he had learned from some therapist about how he "should" behave, but no emotional investments or sincerity. Here's what he really was at a diner: We stopped at a breakfast place, he put us in a far corner booth making ME face the wall so no one would see me, nor me see others. If I went to the bathroom, I was accused of looking at men! Stupid!!! Never mind my bladder was full, just men. Another: we were placed at a table in the middle of a diner, I couldn't turn my head to even look at the waiter or the decor...I had to be a statue. When I turned my head, he reached across the table with BOTH big fingers and shoved them into my face under my eyes (hard) and said "LOOK AT ME". I was FURIOUS. One more for now: I ordered fried catfish and my salad had onions. My choice. He loudly cancelled my order for me because they those things "stink" and HE didn't like them. Yes, he was ridiculous. So sooooooo glad he is a WAS.
@kelly72 that’s terrible. He was very extreme in his abuse and you are very lucky you got away and very blessed to have found the happiness you now enjoy. My situation has greatly improved in the past year or so. The beast still rears its ugly head occasionally but I’m almost afraid to say not like before. The upcoming holiday will be a major test so we’ll see. Hopefully everyone on here will have a happy peaceful weekend, we all have our struggles sometimes but reading some of the posts on here breaks my heart. Your story inspires and gives hope to many people.
This post was SO familiar, it's like you were eating out with my narc. Geez, deja vu for sure!
Good luck!
@Mighty_mert
Another instance and of all places Dairy Queen drive thru lol.
lol reminds me of my mother exactly, who has covert narcissism—then I saw the label attached to this post. x.x Get out, get out get out while you can. A slow drain on your life, a life of tolerating someone with a clenched heart. At least with a parent, I can find a way to leave by being an awful daughter, but theres no escape when you’re married. There is no vacation, ever. Ever. Let that sink in. I dont go home for the holidays, because I knlw being around my mother means I will experience a lotbof stress, I will be highly self conscious of what I say and how I say it, my actions and inactions. Additionally if you say anything, you apparenly make THEM uncomfortable and then they cry because theyre doing their best, and theu cant eveb complain. Theres no rest. Burnout is slow, constant, and manifests in serious health problems, hormonal imbalances, chronic illness like fibromyalgia and thyroid problems, depression, a criticism of one’s appearance and inherent self worth—although you may never ever catch the flu. Get out, get out while you can. Because their voice becomes yours over time. Go experience what normal people are like, otherwise tou will become so very jaded and feel like goodness doesnt exist.
Yeah, my ex wife who was a total narcissist would always have problems with any other females. She could find reasons to hate ANY other women no matter what. It was exhausting. I would just avoid any contact with any females because I didn’t want to deal with the drama she would create.