I know i have contributed to the breakdown of my marriage but i just don’t feel like I can keep doing the same thing over and over. It’s the same argument the same differences and i don’t know how to fix it because my anger and defensiveness is working over time. I still love him but i don’t think he’s in love with who i am and every time I try to move past him chatting with other women it happens again and he claims it’s my fault for the way i treat him… I’m so broken and don’t feel like I have it inside me to heal with him. My trust is gone and i feel so guilty at the same time… i did tell him i want a divorce but at the same time it scares me to the core.
Any advice is appreciated.
3 Hearts
Sometimes the healthiest thing you can do is admit that things are over and ask for the ability to heal and move on. The most ideal way to move on is to deconstruct the marriage as friends since presumably most people were friends before they married. Try to be as kind as possible, but in case he doesn’t return the favor, make financial plans and try to split your finances if possible beforehand. You deserve to not walk a razor edge all the time, you deserve to be happy. -SG
2 Hearts
Thank you. Im trying to do just that but its not easy i love so hard so disconnecting isn’t easy for me. But i am making plans to move and trying to keep it civil. He wants to bicker about the same stuff so im trying to keep from doing that. But im also so heartbroken and fall apart quite often.
You still love and care for him, that is normal and actually great, you are showing him that while your marriage cannot be saved, your commitment to being his friend and supporter is still there and going strong. Grief is a beautiful thing, it allows you look back on your time together when things were still good with joy and sadness over the present time. We need to experience grief, it is healthy and it is normal, don’t shy away from it. You deserve this time to heal and in time you will heal. Best-SG
1 Heart
My problem is im still feeling those feelings way too much. I know things would never change with us but im still having such a hard time disconnecting. Im so nervous about divorce and moving forward kinda scared my life is comfortable here just not a great marriage i feel torn between feeling and doing what i need to do. Ive made arrangements to leave but as time grows closer i feel like im shutting down.
1 Heart
The moment you think about divorce, is time for it. You can leave the person even when you love them, letting go is part of it. I hope he accepts the divorce idea, good luck.
2 Hearts
Im working on that letting go part… it’s not that easy. Im having a hard time getting through it.
1 Heart
Letting go is the most difficult thing for me to do, so i get it, my mom suggested me this person but i havent watched it https://youtu.be/H0iLT124-xs?feature=shared
1 Heart
As soon as someone is “chatting with other women” and then telling you it’s YOUR fault, your relationship is basically over. The fact you’re so drained, and tired, and blaming yourself—tells me this person has sucked your energy dry. And a good way to tell if a relationship is toxic, is when you feel depleted around them. That’s the first sign it’s time to go. If it feels like WORK to be with someone, and deep down you know they arent in love with you, it’s time to go. It’s scary, but it’s fine to just write a letter and read it to them. It isn’t up for debate, it’s a decision you make for yourself because dang you and everyone on this planet deserves better. As someone who has been single for a while, I can tell you I have NEVER been happier. No one’s garbage to put up with, worrying if Im good enough, no one making me feel like I havs to be someone they can love. Make your money, be strong, healthy. And you begin to meet men who are kind and normal and who would be shocked to consider cheating on their partner----and you realize how much you were devaluing yourself staying with an absolute chump of a person. You should take out the trash from your life and realize how it feels to be energized, happy, and clear thinking again. It feels like nothing makes sense because it doesnt. This guy gets a free housemaid, a perzon to worry about him, have sex on demand, and he still talks to other women and doesnt even love you. He’s a louse.
2 Hearts
Im the one struggling to let go. He just said I need to make sure this is what i want. Sadly I still love him so it’s so hard. I don’t feel like there would ever be happiness in our marriage if i stayed i know it would be so hard and complicated. But still letting go is hard.
1 Heart
I think saying “you need to make sure this is what you want” is a way of manipulation, it feels like it for me, tho im not good at identifying it. Dont forget that marriage and love is a two way street, you can love someone a lot but if they don’t love you and dont want to be there for you, you will get nowhere. What did he say when you suggested divorce? You dont want hard and complicated, although relationship is like that sometimes, it cant be the only thing you have, it seems like you are the only one trying to make it work and you deserve someone who works for you too. Letting go will be easier once you are not around him anymore, so you can have your own routine and stuff, do you guys have children?
1 Heart
He makes me feel so guilty that im having second thoughts … i know im a difficult person. But i don’t feel i deserve what i got. But walking away isn’t easy. That disconnecting is so hard for me. I don’t know how to get there.
1 Heart
That’s manipulation, if you can give an example of what he says to you i can try to give a counter response, like, he says you dont buy cherries and he likes them, but he goes to the market as well, why is it on you to buy cherries for him? Things like that you know. It will take time to disconnect and let go of these feelings and its important to act right away, move if you can and all of that, best of luck and we are here if you need
1 Heart
I think we are never ready to leave, whether a person or job, there are parts that will always feel comfortable, but like you said sometimes you dont know what you deserve, but you know what you dont deserve. And it becomes about doing the physical actions to start walking towards the doors anyway, and not talking so much about it. Pack up your stuff, and go to a hotel, so it’s done, and writing down in simple terms… Im sorry but I dont feel this is the right connection for me anymore, so I do feel I need to go. and then reading it our loud or tecting or calling it to them. It’s easier when you arent havijg a discussion, and physically not there.
1 Heart
Your right… im allowing too many feelings and regrets and wishing into this its really messing up my head.
I feel guilty because I have kept male friends that i never knew had other intentions he brings it up all the time. Im a country girl and raised around boys so i relate to guys more than females and I don’t look at men like that but I recently found out that one of those friends wanted more i ended the friendship but he also has female friends who i do get along with and some i don’t. But he doesn’t think ive put him first… I do everything for him including taking care of the yard. But when i ask him to do something when he gets home from work he gets upset and says you could’ve done that yourself or he’ll say he’s gonna do it this weekend and it never happens.
I got 2 dogs one has pancreatitis and separation anxiety and takes up alot of my time caring and preparing his food and if we want to go places i have to take them or get a sitter cuz he has to be fed small meals 4 times a day he’s on a schedule and that makes him angry but i got the dogs cuz i felt alone and wanted company i love them so very much but he doesn’t understand that either. My needs weren’t being met but i got animals instead of turning to another man as he did texting other women.
He knows i still love him and hes really pushing me saying i could fix this if i treated him differently. I am going to therapy and i bought there’s a hole in my love cup “book” to try to help me sort out my feelings.
I just want to do the right thing and not regret it later. But i don’t feel like he’s torn as me.
It’s hard to leave someone you love but it’s not reciprocated. Especially when you can’t find your ground and tell what’s actually what anymore. I am always impressed when someone wants a divorce and just does it. Doesn’t seem so easy. I know there’s supposed to be a part here about self esteem and self respect and self love. I hear your struggles.
1 Heart
Going to therapy is a good thing, the therapist will be able to give you another perspective. Another way to have a different perspective is: imagine a friend of yours saying what you said on the post, how would you react? I understand you love him and care about him, but looking from the outside just seems like he is using you to have a house cleaned and HIS needs met when yours aren’t. Dont fall for his manipulation, if you want to make sure he will change, stop doing the things you want him to do, a relationship is a both way street and both people need to do things in order to function properly, he already cheated on you once, he might do it again and it will be easier for him to leave you, than it is for you to leave him. The manipulation he is doing is saying that YOU ARE THE PROBLEM and YOU NEED TO FIX the relationship, not both of you, you alone wont fix a relationship, it takes two, he needs to help too, not only say he will help and change. What do you think it’s the right thing to do?
Ive been an emotional and physical wreck, this has me all tore up and he says it has him upset but i don’t see him struggling with it at all. I know men don’t show feelings well but he goes to the gym now every other night for 2 hrs and recently went to Florida to have a weekend with his family, that doesn’t upset me but what really does is that he doesn’t see the things that angers me and has ate at me for years. I never noticed i was angered or that it was coming out in my actions. It’s the little things i see now that I’m looking back that has ate at me over time. I will give an example: Let’s just say I asked to have him. Do the yard work on a weekend? And his response is I will do it next weekend. And the next weekend comes and he doesn’t do it. And if I say anything, i’m nagging.
Another example. I asked him while I was at my mom’s caring for her to clean. One of utility stands on our back porch and get rid of the stuff. We don’t use anymore and trash on it. And it has been over 8 months and he has never done it and even though it’s those little tasks that I ask him. To do and he never does them, A neighbor or friend could call him and ask him for something or to do something for them. And he does not hesitate goes, and does it right then. And it’s those little things that really get to me. It’s not important to him if I ask, but if somebody else asks he jumps. I asked him about this recently, and he said that the things that I ask him to do are things that I could do myself.
He claims that he made sure he worked and made the money that I needed to provide for me while I was up there, caring for my mother so I had money.
Another example is he feels my dogs have come between us, and in a way they have because I felt so alone i got them and the love i get from them are very rewarding. I will say that my male dog has separation anxiety. And pancreatitis So he needs more care and attention than most dogs. I have to cook his food and stuff like that. And it’s very hard to go somewhere with his separation. Anxiety with that being said, it takes app a lot of my time and my husband has no understanding or care to want to help out with that. Or make things easier and work with me so we can do things together. He just gets mad because he didn’t want the dogs in the first place.
The sad part is. I love my husband so very much but I feel like this will continue to be a vicious circle between us and neither one of us will ever be happy together. One will always have to sacrifice for the others happiness.
Advice?
My advice stands: divorce! I feel like neither of you are happy in the relationship anymore. I understand him about the chores and stuff bc i went thru things like that myself, to a point that if i dont do it, no one does, i live with my mom and im the only one who cleabs the house, even brooming the house a bit, she is always putting the guilt in her back pain, which i also have but maybe cuz im younger its more ok for me to do cuz i will recover quickly and she does other things i dont like doing, i still would like some help. He doesnt seem to be willing to help bc he is providing with money and working outside, maybe its the age and his mindset that the man goes to work and gets money and the wife does everything around the house, sadly for him this doesnt apply anymore bc a house needs two, even more people to help, if he is not willing to help because you can do it yourself, then you dont need him to do the things, i would love a pic of the dogs!
1 Heart