What can I do?
I recently reached out to my children's new school and found disheartening things. Things that I suspected and feared for my children. See their mother changed their school for the last 6 months and never notified me about it. I happen to find out from my kids when talking to them. When I confronted her I was told by their mother that it was because they weren't getting the help they needed. She would elaborate on anything else. So when I contacted their school at the end of the year I found that all 3 kids were being retained. I asked the Principal for the reasons why, she informed me that my son (5th) was diagnosed with ADHD and is within the Spectrum of Autism. This was not much of a shock because I been asking for her to get him tested since he was 2 years old and was relieved that she finally did something. 8 years to late because early intervention was key. I could help not to be angry as well because I was ignored for years and now she is finally doing something. Better late then never I guess. But when the principal instructed me that my daughter (2nd) was intellectually disabled, it broke my heart. No one ever told me about it. I suspected some form of Autism but honestly did not think that because she hides it so well. But her test scores say otherwise. The last blow came when my youngest daughter (1st) was diagnosed with Dyslexia. It was a lot to take in and knowing how their mother is doesn't make things better. I asked for the Pyshc notes and saw that the kids have been evaluated and that so many people have failed them, to include myself (however, I live in another state and only get to see them twice a year). After reading the reports, I was able to highlight so many lies by their mother, to include about myself and my involvement. She painted me to be this dead beat dad that only sees them 3-5 days a week and that I abandoned them. One, I didn't abandon them, I got orders and she didn't want to leave and wanted to go back to school. Two, I see them for 3-4 weeks during the summer, which their mother has limited because of summer schools, as well as holidays. She already alienated me from my oldest (18) and she hasn't spoken to me for the last 6 years. I found out that her mother told her that I wasn't her real dad a few years ago during our divorce in 2017. Their mother also turned me in to my Commander for emotional abuse when I got back from Afghanistan, which was found unresolved because all claims were false. So you can probably see what kind of person she is. Back to the topic on hand, the kids diagnosis? So, I read all these notes and couldn't believe what I was reading. After every visit I would make a point to let her know how far behind the children were and she told me that she didn't want to label them. I was furious about this news and honestly have more than enough evidence to show that she's been lying this entire time.
But, what can I do? What would you do?
Get a Lawyer you may say, but what is my objective other than losing a lot of money?
The system favors her and I don't think that I will be able to get custody of my children. I'm remarried now and we are trying to start a family of our own. She is also remarried but continues to cause stress in my life and acts like I'm her personal bank. Don't worry, I only pay CS and 32% of my pension was rewarded to her, but she constantly threatens court. I try to be the voice for my kids and express my concerns, but they fall on deaf ears.
I want to do something, but what? Any suggestions?
RMilitaryDad—that IS a lot to deal with Idk how you’ve held up as well as you have and your poor kids…
As to your oldest…a simple DNA test would answer the paternity question very quickly! Why your ex would say you weren’t the dad to your oldest is ridiculous!!! Sounds like it was news to you…
It’s not a great suggestion but here goes… talk to a therapist and talk to a lawyer. Get documentation first…like all the times you may have emailed your ex wife about the testing needed for the youngest three kids, etc. get all written info from the schools as to testing etc
It’s horrible for her to lie to the schools or the kids or to you.
Hopefully therapist and lawyer can help you find good ways to talk to your ex and the kids and the schools (like..,say things to validate the mom trying hard to raise them, empathize that you know it’s a lot, praise if you can anything she’s done right…. I tend not to cone at people like an angry raging ton of bricks mama bear .. Altho I AM mama bear myself but what I think (rip someone to shreds) and what I actually do (sometimes nothing!) can ge worlds apart… I start off nice.. you get your info and ducks in a row, you can slam her if needed…
Good luck. Hope all goes well. It’s a process and timing is everything. You may not want to slam her or need to slam her till the youngest is 18! And by “slam,” I don’t mean violence; I mean slam by setting out all the facts and reasons she could be considered a bad mom by the courts etc
Let us know how it goes
NCMom,
Thank you for the words of encouragement. Part of me wants to keep fighting for them and to ensure that she does her part as the primary custodian and the other part of me tries to put myself in her shoes. I'm still working on getting the rest of the supporting documents and I have talked to a lawyer. There is so much to this story and I felt that it was already lengthy. See I met their mother when I was 22 and after 3 months we found out she was pregnant. We choose to get married after we found out the news. When we went to her 6 month appointment, the math and dates didn't add up to the estimated size of the baby. I questioned her and she did confess to being with her ex 2 weeks prior to meeting me, but at that time I didn't care and wanted to be the hero. So I did consider that she was not mine biologically but I didn't care, I was going to be her dad. However, her mother used that against me during our divorce. I accept it now but it does still hurt. I have done therapy and it has helped. I'm finally getting my life back together but cannot help to feel for my kids. Especially when I know that more she be done for them. Well see where that road takes me.
@RMilitaryDad21. You ARE the hero. Good luck. Pls update us as we care