Wish I could do a re-do on my entire life

I feel like the choices I have made in my life have lead me down a path that can only end in tragedy. I honestly feel like recovery is not an option. I have chosen bad friends, bad romantic partners, bad career choices. It just seems impossible to get out of the funk I am in. Having a narc spouse that cheated on me really seems to have been the nail in the coffin as far as my well being is concerned. I have no faith in love anymore. To me being in love was the greatest feeling ever. I loved caring for someone and trusting someone. Now I just feel like if I allow myself to feel that way I will get burned again. I feel I am broken beyond repair. It would be amazing to be able to share my life with a good and kind person but now I cant see it happening.

4 Hearts

I am so sorry you are hurting so much, but like I said before, my mother really did find a good one after decades with my narc dad. It really can happen.

2 Hearts

Honestly, I feel you should do some healing before you even have thoughts about further in the future. Do what you need to do to connect with yourself. Make use of friends, therapy, activities that help you feel even a little better about you and what you have going forward.
Personally try not to jump into anything too soon.
I have felt as you are and i made some hasty moves that I regretted and am now trying to recover again.
You can do this, think about things you can do to move forward.

2 Hearts

I know its hard Hold on. . I know what it iis like but I hold on to hope my pain will end and love will come into my life too. I know a couple of people who are in a good relationship after a bad 1. You need to be ready for that love to come into your life. work on making a space for love focus on other things and it might come along where and when you don’t expect it

2 Hearts

Thank you all. I hate feeling shitty ALL the time. I try to put on a good face for my kids and my family but I just feel so low. I definitely wont rush into anything because until I can get away from my ex-wife its not even an option. I am 100% sure she would destroy any relationship I might have. I actually think she will try get revenge when the time comes that I can cut her out of my life. It just feels like this dark presence hanging over my head. I actually think she is not just a narcissist but some kind of sociopath or maybe even a psychopath. I think I might even be able to be happy on my own if only I could get away from her completely… but with shared custody I cant until my daughter is older. I feel like this is my own personal hell. It makes me so sad that I loved her so deeply and now I cant even stand to be in the same room as her. It literally makes my skin crawl. Thank you all for your support because I don’t have anyone else to talk to about this stuff.

5 Hearts

I feel the same way! I deal with shitty family stuff too, we are here for you!

3 Hearts

No matter happens my friend, ur life is worth living & ur happiness is your responsibility, make sure to eat well & sleep well… i love you.

4 Hearts

Welcome to the site @mlz3145, thank you for the wonderful support, we hope to see you back soon. If you have any questions, please let us know. Best-SG

1 Heart

I wrote something that says exactly what you said “broken beyond repair”, do you want me to share? I hate to say it but maybe its time to love yourself in the first place, i understand caring about others more than myself but we get to a point that if we cant help us, we cant help anyone, we need healing to heal, the post is a month old, how are you feeling now?

Just remember you did the best you could with the tools you had at the time. Use these experiences to become resilient and learn from them but as hard ad it is, every time you feel this way (which you will and it is completely normal) make sure to tell yourself you did the best you could at the time with the tools you had. I heard this internal response to these thoughts will help retrain your brain and is something I have been working on. It’s helping.

1 Heart

I can so relate to all of this. I have done so much work on myself and yet I still fear the same things you do. Its like how could I let this person into a place in my heart that she would rip me to pieces and yet I still hung on and believed so desperately only to be thrown out with the trash walked all over and cheated on. My heart still fears intimacy. I wish I had the answer. All I know is that letting my guard down is next to impossible. Everywhere I look I see toxic and I find myself torn between wanting and desiring intimacy but yet so fearful to allow anyone to get close enough to hurt me like that. I think its all a part of the trauma that hurts so much that you can’t forget the hurt. Im sorry you feel so jaded and yet I can totally understand why. All you can do is to try to take care of yourself while you are finding the right people to trust in your life and weed out the bad ones. That’s kind of what I have been doing, Sometimes, I agree with you that if we could just have a do over, that would be nice. Although the pain is a great way to get your attention and make you see what you don’t want to have in your life. I hope you come to find a good place, a safe place and maybe then you can let your guard down, same here.

Hi and welcome @coffeehead, we are so glad to have you on our site. -SG

It is hard to know who to trust after being with a narcissist as we tend to see narcissists everywhere we look at first, but there are good people out there, find people you trust to be around as friends, learn to trust yourself again. In time you may want to date and when you do, you will know what sort of person you are looking for because you have found your can trust your intuition again.

Glad to see you on the site, happy Monday. -SG

I am trying my best. It just feels like I have hit the wall in this marathon of life and I am struggling to keep going. I just wish I could gracefully bow out but until my kids are older I cant even do that. If I could get away from my ex wife I feel like maybe my outlook might change. Thank you for your support.

Could you and the kids get away this summer, even for a little bit, maybe camping?

Not really. I had to use all vacation time when my back went out. I feel like I am just so far beyond my breaking point I don’t know what to do. Dealing with the ex all the time takes all the joy out of my life. She constantly creates drama and is such a bad influence on the kids. I just wish someone could save me from this nightmare but I know nobody can.

It sucks that the victims of these toxic people get destroyed while the guilty party just seems to live guilt free. I hate not trusting people and assuming the worst but when you have been hurt so badly your brain wants to avoid that all costs. I’m so sorry that your feeling like this too… I honestly wouldn’t wish this stuff on my worst enemy. No one should have to endure this kind of relentless suffering.

1 Heart