Well, I'm here and I found out there are women here who I can understand are trying to deal with ED in their own lives. I'm an intensely private person and my issues with this I've shared only with my wonderfully supportive wife and doctors only. I really thought about leaving the group simply because I preferred to unburden myself before men but at this point, I've been so personally devastated by this that I no longer care. I'll just be me here.
I'm 62, have had diabetes since I was 47 and slowly, surely, my struggle to keep it under control has finally cost me in several ways, and of course the loss of my ability to love my wife the way she deserves to be loved and the way I used to be able to do so has finally claimed me. I'm probaly 20 pounds or so overweight and I frankly struggle with my diet which doesn't help things either. But I'm active and used to go to the Y three times a week ever since I was 44. Unfortunately COVID issues really disrupted my discipline and I've been struggling to get back to that. And it was probably around 2018 I finally found this malady rob me ..
My wife is overweight and has many orthopedic issues related to arthritis. She's had both of her knees replaced and prefers our love making to be with me on the top. This is our second marriage and her husband abandoned her as my wife did me. We love each other and I desire only her, and only her, and we both still have our desires and longings quite intact. But when ED came, all of what I'm sure you understand about what it does to that act of love came with it. I was no longer able to maintain an erection or be able to truly penetrate her as desperately as I wanted to. She enjoys the intimacy even without it but after a couple years of hit and misses (literally), it's crushed me to not be able to thrust and feel her deep within and feel my own manhood respond. I feel utterly wretched, even though I know, yes, I know, rationally it's not my lack of desire .. but it doesn't make me feel better.
She's been so so so wonderful to me. So patient, so gracious .. but me, I've hated this struggle. None of the pills help, vacuum pumps are so grotesquely mood killing and as much as I want to please her orally, I just cannot find myself able to navigate there due to her excess fat. Fingering just isn't the same. I love her completely, but I have to really fight my own weariness in all of this. It has been hell for me .. and in the end, even though we talk and have heart to hearts, she just really doesn't seem to get that even sensual and intimate touch like caressing and stroking and embracing would help me so much .. and she never resorts to doing that. I end up seeking, as Janice Ian so well put it, cheating myself at solitaire through porn because I'm so blue balled. I hate porn and want nothing to do with it but the endless fantasizing from my past sexual lives just doesn't do it anymore.
Yeah, you can **** off and even get off without an erection, but who really wants that? Yeah you can imagine a lot of tantalizing things but when your body doesn't respond, it's an exquisite torture like no other. I have to play every blood pressure trick I can coupled with the memory of the manhood I once had deep within my wife .. or my ex wife .. or a girlfriend when I was a youth .. or some other PYT smiling at me from a porno. All this just to please myself .. which fragments me even further .. as I long to be with my own, who sadly, just doesn't get what emotional support I need. She offers blow jobs jokingly, and I for the life of me can't imagine even letting her try. What goes on in as she does this to a body no longer functional. What disappointment must fill her and what ache of her own desire goes unfulfilled!!
I can't bring myself to tell her any more about this. It's so tiring. But I want to be a man of integrity and I fantasize only about now. I recall when I was at my peak, all nine inches of it, and could make it happen and she at hers, when she was a wasp waisted, dark haired and voluptuous Latina whose pictures used to make me horny. But all of this is such a torment, a hell on earth. I can't live in fantasy. I long for reality .. even though I'm secure in our love for each other, this is a hell like no other at a time in our lives when I'd hoped to fade in life just loving her the way she deserves and I need. We had a good sex life until ED came and I'm now stranded in a world I never made.
I'm going to start Trimix again once my stepdaughter who just moved temporarily after fleeing an abusive relationship disappears for a night. I tried it once and don't think I ever got the dosage right. Burying a needle in my flaccid manhood isn't my cup of tea, but I'm so rattled, so desperate I am going to try again. I just thought I'd unburden myself after all and just hope someone understands.