During our long marriage, my “rage-aholic” wife has managed to find a way to make us (her family) feel guilty, or bad, or whatever, for virtually every birthday of hers and every anniversary. We don’t know why, but almost every year she finds something to get upset about, blows it out of proportion, and ruins that day, and makes us miserable!
Our anniversary is coming up Saturday. I know the build-up will be coming to her finding something. Since I am apparently a codependent and an enabler, I have always made excuses for her behavior, and have also never really done anything about it.
The “soft” approaches with her obviously have not worked!
THIS YEAR must be different!
Advice? How do I make this year good for ME?
Gregczar, I can only hope that this year your anniversary was better than your last years. I have no advice in the way on making your wife happy. I wonder if there is something about those days in general that makes her upset in the past. I have/still do suffer from anxiety and depression. I have made siutatiosn way worse than they needed to be and also made up things just to have a fight.... all because I was unhappy and everyone needed to be unhappy. I am now on medication for it and things are better. I dont look for the bad in every thing anymore. Things are better in that aspect of my life but I suffer in others. I hear your words and realize that this must be what I put my husband through too.... Please stay in touch.
I had a mother and an ex wife who were just like your wife. I feel your pain.
The only thing you can do is steer her towards counseling. If you know she's opposed to this then suggest getting some marriage counseling to help make your marriage even more robust. The therapist will then help you to get her some more help in the end and or get a handle on this issue.
Just remember: There's only so much you can do. The rest is up to her. And, it is not your fault.
Many people with this type of problem are in denial.
My sister-in-law has a drinking problem and behaves the same.
If she does not want help there is nothing anyone can do. have you tried a family intervention? Offer her love, support and a addiction program.
Well, our anniversary went OKAY (for the first time in a LONG time). Thank you all! I really like the idea that it's not my fault and also that it may be caused by her own unhappiness and therefore "everyone needs to be unhappy"!
Gregczar,
I am happy that your anniversary went "okay" which is better than not. Keep strong! Maybe she will take the steps needed on her own to get better... maybe she will realize she is unhappy and want to fight to become happy.....
I'm glad that things went better this anniversary. I am sorry to admit that I can be like your wife. I can ruin moments with disproportionate anger.
Keep gaining your strength from it is absolutely positively not your fault.
I tell my husband and my son - never get between a woman and her crazy. We all have our "crazies". But each of our crazies are unique to our set of circumstances. Your wife may not get it yet. I didn't for a long time. You know when I started to get it - when my husband and son said to me this is not our fault and we won't listen to this and they calmly left the house. When left alone with my anger I was forced to face it's origins within myself, not take the easy route and blame and ***** at those around me. It was hard work, it took time but I am over the moon that they both had the confidence within themselves to know that it was not their fault. So now I can joke with them when I am crazy -- i know this is all an inside job and I start blaming my inside man who's at fault and **** if I can't fire him teehee haha.
Keep up your confidence within yourself that it is NOT your fault.
All can be healed where this is love.