Wondering why I never seem to create my own posts; mostly I just respond to others; everyone else seems to be able to come on here and pour out their feelings and emotions. And yet....
I never feel:
Anger
Saddness
Joy
Pain
....in situations where I CLEARLY should. I wonder why I NEVER cry-ever.
I know that as a young girl I witnessed my mother's suicide. I know that I blocked that memory out; no memories, no pain.
There are so many people who love me and my life is good; but I am NUMB. Even after 10 years with my wonderful boyfriend, I still keep him at an arm's length emotionally; just in case he decides to leave me one day. So he can't hurt me -ever.
Relationships- the one and only time I ever let myself love someone completely; I was 30 years old and his name was Jack. Four years later he walked out on our relationship and I fell apart. For two years, the pain was unbearable and unending. I mean I still cringe when I think about it. After Jack I swore I would NEVER let that happen to me again. NEVER-EVER.
So all relationships after that were "safe". I chose men I could love but I could live without. Just in case they left I was assured I would not be in pain.
So now my life is totally structured around rigid rules and routines. I never stop. I am always "busy" doing something "productive". I am terrified of having any free time to think or to feel.
I am reading a book by Geenan Roth called Women, Food and God. Here are a few things she says that prompted me to write this post
"The pain I am avoiding has already happened. It's in the past. It's OVER. I am living my life in reverse.
"By engaging in mind numbing activity I shut down/avoid any situation or relationship with any threat of pain.. which is essentially any person or situation which I cannot CONTROL.
I am refusing to accept life as it is.
"Hell" means being in one place when you want to be somewhere else. (therapy sessions, anyone?) Living in hell means wanting life to be different than it is
I see others on this site who are actually beginning to "feel" pain and emotions they have buried for a long time. I also see the intense pain they are or have gone through to get past this. Past this point to the other side. I define the "other side" as peace with my life as it is.
How do I get there? Why is ED so powerful in it's grip? I know what purpose ED serves in my life. Will I ever get to the "other side"??
Thanks for listening (if you made it this far, you get the gold star for patience.)
The good news is I am done for tonight. Worn out. Ready to try something new like going home, having something good to eat and watching reruns of "The Good Wife" . Think I can do it? Do I think I can do it???
The bad news is I am only on chapter 3 of the book.
I am trying to have hope. I am so tired of this ****. I am 54 for God's sake, what the hell am I waiting for?????
I think EDs for a lot of us, most of us?, are all about avoiding feelings. I certainly used mine to distract and detract from a LOT of varied emotions. How do you begin to feel again? :0/ I don't think there's one simple answer to that... I remember when I started this whole process, Jan warned me that I would likely start to feel INTENSELY... I waited for that to happen, but for a LONG time, it didn't... And then... It DID!! You were a witness to that outpouring of overwhelming feelings that seemed to come wave after wave... I'm not convinced they're done... I feel like I am in the eye of the storm... I'm experiencing a respite, perhaps because I truly could not bear any more... The strength of those pent up feelings once they'd been released was INTENSE... I think that is what I'd been avoiding... At some deep, cellular level, I believe that my feelings are stronger than me. That, if given reign, they will break me. The truth, of course, is that I am stronger than my feelings. I just need the confidence to believe that, and the skills to know how to ride them out. AND, I need, WE need, to face them as they come, rather than pushing them all down, numbing them out, in avoidant-fashion, where they don't disappear, but continue to fester and rot and GROW... Eventually, no matter WHAT we do, those feelings WILL come out! They must. You are not broken because you cannot feel, dear friend... You have pushed your feelings aside for so long, that doing so has become your instictual response. It's okay... You recognize this... And now, you ARE doing the hard work to change! Whether you recognize this or not, in responding to others, in taking the chance to write THIS out, you are opening yourself to new ideas. You are peeling the layers. Those walls are getting thinner. Soon, I believe, you will experience a torrent as I did... Hold on when it happens, Molly... It will feel powerful and overwhelming. But I promise you, you ARE stronger than your feelings! They will not break you. We are here for you. ♥
Jen: I am blessed to have you as my supporter and friend. I hang on your every word in your reply to me. You are truly experiencing what I am so afraid of and you are being sooooo brave. One thing I have learned here is that true recovery takes a tremendous amount of courage and resilience. I just hope to God I have enough of both,.
Love to you my dear dear friend
well molly, no gold stars for me---id dont mind at all ---reading your wonderful post, and so glad you wrote it...
im in horrible pain now so bear with me if i dont make sense----but numbing is part of traumatic situations and kept you alive . it kept you alive through all the hell you went through as a little girl and i know it kept me alive through all the pain and torture i went through as a child. it is a necessary part of your survival tactics and without it--you might have just ---went into shock.
to overcome that--well , i think you are doing well in your therapy but i think you need to just be patient with yourself. i understand your need to work yourself all the time, but i think you should allow yourself that free time. dont you deserve it??? why not? set some time for yourself to give your self free time and let your mind wander freely--let yourself feel emotions...maybe journal like you did here or read something that makes you feel something like a book or movie , etc...
emotions are very hard to deal with ....that is why we numb them..but they also can be a wonderful thing. they can be also positive, such as joy , happiness, excitment, bliss, etc....to get to them you must go through the bad to get to the good. i know it is hard, but you are on the right path....you are doing very well...you have to be patient and let time work..so do i...
do i think you can do this??? hell yeah i do?? are you kidding me! of course! i hear it in your spirit when we talk that you CAN do this, it is obvious to me you can fight this and molly--guess what--you are winning you just dont know it yet!!
look at your incredible progress!!! no, it doesnt happen overnight, nothing ever does...but it will happen...
your spirit is strong--and it will be your spirit along with the hand of God that will get your through this!
just let Gods wings carry you.....and dont look back.
and give yourself that much needed free time girl, youll thank me for it....
Maureen: I am so grateful to you for your unquestioning faith in me. I am trying hard to actually deserve the things you are saying. I don't see myself as making a lot of progress but when others like you say they see some that means the world to me.
Bless you for replying when I know you are really feeeling sick! Take care of yourself ; Love you!
molly, look in your past posts from november or so, and tell me there isnt great progress in you now…there is a lot of progress —i think you are expecting to be healed overnight. that doesnt happen. it doesnt necessarily magically go away. even when we get better --the thoughts are still there, and then eventually like jan —the thougths fade away…
so i think you are excpecting to much right now. if you look in the past and see where you are now, there is a great difference…
i can remember reading one of your older posts and thinking --im worried about this girl…now im not worried…so keep your chin up.
molly, do you think you are making progress in therapy??? is she good for you??? do you think you are getting somewhere with her?? cause molly if you arent–get another one…you can always find another one that you can make better progress with.
Molly - first - thank you for sharing such deep emotions. And until Jen said so - I guess I never thought that I avoided feeling (b/c I always 'felt' like I felt alot - but it was all Ed stuff) - but I guess I did b/c the thought of feeling to me is gross, vulnerable, crying, etc. My feelings have turned into anger - rather than sadness - but that's me.
Molly - you will get to the other side - you are in the midst of a shit-storm. And it is hard to see where you were vs. where you are. Sure, you may have far to go - but you are better than where you were. And take pride in that. And take this post as a visible mark of your progress and how you will not go backwards. You are strong. And you don't need to be everything to everyone - sometimes saying no is okay. And sometimes taking care of yourself is the most important thing you can do. For me- the more I 'do' - for others, etc - the more I am avoiding the things I need to do for myself.
What I am saying is - I know you have a lot of pressure. And that's real and no joke. But you need to take care of you - and trust yourself the way that others trust you. Believe that they must know somethng if they are trusting in you and allow that to give you the courage to make the steps towards freedom.
Molly....It seems you answered the question of your post title...or at least opened it up. A majority of what constitutes an eating disorder (it's presentation and dynamic) is repression of feelings and reality, in an effort to protect ourselves, to be safe, even though it is a pseudo safety. In the midst of the disorder, yes, we FEEL horrible, but horrible is not a feeling, the true specific feelings are festering underground, so when we begin to let go of the behaviors that have kept up 'safe', those true feelings come up like a volcanic eruption! It's inevitable, but the key is not once again suppressing them. It will no longer be effective anyway.
I think a common belief (hope?) is that if we can load up all the equipment we need for this recovery journey, we can be prepared, but that's impossible. You can't know what YOUR journey will be like, so you really can only prepare and commit to each day, or even each hour/meal, etc. The new order truly is beyond the chaos...but you can not see the peace and freedom of it until you get there. I promise.
Thank you for sharing....wishing you a great day....Jan ♥
Erica and Jan: I think what I am starting to get is two things : first I have to learn to trust myself. That's actually a huge step for me; as Erica says others believe in me and I have to believe in myself. I preach that same thing to my sisters here on this site. TRUSTING MYSELF to know what is best for me. Ignoring the voice.
Second as you said Jan, prepare and commit to each day. (or each hour). That is also something I have not done, instead trying to look ahead at the end, the "other side" and longing to just get there immediately.,
Lots to think about now..... thanks to you all for listening
I can relate very strongly to your desire to be 'busy' and feel 'productive' etc. While I don't have an experience with your level of childhood tragedy....I am a very sensitive and empathetic with other people and their pain (you can imagine that this contributes to some of my own ED issues).
Hmm....I am trying to think of exactly what I could say.
Your self worth is not attached to an ED.
Your self worth is not attached to how busy or productive you are.
Also, something that helps me to remember, is that there is no end or "finish line" so to speak. So there is no rush to get there because it doesn't exist!
You are wonderful just the way you are in this moment that you read this sentence. Don't let your mind override that reality.
Molly - you do feel things. You feel alot of things - I just think (maybe) you don't realize you are b/c you feel numb - like you got the 50 year epidural. But I have been thinking about you saying you don't 'feel' anything - and relating that to your posts about work and the stress of what has gone on and the people affected, etc. You were deeply (I think) upset over the situation. and it was painful for you - right? You have this strong empathy for others. Now turn that inside and practice some self love - I don't even know what that means BTW - but it sounds **** good.
although i've been pretty quiet here lately, i have remained an avid reader and a loyal fan. yes, molly, the pictures we paint of ourselves- the way in which we choose to represent ourselves- are quite curiously subjective and are often inaccurate. trust, commitment, patience. we have it for others... you deserve all those for yourself.
i have actually noted for a while now that you rarely serve up your own posts. sometimes it's easier and less time-consuming to comment on what others' post. i find it easier sometimes when i have no idea how i'm feeling and i read it in someone else's post... what i tend to serve up are wordy, crutchy, metaphoric enigmas that speak less specifically and more to the transcendant... aka: bullshit.
i love your posts. i love your comments. thank you for being a part of this site. your support, love, and self-discoveries are priceless to me.
xoxo
Amy: Thank you for your wonderful support and as always, totally insightful comments. And yes, it is much easier to comment on other's posts than to create my own. Hoping to change that as I progress. I know you have been busy with camping, cookouts and birthdays (FB)! Hope you are having fun as well.
I am re-thinking a lot of things right now, including the possibility of switching to a new therapist... more on that later. My current therapist only wants to focus on changing my current ED behaviours... which I am discovering is next to impossible because those behaviours are serving a very powerful purpose in my life; to distract and keep me from feeling anything at all. Thinking I need to attack the core issues that are the reason I even need the ED.....
Always learning from you and everyone. Take care and much love to you!
Molly,
It's so hard not to look at that huge picture beyond, and the more you dwell on it, the bigger it looks, and the more hopeless it seems. At least that was my experience. It took many many reminders, but I have truly learned the value of 'being in the moment', for many reasons. A couple being...it's just not possible to tackle everything at once, and when you try, you lose sight of it all...and...when you are looking beyond NOW, you completely lose it (now), so you miss all of the great things that are happening around you. It's very freeing, and totally possible with practice.
As Megan also mentioned, there really is not end, until life it done, so striving to reach that is futile. Again, be in the moment, there is much to love and cherish 'right here, right now'...take good care!! Jan ♥